House of Eratosthenes

People are starting to find out about the Sexism Offset Voucher, and in our post introducing it there is way too much reading to be done. And so we’ve come up with this handy FAQ.

1. How does this work?

The sexism voucher regulates your Female Flattery Footprint (FFF). What we are asking people to do is to anticipate the pollution (saying positive things about females, particularly regarding their ability to lead), and purchase an equivalent number of sexism offsets…thus bringing their net FFF to zero. In order to be a responsible steward of the environment, of course.

2. And that helps how?

When you purchase a sexism voucher, what you are buying is the knowledge that someone else will be committing one or several offsetting acts of sexism. Using demeaning words like “chick”; patting a nice-looking girl on the rear end; yelling for the lady of the house to get you a cold beer without saying “please.”

3. Why is this important?

It’s important to our environment for many reasons. First of all, our feminists — as they have made it abundantly clear since August 29th — have riveted their mental and emotional well-being to the far-fetched notion that we have some epidemic of pig-minded males running around, unready, unwilling and unable to notice competence in females. Sarah Palin obviously places that notion in extreme danger, and with that, the sanity (what there is) of our radical post-modern feminists. Our movement, by preserving chauvinism and placing a limit on how much positive and sincere rhetoric can be used with regard to women, helps to keep this situation in check. We’re doing it for our feminists. Because we’re compassionate that way.

Also, it’s important to keep Morgan Rule #1 enforced: If I’m gonna be accused, I wanna be guilty. In this case, we’re being accused of sexism, so we have to find a way to keep ourselves guilty of it. Even though we’re noticing Gov. Palin is an awesome candidate for all kinds of high offices, and a natural born leader. Which she is. But the Morgan Rule #1 must be upheld, so we have to coordinate our theatrical infractions of egalitarian dogma.

4. Aren’t you afraid you’ll get in trouble?

The central premise to Morgan Rule #1 is that if people accuse you of something, they’ve got their minds made up already anyway. So you might as well go ahead and do it. Because being falsely accused of things really sucks.

5. Do I need to buy a sexism offset voucher if I say something positive about Sarah Palin?

You have to buy a sexism offset voucher if you say something positive about any female. Don’t forget — feminism was able to become popular based on the notion that there are those of us who lack the capacity to do this. It is an accusation; therefore, it has to be proven right. No matter what challenge is involved in that.

Sarah Palin is Awesome 6. What if I just think something to myself about how awesome Sarah Palin is?

You do not need to buy a sexism offset voucher unless you say it out loud. If you keep it to yourself, then it’s still possible for feminists to walk around believing in this boogeyman of an epidemic of chauvinist males, who are incapable of acknowledging positive attributes in women. That keeps them from freaking out. There’s only a potential crisis involved if you say what you’ve been thinking; then you have to buy an offset voucher.

7. How can I buy these sexism offset vouchers?

The price is negotiated between the buyer and seller, and it need not involve any actual money.

8. What do you do after you sell me a sexism offset voucher?

Something sexist.

9. Like what?

Are you female?

10. Maybe.

Then get yer goddamn fat ass in the kitchen and make me a samrich.

11. Okay, I think I get it. But what would happen if we didn’t have this kind of system?

Well, we already know the answer to that. We tried saying nice things about females with wild abandon since the 1960’s, and since we had no mechanism for keeping these “emissions” in check (the FFF Female Flattery Footprint) everything got out of hand. We got a whole bunch of man-bashing hippie music like “I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar”; we got a whole fistful of empty-headed made-for-TV movies on Lifetime and other cable channels ruminating on what towering assholes men are; we got lots of “family friendly” movies about fathers who just run around telling lies and making problems, that the smartass kids have to solve. During this time, real-life children learned to disrespect and talk back to their fathers — and, somehow, incidents of Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) and related disorders went through the roof. And we had global warming. Coincidence? I think not!

Now, we’re doing the responsible thing. We’re keeping our FFF’s under control, and this cap-and-trade scheme is an instrumental way of doing that.

12. Are sexism offset vouchers paper?

No, they have never existed that way. Although you could always print one up and cut it out.

13. How do I keep track of how many sexism offset vouchers I have?

That’s your problem. Just like a carbon offset voucher. You buy them, then it’s up to you to keep track.

14. Is the sexism offset voucher voluntary?

Just like carbon offset vouchers, it is completely voluntary…for…now…

Palin 15. Won’t this make it more expensive to say nice things about Sarah Palin?

PASS on that question.

16. Do left-wingers have to buy sexism offset vouchers?

You know, in order for that question to come into play, they have to say nice things about what individual women are capable of doing, MORE OFTEN than they say something sexist…like that Sarah Palin should be home taking care of her family instead of running for office…or that women need special programs in order to compete with men. So we don’t know. The situation has never come up.

17. What if a feminist criticizes Sarah Palin, and then I criticize the feminist? Do I need to buy a sexism offset voucher to do that?

We’re trying to find that out.

18. Could it be that by beating up on the feminist who criticizes Sarah Palin, I have a sexism offset voucher I can sell to the market?

We’re trying to figure that one out too. We just don’t know yet.

19. Can I buy sexism offset vouchers from myself?

Of course you can! Al Gore buys carbon offsets from himself all the time.

20. How many sexism offset vouchers do I have to buy to call Sarah Palin a VPILF?

None. You’re being a proper sexist pig at the same time that you are polluting the environment by correctly noticing her inherent awesomeness, and in so doing you are unleashing two equal and opposite forces that cancel each other out.

Thanks for the FAQ. It’s all perfectly clear now. 😉

Apropos of nothing… that Lowe’s ad I keep mentioning? The one with the lil Bitch-In-Training? It’s in HEAVY rotation on The Weather Channel the last couple of days… like four times an hour, every hour, in the evening. In my market, anyway. YMMV.
- Buck | 09/05/2008 @ 16:11
By Jove, I think I’ve got it now!

I was going to ask if, saying nice things about Sarah Palin would actually be sexist and thus not require an offset because she’s the “Wrong Woman, Wrong Message” … but carbon is carbon, all carbon contributes to the problem — so if you use coal power to charge your electric car, you still have to buy carbon vouchers… so WOMAN is WOMAN, ergo … ah! See? Yes, this FAQ is just what we needed.

If I even do something like pointing out that she’s attractive, that is both a compliment AND sexist so it’s ok.

Whew.
- philmon | 09/05/2008 @ 22:25
Ok, now time to expand on the idea. We’ve got the “Hey Princess, Bring Me a Beer” edition.

But I remember these role playing cards my stepsons used to collect when they were kids. Magic cards …. you know, the whole “Hey, I don’t have that one yet” promotional idea.

So, we’ve got, “Bring me a beer!” How about “Nice ass!”? Or “Nice rack!”? “When’s dinner?”

Just sayin’. Possibilities, you know. 😉
- philmon | 09/05/2008 @ 22:46

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.

Recent

Items of Interest

Monthly Archives

What They Say

Links

Your Sexism Voucher FAQFriday, September 5th, 2008

Your Sexism Voucher FAQ
Friday, September 5th, 2008