House of Eratosthenes

1. He knows trigonometry.
2. He can drive a stick shift.
3. He NEVER uses the word “basically.”
4. He can type without looking at the keyboard.
5. He eats meat. He drinks beer. He goes to Hooter’s.
6. On the weekends, he does *something* that makes him sweat.
7. He can bend a beer bottle cap into a metal taco, with one hand.
8. He’s not in touch with his “feminine side” and does not wish to be.
9. He can shoot. A real gun. Something with a caliber that begins with “3” or higher.
10. He can tie knots. Lots and lots of knots. Something besides the bow-line and the square.
11. With his wife/girlfriend/kids in the room, he uses the word “chicks.” No apologies offered.
12. He very rarely apologizes for anything; if he does, it’s about something he’ll never do again.
13. He knows how to cook. Something that involves mixing a sauce together and heating something up.
14. A woman who builds a household with this man, knows the household is different because it’s him.
15. His voice never ascends above Middle C, unless it does that naturally; which of course it does not.
16. When he meets people, he stands up, looks them in the eye, shakes their hand, and gives them his name.
17. He will take a bullet for the ones he loves. He knows who they are, and if the time comes, he’ll be there.
18. He also knows the ones he does not love so much, and he’ll sacrifice for them too. He will take the blows that were intended for the one who did him wrong.
19. But he’s no patsy. People who owe him favors, know they owe him favors. If they forget, he’ll remind them.
20. He fixes things. He did not go to a class to learn how. He figured out how it worked and then he fixed it.
21. He does not come home to be informed that there is a dog in the house now. He maintains control of the house.
22. He does not drive his kids to school. His kids know how to do things, including how to get themselves to school.
23. He is well read. He has read Atlas Shrugged from cover to cover. He can tell you the parts of it he agrees with, which is most of it.
24. He knows how to spell things. He knows how to use punctuation. He knows his homophones and homonyms. He has mastered the complexity of “it’s”.
25. He thinks the happy ending to “Stepford Wives” is a tragic ending, and that all the eerie parts of it are actually happy. He isn’t afraid to say so.
26. When women, children and liberals are present, he changes the language he uses and the jokes he tells. He does NOT…NOT…NOT change his opinions to suit the new crowd.
27. He keeps his opinion when everyone else agrees with it. He keeps it when just about everybody is disagreeing with it. He only abandons it when the evidence tells him he should.
28. He is naturally enthused about changing the state of objects from a great distance. Shooting things with a gun; flying a model airplane by remote control; pissing on a leaf floating in a stream from a bridge up above it.
29. He possesses the ability to pave his own road, as well as to observe social protocols. He can survive if society is completely dismantled, but he can follow orders too. He is Patrick Swayze’s character in Steel Dawn.
30. He can, and does, figure out for himself that more work is necessary. A reward he’s been anticipating may be delayed, or given up entirely, because of what he realizes must be done. And he does it without a word of complaint.

OK, glad I “basically” get to get my comment in before undoubtedly this turns into one big ole bitch fest.

It’s a good list, Morgan, lots a really good points. But, and you knew there would be “buts”…

Trigonometry!?! And first on the list!?! Seriously? You think Chesty Puller, Gen. Patton, the men who stormed Okinawa, fought in D-Day or Fallujah, built our railroads/damns/buildings, our vehicles or, or, or…knew trigonometry?

“19. But he’s no patsy. People who owe him favors, know they owe him favors. If they forget, he’ll remind them.”

People who owe me favors are my friends or family. Just as I would owe them favors. No reminders needed, and if so, it’s the last favor I do for them.

“He has read Atlas Shrugged from cover to cover”

A real man as read ‘Lone Survivor‘, or ‘Once a Marine’ or any of the other REAL, not fiction, present day war stories. We’re at war, know WTF is going on with the people in it!

http://www.amazon.com/Lone-Survivor-Eyewitness-Account-Operation/dp/0316067598

http://www.amazon.com/Once-Marine-Commanders-Inspirational-Recovery/dp/1932714472

Hope my grammar and punctuation is up to snuff.

Had to throw my 2 cents in, Morgan, otherwise…carry on.

BTW, nothing about physical condition or work/providing for your loved ones…???
- tim | 08/13/2010 @ 06:30
Yes, the books would easily justify a list of their own. I chose my number-one-favorite (which, please note, is not my all-time-favorite for actual reading, by any means) for the same reason I put Trig on the list. It has to do with everyday reality. It used to be that Trig was something you did with a scientific calculator, and therefore it was the plaything of the propeller-beanie eggheads who spent too much time in labs or something…nowadays, the decisions are made by people with little brains and big mouths that wouldn’t know Trig if it bit ’em square in the ass.

And it really isn’t a good example of all-theory-no-practice back-room scheming, when you think about it. Trig is the nexus point where math becomes applicable in the real world. You can’t do 3D rendering without it and you can’t figure out how to point a projectile weapon without it. It’s a lot like driving a stick shift in that it really doesn’t take much, you don’t have to be a kid to grasp the concepts the first time, you can learn it any ol’ time. So if someone is resistant to learning about it this should tell you something about them.

Just as I would owe them favors. No reminders needed, and if so, it’s the last favor I do for them.

Good point there, but actually what I had in mind was working in an office. It cannot be considered a major slight there to have to be reminded you owe someone a favor. The guy who is owed, has to stand up for himself or else he is crowded out, runt-style. This is one of many tests of the intellect of a man.

