House of Eratosthenes

Star Wars fans are so often thought-of as one big crowd, and the producers of the franchise encourage this. Once we start to recognize the fractures, I’ve seen there’s a tendency to stop at dividing the mob up into two halves, generational in nature, with my generation being the senior set. I still remember the enthusiasm with which I attacked that little old lady’s lawn, in my torn up jeans, that summer Saturday afternoon in 1980 so I could pull in a few more bucks to go down to Mount Baker Theater and find out what happened after the Death Star blew up. Those who follow such things see the old farts like me, and then there are the kids who learned about Star Wars through the “prequel trilogy,” maybe saw that trilogy first. Which I imagine would affect your perspective a lot.

There are actually several layers to this. They can be defined according to a singular, crisp, clear, concise question: “When did George Lucas lose his marbles?”

Tier Zero, occupied by Lucas himself and a few others I think, would be: Never. He knows exactly what he’s doing. These people are insane.

Tier One would be: When Darth Vader took his first steps in the robotic suit and yelled “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” By the definition of their class, they must think everything was going awesomely great and wonderful up until that moment…so, not too many people here.

Tier Two would involve people who don’t like Hayden Christensen. We should allow a Tier Three, I think, for people who don’t like Hayden Christensen as a whiny little bitch in Attack of the Clones. The difference is that the latter group lost their faith when they realized whining like a little bitch had become, according to canon, an enduring trait among men in the Skywalker family. And I guess maybe I’m partially in that crowd.

Tier Four, of course, has to do with Jar Jar Binks. By extension, it is anyone who was disappointed by all the silliness and hijinks in The Phantom Menace, and by extension the entire prequel trilogy, along with anyone who was turned off by the performance of little Anakin. And the Gungans. And the boring plot about trade disputes. And the conference room scene. And the other conference room scene. And did I say Jar Jar? And, and, and. To such a great extent that the disappointments that came before, didn’t count, and the disappointments that came later aren’t really worth mentioning. They hate the prequels. This is probably the largest one.

Tier Five: Greedo shooting first. The prequel-trilogy thing doesn’t really count for these people because they’ve never gotten over this.

Tier Six: Maybe this is where I am. In 1983, the closing shot was a rum-soaked, woman-chasing, dirty, grizzled, mercenary space-pirate, played by the actor who brought Indiana Jones to life, snuggling little teddy bear muppets. My childhood was already pretty much over by this time, but what little was left of it was ruined at that point. Mercenary pirates shouldn’t be snuggling muppets. That ought to be some sort of a rule.

I suppose there is a Tier Seven for whoever didn’t like the gold bikini.

And then there is Tier Eight: Darth Vader is Luke’s father. That one, I could get over because it opened up some very cool possibilities. But I’ve always had these pangs of regret over it, or loss anyway, since what was being closed off was classic myth: The super-duper dark unredeemable bad guy, who killed the good guy’s father, is now going to kill the good guy with the very same sword that was belonged to — or was used to take down — that father. Good guy manages to duck out of the way with one last-second twist, and in a reversal of fortune nobody could see coming, the bad guy gets it. Take that, bad guy! Daddy is avenged. It’s got a lot to do with surprise, but it isn’t really surprise, we expect it. I expected it in 1980 after cutting that little old lady’s grass. Life’s full of surprises…we adapt…but a part of me has always thought, ya know, maybe things wouldn’t have gotten so messed up if Lucas had stuck to Plan A. Is the “Tale of Redemption” really central to Star Wars’ success? It was already kind of a big deal. Dunno. We’ll just have to wonder about that.

Tier Nine: Lost all, or most, of the fanboy passion when Luke said “But I wanna go to Toshi station to pick up some pooooooower converters!!” Couldn’t take the whining.

Those of us who are in Tiers One through Nine, still like the movies. At least, most of us do. But after the Big Disappointment, wherever it was, we identify with them a lot less and just see them as the creative works of some…well, weird guy who’s into some strange stuff. There was some moment. For me, I suppose it came when Lucas was interviewed about the reaction to Phantom Menace, and said something about how Star Wars is for kids and has always been for kids. He actually made a good point that the change in audience focus was perhaps illusory, a mirage thought up by people roughly my age who had forgotten they were kids when the older movies came out. There is some truth in this. But there is falsehood as well. The big draw for me was the Arthurian myth, interwoven with the ground-breaking special effects. Lucas wants to tell me I cut grass so I could go to his movies and watch Ewoks? Uh, I don’t think so. I’d truthfully have to say, Phantom Menace itself didn’t disappoint me much, it was the stonewalling and the denial and the Obama-like “there’s nothing wrong here, the problem is you” excuse-manufacturing. The failure to own up.

