House of Eratosthenes

Bless Dr. Melissa‘s golden heart, for she has taken a stab at clarifying for me what’s going on. And succeeded…partially. The subject is the Clintons’ marriage, which, before her explanation as well as after, confounds me in its covenantal ramifications as well as its meaning to the general public.

I am blessed to have the attention of a woman just as patient as Dr. Mel, nearly as articulate, and who somehow puts up with me throughout much of her routine. She’s wired the same way as I am, but has strengths in relating to other people, whereas I only have handicaps. I have done my best to exploit this relationship of mine, to try to answer some of the questions the Doctor has tried to answer for me, and this continues to be a learning experience.

But it’s unfair of me to imply that this challenge of acquainting me to the enigma of “What Everybody Else Gets,” is some kind of negligible task, when it’s actually a much larger one. I’ve been keeping track of Things Everybody Else Gets, that I don’t…there are about two dozen of them, believe it or not.

Note the following:

If a lot of other people like something, and I happen to personally dislike it or disapprove of it — but I understand why they like it — it doesn’t make the list.

If lots of people like something, and as individuals, they demonstrate they don’t understand what’s going on any better than I do…they’re just going with the flow…it doesn’t make the list.

The list is what the list is called. Things everybody else gets. On an individual level, people understand — or they show the appearance of understanding — why they like the thing they seem to like. And I just…plain…don’t…get it. That part of the brain is missing.

1. The Clintons’ Marriage

Linked above. My comments speak for themselves. I just don’t get it.

2. Forrest Gump

Everybody seems to understand this movie. There is something profound going on here; something really deep. It has something to do with trying over and over again, not being intimidated, even when you’re “not a smart man.” The lesson is…well, after seeing the movie about four times, maybe more, I’m still clueless as to what the lesson is. I just don’t understand what’s going on here.

3. Krispy Kreme

Okay, I understand why people like Krispy Kreme…about as much as you’d like any old glazed donut. I’ve had Krispy Kreme. They’re decent enough, but there’s nothing special about them. They’re glazed donuts. That’s all they are. But when/if a new Krispy Kreme branch opens, traffic is stalled for miles. Why? They’re donuts. That’s all.

4. Baggy Pants

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. I don’t understand the fad. Why do you want your pants to fall down below the crack of your ass? Especially if you’re going to steal something and try to outrun somebody.

5. That scene where Wilson floats away in “Cast Away”

Oh no, this is starting to look like a “bash Tom Hanks” thing. I don’t mean for it to be, the man is a talented, dedicated actor and I admire his work very much. Even though his political opinions suck, he’s a marvelous actor. But I don’t understand the Wilson thing. The ball floats away, while he yells at it. The scene goes on and on and on, like I’m not supposed to be bored out of my skull. A man yelling at a ball? What is the point here?

6. iPod

Based on the information that has made its way to me, they seem to be able to hold a lot of data, but they can’t do a damn thing besides play music. Other appliances cost half as much, and can do much, much more. What’s the appeal?

7. Top Gun

Yes it has a lot of music in it, but as a movie it’s mediocre at best. And what is up with all the men having these long, straight white teeth? I don’t know if they’re smiling at each other or getting ready to bite each other in half.

8. Oprah

I can see why she’d have a show; I don’t understand how and why as many people have been talking about her, have been talking about her. For as long as they have.

9. Katy Couric

Now I don’t want to pile on and beat up on Katy when everybody else is at the same time…but the comments about Oprah, hold for Katy. I don’t get it. She’s a silly woman who delivers silly things that are supposed to be “news.” Cutely. Why so much praise after the delivery; and from whence arose the demand, that inspired the delivery? Who the hell wants “cute” news, and why?

10. The Big Chill

JoBeth Williams is a honey, or was back in the day. But I’ll go see this if I want to see a cute JoBeth Williams. As for the rest of the movie, well, I don’t get it. There seems to be something profound going on here, that I don’t understand.

