House of Eratosthenes

I’m just on the light side of 44 now, and in a flash of insight I lately realized that nearly all of the things that have infuriated me beyond all reason…or simply irritated me mildly…have been done by people anxious to prove they’re wonderful. If only people weren’t so desperate to find new ways to prove their wonderfulness, my disposition would be considerably sweetened and I’d probably have a lot more years ahead of me on terra firma right about now.

Those people did these things to define themselves as wonderful people, because they assumed these empty rituals would get it done. How do we convince them this is not the case? Here’s where my flash of insight went off. Maybe…just maybe…they assumed this because nobody ever took the time to tell them any differently.

Okay. Well, I’m telling you differently. Right now. These things do not make you a better person, and if you think they do, you’re wrong.

Raising a child makes you a better person. Conquering a deeply-held fear, or learning a new talent, makes you a better person. Helping out in a soup kitchen, exercising in the morning, holding the door open for a good-looking lady — these things make you a better person.

The following things do not…repeat NOT…make you a better person. They do not change the outcome…except for a few of them, in which case, they change it for the worse. Let’s just get that one thing clear. Word needs to get out, you cannot improve yourself by doing any of these things.

1. Outlawing capital punishment
2. Banning guns
3. Sitting down to talk to our enemies
4. Unplugging the coffee pot after it is done making coffee
5. Unplugging the cell phone when it’s done recharging
6. Inventing new “civil rights” like, for example, someone can use the opposite-gender restroom when they’re a pre- or post-op tranny
7. Taking the convict’s unpleasant upbringing into account during the sentencing
8. Paying more taxes, opposing tax cuts or supporting tax increases
9. Taking the blame for a conflict in which the other party is clearly in the wrong
10. Forgiving someone for the mistake that killed your friend or family member
11. Apologizing for things you fully intend to do again
12. Buying things for your kids, indulging your kids, becoming your own kids’ “best friend”
13. Looking for the union label
14. Knowing who got kicked off American Idol last night
15. Avoiding generalizations
16. Being technologically ignorant, “not knowing a single thing about com-pyoo-ters”
17. Knowing other, non-English, languages
18. Telling jokes
19. Talking smack about Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter, Mark Levin, Neal Boortz, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Sarah Palin, Laura Schlessinger, Roger Ailes, Karl Rove, Tony Snow, Glenn Beck, Oliver North, Ted Olson, Ted Nugent, Laura Bush, Pamela Geller, Mary Katherine Ham, James O’Keefe, Andrew Breitbart, Dan Riehl, Cassy Chesser, Victor Davis Hanson, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, et al.
20. Raising awareness of…whatever
21. Audibly itemizing your husband’s faults to your friends
22. Refusing to bring him a beer
23. Owning a li’l tiny purse-dog
24. Taking sides when your friends are getting a divorce
25. Recycling
26. Driving a hybrid, or converting your car to burn vegetable oil
27. “Totally-respecting” someone/something
28. Believing & repeating every crackpot theory about your kid’s supposed “learning disability”
29. Laughing at jokes you don’t find funny
30. Telling a pretty girl she’s pretty (she already knows, you’re probably creeping her out)
31. Calling them “undocumented immigrants”
32. Siding with the underdog
33. Calling corporations greedy
34. Speaking in an unnaturally high voice (when you’re a man)
35. Crying during a movie
36. Siding with the majority, doing what lots of other people are doing, or showing “solidarity”
37. Removing “In God We Trust” from our nation’s money
38. Supporting an expanded welfare state
39. Getting married
40. Going to church
41. Living under socialized medicine
42. Denouncing the tea parties for being “too white”
43. Demonstrating
44. Playing the lottery
45. Putting a green burial in your will
46. Remaining childless
47. Converting the faithful to atheism
48. Watching “Sex in the City,” or living the lifestyle
49. Getting a grant for “art” paintings or sculptures
50. Forcing your guests to remove their shoes before they come into your home
51. Going vegan
52. Blocking Hooters from opening a restaurant in your neighborhood
53. Giving money to a panhandler
54. Trapping an insect in a glass, carrying it outside, and releasing it as opposed to flattening it
55. Approving a home loan for borrowers who cannot maintain it
56. Sustaining an affirmative-action quota in hiring, contracting or enrollment
57. Wearing something cute
58. Voting for or hiring someone who’s black, Hispanic, handicapped, Native-American or female
59. “Preserving a woman’s right to choose”
60. Not-waterboarding; just feed ’em three times a day and nicely wait for ’em to feel like talking
61. Getting a tattoo
62. Decorating your living room with African or Native-American artwork
63. Carving a “tofurkey” during Thanksgiving
64. Greening your parents
65. Filing a sex-discrimination or weight-discrimination lawsuit…against a place like Hooters
66. Giving your sister/girlfriend some additional encouragement to get a divorce from her husband
67. Dumping more rumors on the Internet about Sarah Palin or Nikki Haley
68. Banning score-keeping during a kid’s soccer game
69. Using hemp products
70. Buying condoms for your kid because he/she is “gonna do it anyway”
71. Legally changing your middle name to “Hussein”
72. Forcing little boys to play with dolls
73. Pushing young girls to enroll in computer science courses they don’t really want to take
74. Wearing a ponytail (men)
75. Going to a gay wedding
76. Enabling a co-dependent
77. Providing a soft shoulder for your “girlfriend” to cry on, with her latest high-drama pity-fit she got from dealing with her OTHER boyfriend
78. Raising your own grandchildren, while your children go out and make more grandchildren
79. Protesting war. It isn’t just hanging around because some people think it’s a swell idea, ya know
80. “Tarting up” your eight-year-old for an on-stage performance — sick, sick, sick
81. Changing lanes without signaling; you aren’t brave, you don’t look brave, you’re actually a fool
82. Boycotting Arizona
83. Supporting a needle exchange program
84. Requiring privately-owned restaurants to allow breast-feeding
85. Raising the minimum wage
86. Supporting wholesale energy price controls
87. Supporting rent controls
88. Supporting a higher capital gains tax
89. Supporting the death tax
90. Using an iPad
91. Using an iPod
92. Sending over a hundred text messages a day to your friends
93. L-O-U-D-L-Y recognizing your friends in a coffee shop, like a cannon going off, so no one within earshot can think about anything else
94. Giving birth at home
95. Getting married in the nude
96. Telling BP to “Plug The Damn Hole!”
97. Teaching your kids all about “conflict resolution”
98. Just about anything you can do to “preserve a child’s self-esteem”
99. Using a cloth grocery bag
100. Doing things the way they do them in Europe

