House of Eratosthenes

I was just thinking of the wisdom of Ike, describing in great detail the freedom/security continuum and all the implications of it, without ever once using the word “continuum.”

From there I was reading FrankJ’s proposed Contract With America. I was in the middle of admiring that first point about throwing off a medium-sized building anyone caught pissing & moaning about “rich people.” I think that’s my favorite part of it.

And then I noticed FrankJ was being much more creative about declaring who we should go round up, than about what to do with ’em once we find ’em. Shoot them into outer space, drop them into the sun, feed them to the dinosaurs with rocket launchers mounted on their heads. We definitely need to do something with all these people. But thinking over Eisenhower’s observation, I cannot help but notice something…

What they all think of as some kind of Utopia — on my planet, and Ike’s planet, we call that “jail.” That is what we need. A special jail. Part of the reason 2010 is shaping up to look like a promising election year, after all, is this growing feeling that there are indeed two cultural halves of our country, and the wrong half is being driven underground. And this seems to me to be why everyone is so pissy right now, liberals & conservatives. The folks in charge don’t like to deal with reality too much; they’d rather be in jail, although they don’t realize it.

So let’s go the other way. We should have one single Supermax prison for the entire country, and put all these people into it — the stoners, the gang-bangers, the feminists who are upset that Michelle Obama is being made to look like a proper, effective and content housewife. The peaceniks, the enviro-weenies, the socialists who don’t want to be called out as socialists. They don’t like freedom anyway, so they’d probably be happier that way.

So they don’t want a real jail, of course. What they want, is a place where they can surrender all of their freedoms without being reminded that is what they’re doing. Maybe all the walls should be painted pink instead of gray.

What else could we do with this special jail?

1. Well, it would be full of women — ugly, desperate, unpleasant women who look like men. These women would spread their flabby white thighs for any man who looks like a woman…or like Dennis Rodman when he was going out with Madonna.
2. If you knock up one of these ugly unpleasant women you can take it as a given that she’ll abort. Or if she doesn’t, she’ll raise the whelp without ever telling you. In short, people will reproduce in Morgan’s Gulag exactly like cattle.
3. Nobody makes any money. Not by working, anyway. You do have some kind of currency to make yourself extra-special, we could call it “LibScrip.” Liberals really like to have prestige items to show how important they are, while they prattle onward about everyone being equal. It’s like they live in a self-imposed contradiction.
4. Anyway, you cannot spend LibScrip on anything you actually need. Food’s free, health care is free, toothpaste and toilet paper are all free. LibScrip is strictly spent on prestige things that show you’re better than everyone else. Tatoos with extraordarily poor taste, the latest cell phones, most expensive sneakers, biggest television sets.
5. All of the movies are free. They’re all “Avatar,” or something else with an identical plot…which narrows it down to a couple hundred or so.
6. No Fox News. Ever. They don’t want it anyway, so it isn’t allowed.
7. I notice liberals want to make sure all the kids are raised as liberals, but they don’t seem to particularly like kids. So I see no reason to throw little kids into the gulag. What I see happening, is we’d keep the kids on the outside, teach them about God, guns, and tasty meat with barbeque sauce. And then when we bring the liberals their watered-down slop, the liberals would say “the kids out there are being taught to be atheists, right?” and we’d say “uh huh, yeah,” and they’d say “oh, good, okay.”
8. We’ll do everything this way. Liberals love to insist all problems everywhere should be solved their way…but they don’t seem to care too much about follow-up and enforcement since that requires real work. It’s as if they want to rule with an iron fist over a virtual make-believe world. We’ll tell them we’re all eating tofu out here, not daring to emit any carbon in any way, got our wind farms up and running but not where Ted Kennedy used to sail, nosiree. We’ve abolished corporations but before we abolished them we made sure those corporations suffered until they cried like little bitches. Oh yeah, and we tried George Bush and Dick Cheney at The Hague and they cried like little bitches too.
9. No Boy Scouts allowed, and naturally we’ll tell them we got rid of them out here. None of our little darlings are allowed around sharp metal objects because they wouldn’t know what to do with them.
10. We’ll pipe in some routines by Tina Fey saying a bunch of stupid stuff while pretending to be Sarah Palin. They can laugh about how stupid Sarah Palin is, in fact, how idiotic all Republicans and conservatives are. Never once bothering to figure out if the real Sarah Palin actually said it. Since it’s proven they don’t give a shit.
11. Of course, marijuana is completely legal.
12. But no smoking allowed.
13. Chess is a favorite pastime, but you can’t win because that would make the loser feel bad.
14. You can’t call Barbara Boxer “Ma’am.”
15. Going off on a tangent, I noticed at Buck’s place that liberalism’s one true goal seems to be to reduce anyone who needs to get anything done, anywhere, into a consumer of services; someone who dials a phone, hangs up and sits & waits. That’s the way life will work in my Gulag. Pick up a phone, make a call, hang up, do a lot of waiting. The service is rendered and of course it’s never satisfactory…never, never, not ever. People then get together and bond with each other over how shitty the service was, just like they do in Canada or the United Kingdom about their health care. So I imagine my gulag would have a huge auditorium in which people bitch about the lackluster services they got. Meanwhile, out here in the real world, we’ll mop the floors that need mopping, fix the cars that need fixing, and change the light bulbs that need changing without any union shop ever once telling us we can’t.
16. I also said they’re in a big hurry to prove how wonderful they are…as individuals. Again, it is beyond my ability to figure out this contradiction. I imagine they’ll have some sort of contest or tournament to figure out who’s the most wonderful person in the entire Gulag. But they won’t keep score. I dunno, I guess they can work that out themselves.
17. The gulag will have its own military force. They can perform social experiments on it until they’re blue in the face. Their “boot camp” will have lots to do with sensitivity training and nothing to do with strategy, tactics or other fine points of warfare. Again, we’ll tell them sweet little lies, that outside the gulag walls there is no military, they got the only one. Everyone’s happy.
18. No crosses anywhere. Muslim creches are fine though. And don’t let us catch you trying to convert anyone…unless it’s away from Christianity.
19. I’m trying to think of whether there are unions in there…but it seems all the trades that are unionized are the ones that are needed for staple services, so in my scenario they would be out here. We’d build things for the liberals in the gulag, bring them to them, and then the liberals would say “this was assembled with union labor right?” And we’d go “mmmm, hmmm.” “And it was taxed really really heavily on whoever bought it for me?” And we’d say “uh, yeah.”
20. The jobs that would exist in there would have to do with fun stuff. Most of Hollywood would be in there anyhow. And naturally, they’d be required to work for free which will alleviate their guilt. If you hire someone to help them, you cannot discriminate when you hire people into those jobs. So they’d have all kinds of rockette dancers who’d be fat and ugly and hairy, and comedians who are un-funny. You don’t even need to ask if Bill Maher will be in there or not. All the Hooter’s restaurants would be out here, so you can forget about that male-Hooter’s-waitress thing once and for all. Again, nobody has anything to complain about, inside or out.