That, and the Greedo thing. Overall, I’m in the crowd that was alienated when Star Wars shifted into this weirdness of “violence never solves anything, and good guys win by not fighting” frame of thought. Yes George, it did shift. It wasn’t due to Phase I budget constraints that Han originally shot Greedo first. And it wasn’t originally called “Revenge of the Jedi” because Lucas hadn’t had enough time to mull it all over. Star Wars went peacenik, and in so doing, left me. Kinda sorta. Not completely. It’s still fun, but a diminished from what it once was.

Point is, I think a lot of people are in that boat, but there are many different stories about how we got there. But what the heck, it’s his story and he can do as he likes. Ya wanna watch it or not?

I think I’m in Tier Four. You be the judge: I lost it when Phantom Menace made the mid-00s Simpsons briefly funny again. Lisa, after watching Cosmic Wars: The Gathering Shadow at the googolplex: “Who would’ve thought ‘the gathering shadow’ was senate redistricting?”

Followed, of course, by Comic Book Guy proclaiming it “worst…prequel…ever! I shall only see it three more times… this afternoon.”
- Severian | 12/05/2013 @ 07:41
This is why I don’t do ‘reviews’. I want to be entertained. Star Wars entertained me. I didn’t look for deeper meanings or character angst (or for that matter, fan angst). Did the plot move from point A to point B without some jarring disconnect? Whether Greedo shot first or not is irrelevant to me, he was an impediment, he’s dead. A to B. Aniken, cute kid.

Sorry. I didn’t even notice the whining, though, having brought it up, yea, I guess so. Like the special effects, all the back story stuff is meant to be ‘un-noticed’, IMO.

It is deconstructionism run amok. My daughter can’t look at a photo without looking at the technical details of the work interfering with the appreciation of the content. Such is the life of a photographer.

I think people get way too invested in things that are not meant to be invested in. I’d rather worry about the intentions of Obama than the intentions of a character in a Galaxy, Far, Far Away…..
- tracycoyle | 12/05/2013 @ 09:33
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- A Basic Guide for Busy Managers and Leaders: Millennials in the Workplace | Paralegal Certification Programs | 12/05/2013 @ 13:04
Why the Star Wars prequels suck (longish):
http://redlettermedia.com/plinkett/star-wars/
- Zachriel | 12/05/2013 @ 17:47
Cuttlefish: That’s hilarious stuff. The kind of thing you want to go back and re-check now & then to make sure it’s still funny.

Tracy: Sorry if I ruined something by pointing out what whiny bitches the Skywalker men are…wish it were not the case, but that’s sort of the point of the post. What can ya do. The whole franchise has become an exercise in “take what you like and leave the rest,” which takes discipline. Oh my, what an edge-case it can be, at times. Wheesa peepul gonna die???
- mkfreeberg | 12/05/2013 @ 19:21
mkfreeberg: The kind of thing you want to go back and re-check now & then to make sure it’s still funny.

Well, the sense of humor of the essay is questionable, but the insight is there. Go to the 7 minute mark of the first part of the Episode One review. The question reveals one of many fatal problems with the prequels.
- Zachriel | 12/06/2013 @ 07:11
No, it wasn’t a criticism. The review is one of my bestest-favorite things on the Internet. The humor is good and the insight is good, although in some places it’s just stating the obvious.

People in funny rubber masks standing around in circles having meetings. I’ve long maintained that science fiction movies should not have conference-room scenes at all. People may disagree with that, but thanks to the prequel trilogy, it’s no longer debatable whether the C.R. scene can be overdone.
- mkfreeberg | 12/06/2013 @ 07:19
Just to clarify our position, A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back are considered great movies by most cinephiles. The prequels suck on many, many levels.
- Zachriel | 12/06/2013 @ 08:45
A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back are considered great movies by most cinephiles

I’m going to be an old fuddy duddy here and proclaim that the first movie, back in 1977, was called STAR WARS. It wasn’t until the stillborn prequels came out that (or when the originals were digitally updated and rereleased before Phantom Menace) that it was renamed as A New Hope. The odds of me ever willingly calling it by that name are somewhat dependent on whether or not someone can infect me with those brain parasites from ST II: The Wrath of Khan.
- Physics Geek | 12/06/2013 @ 11:30
Meesa knows exactly when Lucas lost me.
- Wamphyr | 12/07/2013 @ 06:38

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The Star Wars FansThursday, December 5th, 2013

The Star Wars Fans
Thursday, December 5th, 2013