House of Eratosthenes

Being a man is brilliant. You get to fight, drive cars through explosions, shag birds, drink beer, and be an asshole. But what really make a man a man? Muscles? Sure. Blood, guts, and fisticuffs? It helps. A bit of nationalism? Of course. Wildly improbable baddies, snakes, the Mafia, guns, lots of guns, boxing, and rude words? All are welcome. But manly movies are the real cornerstone of our species – while women are reading Cosmo and buying shoes, us alpha males are out saving the universe with our shirts off. If you’ve started to realise that the music of Coldplay is beautiful and you’re thinking twice about buying that patchouli oil, then pin open your eyeballs and consume the movies on this list: it’ll guarantee any rogue homosomes in your DNA will be swiftly eradicated. However, women should be warned: the films on this list could kill you stone dead if viewed in a single sitting.

My, we’re having fun writing preambles aren’t we?

Well, before the nitpicking commences, get in line in back of me.
• Fight Club was a “wannabe” movie. Interesting spoiler, threaded through a incoherent story. No, it can’t be #1 and it probably shouldn’t even be on the list.
• Die Hard With a Vengeance is not a man movie. Die Hard #1, yes. And along those lines, Rocky IV is vastly inferior to the Original. Originals beat sequels. There are very few exceptions to this.
• No Raiders of the Lost Ark? You kiddin’?
• The Godfather is worth mentioning but the sequel is not? You don’t even know which one had Fredo saying his Hail Mary, do you?
• Harvey. Because a real man dares to be different.
• A Fine Madness. Which is, in all the ways that matter, a more adult-themed remake of Harvey.
• True Grit.
• Goldeneye is a more important Bond movie than Goldfinger, because when they started making it, James Bond was deader than a doornail and the world needed him back.
• High Noon. Because you can’t appreciate real men if you don’t appreciate their purpose.
• Old Yeller.
• Henry is just a generally messed-up psycho movie. A real man is not what Henry is. You might say being able to watch it is a sign of a real man…but a lot of people who’d like it aren’t real men, and a lot of real men, aren’t going to think highly of it. So that’s out. Off the list it goes.
• Hard Target? It sucked. If you want to acknowledge the contribution of the Muscles of Brussels, include Timecop or Kickboxer. Personally, I’d opt for the first of those two because it doesn’t take itself that seriously.
• Miami Vice? Couldn’t stay awake through it.
• The Great Santini. Because it’s the ultimate lifelong (arguably, insurmountable) challenge for any real man to look at his Dad, take in what he likes, and leave the rest. And then kick the old man’s wrinkled ass in a game of one-on-one.
• What a snubbing for Mel. The Patriot; Mad Max; Braveheart; any one of a number of others.
• The Cowboys.
• Centennial (miniseries), by James Michener.
• Shane.
• The Ten Commandments.
• Robin Hood, with Errol Flynn.

H/T: Miss Cellania.

Update 6/13/08: The brain being the chemically-charged battery that it is, and therefore subject to synapse-jumping from random sloshings (we’d have no need for blogs, or lists of any kind, were that not the case), this can always be worked-over a little bit more here & there.