I could go on, but the point is made: Liberals, through their anti-gun, anti-war, anti-nuke, anti-business, anti-meat, anti-male, anti-human-achievement fervor, seem to have cultivated a mindset perfect for the prison world. They have evolved into perfect little cloistered citizens for that citadel I was dreaming about a couple years ago, the one where people keep banishing their fellow citizens to the outside, and at the end they realize they’ve just been banishing themselves.

Cross-posted at Right Wing News.

[…] Freeberg boils it down. What they all think of as some kind of Utopia — on my planet, and Ike’s planet, we call that “jail.” That is what we need. A special jail. Part of the reason 2010 is shaping up to look like a promising election year, after all, is this growing feeling that there are indeed two cultural halves of our country, and the wrong half is being driven underground. And this seems to me to be why everyone is so pissy right now, liberals & conservatives. The folks in charge don’t like to deal with reality too much; they’d rather be in jail, although they don’t realize it. […]
- DYSPEPSIA GENERATION » Blog Archive » My Liberal Gulag | 04/11/2010 @ 14:26
Since idealism increases in direct proportion to the distance from the problem, what is better than jail is to put the idealist next to the problem for eight hours a week as a condition of his probation. Talk the talk, walk the walk.
- jamzw | 04/11/2010 @ 17:06
I dunno, that almost sounds like some kind of effort at…uh…rehab. Is there still some hope in that direction?
- mkfreeberg | 04/11/2010 @ 17:46
It is the utopian we are rehabbing, by standing him shoulder to shoulder with the object and creation of his dreams. When he overcomes his obsessive love for the dispossessed he will stop making so many of them.
- jamzw | 04/11/2010 @ 19:05
Hey Morgan. A place like this already exists.

It’s called “Cuba.” Perhaps you have heard of it.
- cylarz | 04/12/2010 @ 01:51
Oh yeah, that’s the place my liberals tell me is so wonderful except they never actually go there unless it’s just for half a week with a camera crew.

That’s good for exposing hypocrisy. I’m wanting to do something different; I want to appeal to their primal instincts, motivate them to “vote with their feet” so they’ll really want to live there and the rest of us can be told where they’ll live and take note of how wonderful they are.

My twelve-year-old was asking me what kind of security measures I would have in place to keep them from escaping, and my answer was: None whatsoever. The inmates should be made to understand that if they ever consciously and visibly choose to live out here with us real people, the whole argument is over. That alone would keep them in forever. Their own egos…

Would it work? Well, when is the last time you heard a left-wing politician give a speech and use the word “freedom” in a flattering light, without the word “reproductive” in front of it?
- mkfreeberg | 04/12/2010 @ 07:23
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- House of Eratosthenes | 04/14/2010 @ 05:52

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My Liberal GulagSunday, April 11th, 2010

My Liberal Gulag
Sunday, April 11th, 2010