11. One guy, sporting a goatee, and a cowboy hat…at the same time

Cowboy hats are American. Goatees aren’t. We seem to have a lot of people walking around who think the two go together like chopped nuts and chocolate sundaes. From whence does this cognition arise? And when you have a room with a hundred guys or more, and ninety-and-up of those guys have huge belt buckles, cowboy boots, bolos, ten-gallon hats and goatees…how can that possibly not look like a bunch of guys copying each other? It’s like a bunch of penguins wearing the same color of propeller-beanie or something. No way could they be getting dressed without peeking at each other.

12. Football

It’s supposed to just reach out and grab you, make you want to be a part of it, until you can’t think about anything else. It just bores the hell out of me. It looks like what it is, a bunch of other people playing a game…why would I want to watch that?

13. Bull Durham

It’s a movie. I’ve seen it three times. It’s pretty boring…mostly because, whatever is going on in it, is something I don’t get.

14. The frogs in “Magnolia”

Does anybody, anywhere, understand this?

15. Negativity about “blogging”.

I didn’t understand why this fellow hates blogs so much, and I don’t fully understand how it is that this guy hates them either. Hating blogs, is like hating telephones, books, typing paper or calligraphy.

16. Lord of the Rings

Heroes. Villains. Weird creatures. A Maguffin. The story’s been told before, in a lot less than nine hours. This movie trilogy is boring, and the nine hour length isn’t what make it boring. Half an hour of it is boring. I can feel my ass getting tired. It’s not Peter Jackson’s fault, either. King Kong went on and on and on, but it wasn’t boring. There’s something about this thing that just makes me want to fall asleep. I don’t understand why people like it so much.

17. Soccer

I don’t see why you’d want to watch it, let alone get in a fight about it. Except most female soccer players look hot. But the games that attract all the attention, have to do with male soccer players. Running around not scoring any points. I don’t understand it.

18. Barbra Streisand

Why would you want to see this woman sing?

19. Julia Roberts

She’s not a bad actress at all…but others are better.

20. “Supermodels”

They’re models.

21. Japanese Cartoons

My son and my girlfriend watched one of these. Get a load of this: Bad guy challenged good guy. Bad guy started beating the crap out of the good guy. Good guy fought back and surprised the bad guy. Then the bad guy came back and beat the good guy, real good. The good guy’s teacher started to cry. That is all that happened, I swear to God. A whole hour. With that crappy, cheap, recycled Hanna-Barbera cartoon quality from start to finish. When it was over, I told my son he needed to get his japanese-cartoon-watching friends together, and storm the offices of the people who made the cartoon, with pitchforks and torches. They were ripping him off.

22. Tennis

I really don’t understand why anyone would want to see this.

23. Jewel-encrusted cell phone and matching cases

Barf.

24. Men piercing their junk

What kind of drugs are consumed right before this lends an appearance to being a somewhat good idea?

You missed one.

60’s nostalgia.

Folk Marxism, terrible movies, horrid hair, stupid clothes, weak drugs, Beatnik leftovers, bad food, Walter Cronkite…etc.

Hindsight is 20/20, I guess. Maybe the music made it more bearable.
- Good Lieutenant | 09/11/2006 @ 04:54
The frogs thing is discussed in Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magnolia_%28film%29

Something about frogs being a plague upon Egypt or something.
- Duffy | 09/11/2006 @ 05:47
Oh, forgot one. Can I second the Good Lieutentant’s one and add 70’s nostalgia.

Carter, disco music, drugs use, stagflation, misery index, hostage crisis etc.
- Duffy | 09/11/2006 @ 05:48
In full disclosure, I must say I’ve done some research on the “frog” thing, and the Wiki article was part of it.

I never did get a sufficiently iron-clad bouquet of statements assembled to scrub this item from the list…which is saying something, because eventually I was able to figure out “Mulholland Drive.” But the frogs remain an enigma to me, I’m afraid.
- mkfreeberg | 09/12/2006 @ 14:03
[…] Items of Interest FAQ Things I Know Things I Don’t Get Bathosploration What Is A Liberal? Yin and Yang I’m a Crawly Amphibian […]
- House of Eratosthenes | 11/17/2006 @ 09:39
[…] Items of Interest FAQ Things I Know Things I Don’t Get Rules For Living With Me Bathosploration What Is A Liberal? Yin and Yang Glossary I’m a Slithering Reptile […]
- House of Eratosthenes | 01/19/2007 @ 01:32
[…] Items of Interest FAQ Glossary Things I Know Things I Doubt Things I Don’t Get Movies You Ought Not Spoil Rules For Living With Me When I Start Running This Place Bathosploration What Is A Liberal? Yin and Yang If We Really Cared […]
- House of Eratosthenes | 09/13/2007 @ 09:43
I don’t agree with Tom Hanks much either, but he doesn’t seem to shove his views in your face like some other stars do.
- AprilE | 03/22/2010 @ 01:12
1, 2. Right there with you. As to #3…

