House of Eratosthenes

I’ve been living alone for two and a half years now. That doesn’t mean a whole lot, not enough even to me to warrant any mention. Except when you consider I had not lived alone for a whole fifteen years before that.

It is therefore inevitable that I’ve learned something about myself over the last two years. I’m not as inflexible or rigid as I thought I was. I don’t really have a strong preference about my living situation, certainly not as strong a preference as I used to think I did. I should hasten to add, I’m still against “fuck-buddies” living together when they’re not married. Things get too messy too quickly. Let’s word that last one with a little more surgical precision: The prospect of things getting messy, is bolstered with far too much certainty. Another thing I should add, is that as far as getting lonely goes with the passage of time, I’m slower than Yoda. People, in general, irritate the hell outta me.

But over the last two years, I’ve learned my ability to function day-to-day in the presence of others, surpasses what I thought I had. There are people with whom I can’t live, but my sense of discrimination doesn’t apply against certain types of people, quite so much as in favor of certain rules. And the rules are not unreasonable. They don’t go on for page-after-page. I’ve never had a problem with anyone who was nice enough to comply with them, and there are no rules that a reasonable person would say are out-of-place or hard to understand.

They are:

1. False accusations should be confined to the breaking of things that are irreparably broken, or the murder of people who are verifiably dead. If I’m going to be accused, I want to be guilty.
2. Show how mature you are. All things do not necessarily have to be said.
3. Redneck-Wimbledon matches are forbidden. After the second “huh?” or “what?”, STOP the conversation, WALK into the room where the other person is (or within 15 feet), and CONTINUE.
4. To move something, is to make an implied promise that you’ll remember where you moved it when I come lookin’ for it.
5. If I’m reading or writing, and you say something, and I go “meh” or “erm” or “guh” to get you to be quiet — that is not a “promise.”
6. You are in undisputed control of the kitchen, the bathroom, the computer, or the bed. Not all four at once.
7. You call me on the cell phone, and my situation is more complicated than it was before you called, for whatever reason…and then you do it a second time…my cell phone is going to start having “problems.”
8. Manage the food supply. If you can’t open the cereal without ripping the bag all the way down the side, get help. If the first jug of milk is already open, leave the second jug alone.
9. You may attempt to expand my horizons, if it doesn’t involve teaching me to like country music or spectator sports. To learn why I dislike those two things, let alone attempt to convert me, is an enterprise unworthy of your time. Expand my horizons somewhere else. You are getting dirty, and annoying the proverbial pig, much more quickly than you think.
10. Learn to choose things. Contradictions that exist in your life, exist in mine. You love babies, OR pit bulls. You’re sleeping with me, a straight man, OR you have some man-hating girlfriends. You have a passion for fine furniture and carpeting, OR stupid dogs that can’t be housebroken. We live in a crappy neighborhood, OR you have a $50,000 Dodge Viper. Decision-making; learn it, love it, live it.

And the extra-special rule…
1440. You want me to do something that involves going somewhere, tell me 24 hours beforehand. No reason for it to be a single minute less than that.

And then of course there’s all that other stuff. Flushing the toilet when I’m in the shower, paying your share of the utilities, buying toilet paper or at least saying something when it’s gone. Really, I think everyone has the same rules.

Update 11/19/10:
Can’t believe I missed this one. It’s a vital:

11. If I have to do it all by myself while everyone else does their own thing, or goofs off, or sits around and watches, or attends to other matters that are more important…no timetables. It’ll get done when it gets done.

[…] Items of Interest FAQ Glossary Things I Know Things I Doubt Things I Don’t Get Movies You Ought Not Spoil Rules For Living With Me When I Start Running This Place Bathosploration What Is A Liberal? Yin and Yang If We Really Cared […]
- House of Eratosthenes | 08/27/2007 @ 10:33
[…] Conservative Platform I Totally Hate These Words Things I Don't Get Movies You Ought Not Spoil Rules For Living With Me When I Start Running This Place Bathosploration What Is A Liberal? Yin and Yang If We Really Cared […]
- House of Eratosthenes | 06/16/2014 @ 18:21

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Living With MeTuesday, August 1st, 2006

Living With Me
Tuesday, August 1st, 2006