Not sure what it is about this time of year, must be the gift-giving.

My e-mail inbox is swelling up with rules, rules, rules.

Mens’ Rules for Women…please note, they are all numbered ‘1’ ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one! Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have NO idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,’ We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really!
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

What do the ladies do about this?

What do you think women do when you hand them a list of fifteen rules.

You didn’t really have to wonder about that too long, did you?

Rules for Guys, by women

1. When crying occurs you caused it and should fix it. Perfect time for a gift.
2. Watching Star Trek or any type of non-romance movie/ T.V. show should also be rewarded in a gift.
3. The toilet seat prefers to be down. Gravity; any questions?
4. When we ask if we are fat, we are looking for a “NO I love you just the way you are” answer.
5. Cindy Crawford cuts her hair why can’t we?
6. We are not always thinking of you.
7. We are not always looking for the perfect gift… some gift is better than no gift, and we realize it is the thought that counts.
8. Our Cats truly are special friends.
9. Shopping is not a sport, it’s an adventure.
10. We value your opinion on our outfits and perhaps you should ask for direction when you are dressing.
11. Wearing the same clothes because they are on top of the pile is not acceptable.
12. If we had enough clothes or shoes then why are there so many stores?
13. When we ask for something we want it then!! Don’t wait for a birthday, etc. you may for get what it is that we want.
14. If you cant be expected to hit the toilet, we can’t be expected to find the oil.
15. When the lights come on in the car, we let you know when we get around to it.
16. Three pairs of shoes in not a selection, its a crisis!
17. Boots, old tennis shoes, and grass shoes are not adequate shoe choices.
18. We don’t believe you when you say you’ll be right home.
19. Yes and No are not answers, you are not on trial and we are not your attorney.
20. We remember what you say regardless of how long its been. Why can’t you?
21. Saying what you think we want to hear gets you in more trouble! Stop while you are ahead.
22. There are no good sports.
23. Why can’t you ask for directions?
24. Why can’t you follow directions?
25. How can we be expected to tell you about our day in just 30 seconds when it took all day to happen?
26. You too can order Pizza.
27. Chinese Food is a meal.
28. Chips and Dip are NOT a meal.
29. Why don’t you know all of these rules?

Quid pro quo is good enough. For any woman.

Eh…no, it’s not. Just making sure you’re paying attention.

A Woman’s 50 Rules for Men

1. Call.
2. Don’t lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys’ night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. If guys’ night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.
6. The correct answer to “Do I look fat?” is never, ever “Yes.”
7. Ditto for “Is she prettier than me?”
8. Victoria’s Secret is good. Frederick’s of Hollywood is bad.
9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
11. “Honey”, “Darling”, and “Sweetheart” are good. “Nag”, “Lardass”, and “Bitch” are bad.
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
15. Her cooking is excellent.
16. That isn’t an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
17. Dishsoap is your friend.
18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
20. Answering “Who was that on the phone?” with “Nobody” is never going to end that conversation.
21. Ditto for “Whose lipstick is this?”
22. Two words: clean socks.
23. Believe it or not, you’re probably not more attractive when you’re drunk.
24. Burping is not sexy.
25. You’re wrong.
26. You’re sorry.
27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
28. Ditto for your discourse on football.
29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
30. “Will you marry me?” is good. “Let’s shack up together” is bad.
31. Don’t assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
32. Don’t assume PMS doesn’t exist.
33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
34. “But, we kiss…” is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don’t clean plaque with your tongue.
35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
37. Pick her up at the airport. Don’t whine about it, just do it.
38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don’t act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
39. Don’t tell her you love her if you don’t.
40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
42. Think boxers.
43. Silk boxers.
44. Remember Valentine’s Day, and any cheesy “anniversary” she so-names.
45. Don’t try to change the way she dresses.
46. Her haircut is never bad.
47. Don’t let your friends pick on her.
48. Call.
49. Don’t lie.
50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn’t fair either, and it balances everything.