You have a good 2 cents, small-tee. If this becomes a permanent page, I’ll take it under advisement. And now, on with the rest of the “Why Isn’t X On This List?” Oy…list-making…not for pussies.
- mkfreeberg | 08/13/2010 @ 06:58
Robert Heinlein provided pertinent thoughts for this thread:

“Span of time is important; the 3-legged stool of understanding is held up by history, languages, and mathematics. Equipped with these three you can learn anything you want to learn. But if you lack any one of them you are just another ignorant peasant with dung on your boots.”

“Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe, and not make messes in the house.”

“A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.”
- WalkingHorse | 08/13/2010 @ 07:40
~~What~~ Who is ~~a Man~~ Morgan?
- bpenni | 08/13/2010 @ 08:05
“He will take a bullet for the ones he loves. He knows who they are, and if the time comes, he’ll be there.”

Might I add: “He will use bullets to protect the ones he loves.”

“He knows how to disagree without being disagreeable”

I’d like to change:

“He’s not in touch with his “feminine side” and does not wish to be.”

to: “The only feminine side he has is the woman in his life whom he touches frequently”
- Duffy | 08/13/2010 @ 08:10
Who is Morgan?

My son had the same comment: “You’re just describing yourself!” Actually I’m still working on #9.
- mkfreeberg | 08/13/2010 @ 09:09
Dear Morgan,

Over my somewhat sheltered thirty nine years, I have found that working more than what is asked to be of immediate and lasting value. Whether it’s your job, your sports or your leisure, males, females and children alike will all treat you differently if you do just a little bit more than what they expect. Naturally, expectations rise as you go, but that is more feature than bug. It may help to start with someone with low/no expectations, so your frustration level doesn’t teach you the wrong lessons.
- wch | 08/13/2010 @ 11:08
Well, work on #24 while you’re reviewing #5: There is no apostrophe in Hooters.

I would like to add that a man also has a firm grasp of when “Sitting on the couch and not doing a damn thing else” day is. It isn’t frequent, but it is needed, and he lets his people know it is coming.

This is, like, a whole day of this post without any serious objections or the “exception to the rule-ers” popping up. I think my wasps are bringing positive results.
- Andy | 08/13/2010 @ 11:14
A well-earned “D’Oh!” to the both of you, especially for the Hooters thing.

Got some pretty smart nobodies hanging around The Blog That Nobody Reads.
- mkfreeberg | 08/13/2010 @ 11:42
This is, like, a whole day of this post without any serious objections or the “exception to the rule-ers” popping up. I think my wasps are bringing positive results.

Nah. It’s just that SOME of us “exception to the rule-ers” no longer care to cast our pearls before swine. 😉
- bpenni | 08/13/2010 @ 12:46
Wise move on your part, sir.

Oink, oink.
- mkfreeberg | 08/13/2010 @ 13:58
He eats meat. He drinks beer. He goes to Hooter’s.

I don’t actually enjoy Hooters. The scenery is nice, but the beer and the prices are just too disagreeable. I do however, subscribe to Maxim, which I’ll assume is a reasonable substitute.
- Physics Geek | 08/13/2010 @ 20:39
Yeah, I have to agree with that too. We went out last weekend for lunch, me+girlfriend+kid. By the time we were done with the tip it was eighty-six bucks, and that was a lunch.

I think they might be past a curve, marketing-wise. It’s nice to be fed pitchers of beer by sweet young things that could be my daughters & all, with an implied guarantee that I won’t have to look at anything that looks like Elena Kagan…or have to listen to words like “patriarchal” or “heteronormative.” But I have an implied guarantee like that at home. Parting with a C-note for a meal, it’s good for a birthday, but I like to think they don’t want me to stay away for a year at a time.

- mkfreeberg | 08/13/2010 @ 20:49
A pretty solid list — I’m relieved to see that I can pass w/o a curve.

And given that Patton was a West Pointer, I’m pretty sure he could do trig.
- Profmondo | 08/14/2010 @ 07:40
Okay, just to clarify, I take it #25 refers to the “Stepford Wives” remake, not the original. Because the original is pretty much creepy all the way through.
- Rich Fader | 08/14/2010 @ 08:45
They both make it dark & ominous & dreadful for women to bring things to their husbands, smile at them, do things for them, save them some work. And with both versions, I’m sitting there thinking, So what’s the problem??

The premise, of both versions, is just stupid. A siniter plot to make all the women pleasnt & nice?
- mkfreeberg | 08/14/2010 @ 14:20
[…] tonight without posting, just get some sleep. But then I did it. I clicked. I scrolled. And I read. This. I’m not going to “fisk” the whole list, because I’m exhausted. I’m […]
- Why can’t a man be more like a man? | Spleenville | 08/14/2010 @ 19:43
[…] of this list of thirty proposed Irreducible Characteristics of Man, I manage to qualify on twenty-point-something. (Regarding #5, while I have definite carnivore […]
- dustbury.com » The manlier arts | 08/15/2010 @ 18:14
If not trig, then at least some analytic geometry.

Fun list. Has someone countered this for women?

I have only one thing on my list:

A woman never has to use tears to get her way. She understands that tears are unfair, and often devastating to a healthy argument. No matter how much she is tempted, she will suck up the tears and confront her relationship problems head-on, with clear-headed dignity. She will cry afterward, alone.

When a woman like this actually cries in front of you, flowers probably won’t fix it.
- JoanOfArgghh | 08/15/2010 @ 18:38
Wow, Joan. You’d get along like a house-on-fire with The Squeeze. And my late mother, come to think of it. I’m thankful for knowing all three of you.
- mkfreeberg | 08/15/2010 @ 20:23

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What is a Man?Thursday, August 12th, 2010

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Thursday, August 12th, 2010