You know, this is exactly what we’ve been missing lately. If we stay around, and if this stays around, we should make this a regular habit. We used to read the Arcata Eye all the time, because we grew up with this kind of stuff…whoever does the police log there, used to work for the Bellingham Police Department and submit their stuff to the Herald. I’m 99% sure it’s the same guy.
I’d also like to go on record with my prediction that in 2009, this kind of humor is going to become much more popular — taking things that are usually taken seriously, less-than-seriously. Not in a John Stewart “everything’s fair game except democrats, who are perfect in every way” kind of a thing. But more in a Monty Python “nothing sacred” kind of way. Department-Of-Silly-Walks type o’humor. Think of it as the very first wave of the libertarian surge that is sure to engulf the nation when the hopey-changey goodness doesn’t work out.
Me and my drool are here to stay – January 6, 2009
1:03 p.m. A man reported receiving threatening a threatening e-mail message from someone named “Boris” claiming he was an assassin who had been hired to kill him and giving the man until Dec. 21 to negotiate. The man said that he was the son of a CIA operative involved in the Watergate scandal, which was probably what got Boris on his case.
Tawdry escapades, furtive encounters, skeezy exigencies… call it a pageant – December 30, 2008
9:26 p.m. Dueling realities held each other at a standoff on different ends of the police station regarding an incident on the Plaza. A woman at the front door reported that a man had pushed her down. Meanwhile, Mr. Man was at the back door wishing to report in advance that he was going to leave his vehicle unlocked, and that stuff might go missing (a safe prediction). As for the reported assault on the woman, he said that he had only thrown a flower at her.
Sick dog and banjo accessorize plaid/green ensemble – December 23, 2008
3:15 p.m. After a while, the “dirty brown and gray” and sickly-looking dog leashed to a baby stroller in the 1000 block of H Street became a concern to a citizen, who called police. Thence came on the scene a woman in plaid pants with green shorts over them, plus a green jacket with black hoodie and carrying a banjo. Though she already had another dog with her, a retriever, she took the dirty dog, too, and was last seen with the banjo and pair of pooches, headed down I Street.
Battle of donut-engorged sexes bogs down in metaphor – December 16, 2008
11:17 a.m. Tensions bubbled up ’twixt a man and woman like a pot of boiling oil at the everlasting donut shop. In this metaphor, they would play the donuts, bobbing in the searing grease of anger. Police dunked the drama in an eye-opening cup of disturbing the peace, clearing the shop of tensions like crumbs wiped from a pastry aficionado’s double chin, leaving a surface sheen of relief.
Donut shop forays return null data set – Decmber 9, 2008
10:01 a.m. When your neighbors are already talking to the Drug Task Force about your eye-wateringly stinky grow house, you ought to keep a firm grip on your $2,964 PG&E bill. Because if you lose it near a downtown bank, someone just might turn it in to the police, who will pass it off to the DTF.
Dingbat dramaturgy, vituperative vaudeville – December 2, 2008
3:42 p.m. Try to steal something at a 13th Street marketplace, and soon you, the manager and police officers will all be watching the video of it together. No popcorn.
The tempestuous toll of textosterone – November 25, 2008
2:44 p.m. Four men and two dogs or some combination thereof got into a big argument at Samoa Boulevard and H Street. It can be stated with some certainty that the dogs were doing the best they could under the circumstances.
I’d like to order an officer, please – slender and good at lifting – November 18, 2008
8:03 a.m. A camouflaged man’s observation-deterring pantaloons proved entirely ineffectual at a Uniontown shopping center, imprinted as they were with forest-like imagery rather than more typical fixtures there, such as cars and asphalt and signholding mendicants. So, after allegedly ripping off a package of lighters, camo-boy was easily tracked down and arrested.
Johnny Potatochipseed plants asphalt orchard – November 11, 2008
11:32 a.m. Three to four imbibers guzzled booze on the pedestrian walkway, disposing of the bottles by a devilishly ingenious method – throwing them on the ground and shattering them.
Doing the agitated needle-capping/uncapping dance – November 4, 2008
4:14 a.m. A trio of kids egged cars near a K Street car wash, creating treasured memories to last a lifetime.
Rockin’, stompin’, drinkin’, druggin’ and doggin’
11:10 p.m.
A bongo cabal on the square
Made major drum awesomeness there
When someone objected
Police went and checked it
And silenced the big beaty blare.
A downed bongo pilot’s disappointing posture – October 21, 2008
11:26 p.m.
A saxophone’s schmorzando peals
Intruded on I Street’s ideals
For nighttime relaxin’
Cops talked to the saxman
And ended the tortuous ordeal.
The usual dingbat drill for alternative Army men
– Friday, September 19 1:17 p.m. A person sitting on the Plaza complained of being harassed by a juggler.
Groovy buses deliver tie-dye, sewage to your doorstep
– Friday, September 19 12:22 a.m.
The saxman’s melodious strains
Infected the slumbering brains
Of near-alley sleepers
Who opened their peepers
And called up the cops to complain.
Pills, pits, poop, purloined property… party! – September 30, 2008
– Friday, September 12 1:06 a.m.
The carport sounds, less than beguiling
Had someone awakened and dialing
Police for assistance
They met no resistance
And shut down a sax player’s stylings.
Thankfully, [new judge everyone’s talkin’ about Kara] DioGuardi doesn’t let ’em all down gently. Case in point: Katrina “Bikini Girl” Darrell. I know it’s hot in Phoenix — but a bathing suit to an Idol audition? What was Simon going to say about that?