And the gentlemen (make the mistake) of hit[ting] back…

43 Rules for Women

1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done.
2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four
major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer and Red.
3. Don’t make him hold your purse in the shopping centre.
4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities
throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.
5. Shopping is not fascinating.
6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
7. Unless the answer is yes.
8. In which case, can he videotape it?
9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking arseholes.
10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
12. Money does not equate to love. Not even in Nevada.
13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie Microwaving a burrito, fixing
Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon
their infant when it walks for the first time.
14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
15. He heard you the first time.
16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too… Let’s spread the rejection around a little.
17. If you truly want honesty, don’t ask questions you don’t really want the answer to.
18. Of COURSE he wants another beer.
19. The guy doesn’t ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.
20. Dogs good. Cats bad.
21. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
22. If he has to sit through “Legends of the Fall”, you have to sit through “Showgirls”.
23. “Fine” is not an acceptable way to end an argument.
24. Do not question a man’s innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
25. He was not looking at that other girl.
26. Well, okay… maybe a little.
27. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy…
28. There is nothing wrong by calling a women “FINE LOOKING HOOCHIE MAMA”.
29. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met.
30. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
31. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they
look damn good. Stop asking.
32. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.
33. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
34. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.
35. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
36. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks
dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organised in this manner.
37. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad
Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is
going to be dating any of these people, love the one you’re with.
38. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.
39. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
40. Don’t hog the covers.
41. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon
that…
42. He does not just want to be friends.
43. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence: “You know, why don’t we
just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?”

And with that…the roosters stunned the hens into complete silence.

And won the argument.

For good.

Really.

……….you’re just not figuring this one out too quick if you bought that, huh?

Women’s rules for men
TOP 30 THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT US!!!

1. Don’t ever lie to us, we always find out.
2. We don’t enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy listening.
3. Don’t say you understand when you don’t.
4. Girls are petty, get over it.
5. You don’t have PMS; don’t act like you know what it’s like.
6. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.
7. If you talk about having a big dick, we know you don’t.
8. Zit’s happen to everyone. Yes, Mr. Perfect, even to you.
9. We don’t like it when you act like Mr Big; we like it when you are Mr Big.
10.A system in your car only impresses your homeboys.
11. No matter what you say, your ex girlfriend is a pig.
12. It’s good to be sensitive, sometimes.
13. If you did something wrong or even if you didn’t, apologize.
14. Be spontaneous, dinner and a movie won’t always cut it.
15. We are self-conscious by nature, we can’t help it.
16. We are drama queens.
17. Fashion police do exist.
18. Don’t ask us to give head; if you are nice you just might get it.
19. We absolutely do not care about monster trucks, or anything else you and your friends talk about, like: how much you know about the video games, porn, computers, Star Wars, etc.
20. Hugs and kisses must be given at all times.
21. We don’t shave our legs every day, get over it.
22. Don’t make bets about us, we always find out.
23. Shave – no matter how cool you think it looks, we hate it.
24. Even if you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emit other strange gases from your body, it’s not.
25. Don’t compare our breasts with Brittany Spear’s, hers are fake.
26. It is not cool to shoot snot rockets.
27. We are beautiful, but make-up helps. (All girls love makeup, do not call us prissy or tell us we worry to much about the way we look for wearing it.)
28. We will always think we are fat so humor us and tell us we aren’t.
29. It doesn’t make you look cool to make fun of someone else.
30. If you ever beat us in a sport or game, it’s always because you cheated, even if you didn’t.

And…

This is for the lady’s. Post these on your fridges.
The rules for men:

1. The female always makes the rules.
2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No male can possibly know all the rules.
4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
5. The female is never wrong.
6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.
10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

And then finally this gem rolled on in…

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It’s important to have a woman you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.
4. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

To which I shall reply with my simple rules. The ones that really matter. There are only three of them.

1. Society is in a state of advancement if the ladies are impressed by the skills and abilities of their men.
2. Society is in a state of wane if they are not.
3. If Rule #2 applies and Rule #1 does not, it really doesn’t matter whose fault it is.

Thing I Know #253. Men are not inherently better than women. Women are not inherently better than men. But a woman who’ll bring a man a beer, is much better than a woman who will not.