In ‘N Out hamburgers. What you said about Krispy Kreme Donuts, almost word-for-word. They’re HAMBURGERS. Are they good? Sure. Are they better than most other large chains? Debatable . Are they superior to the burgers I make on my backyard grill, or what I can buy from some independent Mom N Pop joint that uses fresh ingredients? Most decidedly not.

And yet, as with KK Donuts, the line stretches around the block – not just when the store first opens, but for a long time after that – and even after the place has been there a few years it seems to be a lot busier at any given time than most other burger chains I visit. Because of the crowds it seems to take forever to get to the counter to place my order and then longer yet to get it filled. I feel a bit sorry for the college kids who work there – even the 20 year olds must be exhausted at the end of their shift from all that running around and hollering out the order number.

4. Right there with you.
5. The ball was his imaginary friend. Talking to it kept him sane while stranded on the island. It was his “friend.” He’d developed an attachment to it. Not really that hard to understand.
6. Right there with you.
7. “Top Gun” was one of the 80s’ most iconic films, and also important because it was set against the backdrop of the Cold War. It was one of those “America! Fuck yeah!” films. What I don’t get about this film is why so many people claimed, years later, that the pilots were somehow struggling with the sexuality or trying not to be gay or whatever it was. No…they were trying to make a name for themselves as Navy pilots.
8,9: Right there with you
10: Somehow got through the 80s without watching it, so can’t comment.
11. I’m assuming a beard or mustache is OK, though. I really don’t understand the complaint.
12. Oh. Yes. You. Are. So. Right. What is the fracking appeal of watching a bunch of guys in tight pants and shoulder pads slam into each other and smack one another on the butt? All so we can bring our nation to the verge of civil war every January arguing over who’s going to win the Super Bowl. Tell you what else I don’t get – those stupid “fantasy football” leagues that some guys get into. I can tell you that MY fantasies have absolutely NOTHING to do with football.
13,14: Have no idea what you’re referring to. Never saw either one.
15. Who cares what they think about blogging?
16. It’s an epic. It’s a story about three underdogs rising to the task thrust upon them and saving all of Middle Earth in the process. The hero of the story isn’t powerful men like Aragorn or Legolas or Gimli or Gandalf. The hero is Sam Wise, the humble gardener who never gave up on his friend, not even when Frodo was ready to betray him for the promise of power granted by The One Ring. It’s also an allegory for how man is a fallen creature, ever vulnerable to the seduction of power. It shows what happens to people who fail to resist the temptations.

The long length of the films are necessary to show all of this, as well as set the stage for the final triumph of good over evil. The only hole in the plot is where the giant birds DON’T just transport the Fellowship of the Ring directly to Mount Doom…instead dropping them off and making them walk the final leg of the journey. I’m at a bit of a loss as to why you’ve complained about this trilogy and shook your head at it. More than once. It’s up there with “Star Wars” as far as I’m concerned.

17-24. Dead on. I don’t get it either.
- cylarz | 09/12/2011 @ 23:12
I’m with you on most of it. Some of it (like the movies mentioned) I’ve either never watched or didn’t care enough about to remember anything much about it. Lord of the Rings is the exception but cylarz covered that one.
iPods do a heck of a lot more now, Morgan. Not that I knew that until my son bought one. He watches basketball, surfs the web, checks his email and I force him to answer my PMs on Facebook. He can also turn it into a phone if he had a bluetooth and he can text. See? Way more than music, although music is good, too.
Anime is fantastic. You’re just old.
- delicountessa | 06/07/2012 @ 05:37

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What Everbody Else GetsSunday, September 10th, 2006

What Everbody Else Gets
Sunday, September 10th, 2006