• Shenandoah.
• Bad Day at Black Rock.
• The Fountainhead.
• Patton.
• Steel Dawn; yes it’s stupid, but it’s fun. Road House too, for the same reasons.
• The Graduate.
• Somewhere in Time. Yes, it’s for the ladies. But it’s a funny thing about chick-flicks: They get better and better, and somewhere about the point where it becomes a sure thing your lady’s underwear is going to melt off by the closing credits, you have to put it in the guy-column. Hey, if there’s a tool in your chest that gets the job done all the time, or nearly that often, you hang onto it right? And being a man is all about having the good judgment to hang onto it, right? And gettin’ some? Okay then.
• Idiocracy. Because when you’re done watching Somewhere in Time, you’ll want to see something stupid. And intelligent. The preceding two sentences make absolutely no sense to you if you don’t have a penis, and all the sense in the world if you do have one. That’s what’s so great about it.
• Pale Rider.
• The Great Escape. Nearly three hours without a good-lookin’ woman, and you don’t even notice. Now that is wonderful storytelling!
• Same Time Next Year.
• Outland (which is a metaphorical reconstruction of High Noon).
• Full Metal Jacket.
• Crocodile Dundee.
• Harold and Maude.
• The Mask of Zorro.
• The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance.
• The Little Big Man.
• The Martian Child. Another parable with the same message as Harvey.
• The Karate Kid. Yes, it’s cheesy and quaint now…but it’s got all the elements and it’s put together well. Give credit where due.
• The King and I.
• 1776.
• The Three Musketeers, Richard Lester’s that is…and the sequel.
• Reservoir Dogs.
• A Fish Called Wanda.
• Rob Roy. What is it about Liam Neeson? The two most underrated sword fights of the twentieth century both belong to him. Except the one in Phantom Menace gets a fair hearing now and then, and a good gathering of grudging nods. See this if you haven’t yet. It’s got the Phantom Menace match-up, but m-u-c-h more realistic…no Jar Jar…cold hard steel…a bad guy you’ll really want to see given his come-uppins by then — I mean, you’d give things up for it. Trust me. And that final stroke will not disappoint. The rest of the movie drones on tastefully about what makes good men good men, and good women good women.
• Robocop. I’ll buy that for a dollar!
• The Long Ships. Ride that mare of steel.
• Chinatown.
• After Hours.
• A Bridge Too Far. Forget Jurassic Park; this is Richard Attenborough’s fitting epitaph, when the time comes, right here. What amazing casting. Achievement of a lifetime.
• Pulp Fiction.
• Summer of ’42.
• Total Recall. See you at the party!
• Untouchables. The baseball bat scene alone qualifies it. And Sean Connery deserves to find his way into something here for all his contributions…feeling a little guilty about scrubbing Goldfinger. Best Actor in a Supporting Role to Sir Sean. You want to get Capone? You really want to get him? What’re you willing to do?
• Demolition Man.
• Shogun (miniseries), by James Clavell.
• Eating Raoul.
• Unforgiven.
• Tremors.
• What the hell, let’s give Sir Sean another one. The Rock.
• The Hunter, Steve McQueen’s last movie.
• Running With Scissors. It’s well done and I like the message. Kind of an opposite of Harvey.
• How To Murder Your Wife. She wasn’t naked, she had a diamond in her navel.
• Escape From Alcatraz.
• Speed.

You list is far superior, of course. But you missed “Casablanca”, which reeks of manliness as in men doing the right thing no matter what the cost. Plus it’s my favorite movie.
- chunt31854 | 06/12/2008 @ 12:44
Yeah, these lists are like boxes of doughnuts. The guy who starts on it opens himself up to potential scorn, the stuff that is socially easier & more accepted is done by the ones who come afterward.

Casablanca is certainly a wonderful movie; not my cuppa, but “round up the usual suspects” has a deserving spot in the movie-line hall of fame, and there are many others of course. You know what we’re leaving undiscussed here, is this all-defining distinction between sacrificing your personal well-being for a greater cause that is upheld by your values and beliefs, and sacrificing yourself just because — in which case sacrifice itself is the virtue.

That’s why Cowboys is one of my favorites. The Duke’s goal was not to get killed, it was to mess up Bruce Dern good. And he succeeded.
- mkfreeberg | 06/12/2008 @ 14:18
Manly Mania: It’s only a movie, and that says something looking at the…Um…action films listed here.

You won’t find any real men in the movies, or among the fat freaks and tatoo/pearced hob-goblins found in theater seats.

No, they’re not hanging out at gay bars, doing time for sex crimes, or plotting the overthrow of anything.

In a hostile environment, the hunted must hide. Real men, reacting with Mother Nature’s guidance, have disappeared from view. For now.
- Mr. Hatchetman | 06/12/2008 @ 21:01
I bet you’d like The Big Country with Gregory Peck and Charlton Heston.
- JohnJ | 06/13/2008 @ 22:02
Thanks, John. It’s in the Netflix instant-play assortments, and loaded into the queue now. Looks like good one.
- mkfreeberg | 06/13/2008 @ 22:58

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Twenty Manliest MoviesThursday, June 12th, 2008

Twenty Manliest Movies
Thursday, June 12th, 2008