Anyone who does any of these things, or has ever done these things, or has ever thought about doing any of these things (for the purpose of proclaiming your inner personal wonderfulness) — I have a question for you. Why are you feeling un-fulfilled? Why are you going through these empty rituals? Why are you trying to earn the adoration of strangers you will never ever meet again, effectively asking them to adjudicate your worthiness as an individual?

This is a serious problem, although it doesn’t explain all of the serious mistakes made in recent human history. Just the huge ones, maybe.

One other question: What is the nature of this wonderfulness you’re trying to prove? Is it absolute or is it relative? By which I mean, are you asking to be graded on a curve?

There are amazing, vast quantities of energy going into this “proof.” It’s probably way overdue to ask such a question.

Cross-posted at Right Wing News.

I don’t know, MK, I’ve done a couple of things on this list – I’ve gotten married, and gone to church (although not for a while now) and I’ve given birth at home. Everything else here seems to be the forte of those with a more … liberal bent. Oh – I have cried at movies, because I’m lame like that, and I do try to wear cute things from time to time.

I would never list my husband’s faults to anyone, but my ex, now that’s another story. 😉

Most of the things on this list, I’d probably die first before I’d do any of them.

But I was most struck by the forgiving one. Personally, I don’t think it’s humanly possible to forgive. I think that ability can only come with Divine grace. And that leads me back to the thought I had that made me want to comment.

I don’t think anyone can do anything to be “better” people, and anyone who thinks otherwise is pretty foolish. Only God can change human nature, people can’t.

Nothing can make me, or anyone, a better person – and if being a better person is a motive to doing something, then that really boils down to arrogance, IMO. A person isn’t doing something because it’s the right thing to do, they’re only doing it for the accolades and that’s what we used to call a stuck up prima donna. 🙂
- DarcsFalcon | 06/03/2010 @ 23:40
[…] Freeberg understands the dialectic. I’m just on the light side of 44 now, and in a flash of insight I lately realized that nearly all of the things that have infuriated me beyond all reason…or simply irritated me mildly…have been done by people anxious to prove they’re wonderful. If only people weren’t so desperate to find new ways to prove their wonderfulness, my disposition would be considerably sweetened and I’d probably have a lot more years ahead of me on terra firma right about now. […]
- DYSPEPSIA GENERATION » Blog Archive » One Hundred Things That Don’t Make You a Better Person | 06/04/2010 @ 03:44
101. Making exhaustive lists of shit you disapprove of and think other people should too.

Just for the record… and not that you would care… I’ve done 17, 18, 19, 32, 35, 39, 40, 41, 58, 74, and 100 (see: when in Rome). I still do a few of these things and I do ’em because I WANT to do them, they give me pleasure, I don’t give a flying fuck what other people think, and I’m about as fulfilled as I wanna be.

Number 58 raised my eyebrow. I’ve hired blacks, females, and Hispanics. I hired them because they had good resumes, said the right things in the right way during interviews, met the job requirements, and we agreed on salary. Things always worked out, in the sense I never had to fire any of those hires. Are you saying you would never hire any of these people? Really? I’ve voted for individuals that fall in those groups, too. What am I missing here?

Are we dealing in absolutes again? Or did we leave something out here, like “going on and on about any one or more of these things in a demonstrative manner for no good reason?” That would be key. Otherwise your direct statement, and I quote: “Anyone who does any of these things, or has ever done these things, or has ever thought about doing any of these things — I have a question for you.” is judgmental to the frickin’ max. That ain’t pretty, Morgan.
- bpenni | 06/04/2010 @ 04:50
Added: 69.
- bpenni | 06/04/2010 @ 04:54
You need to read more literally; it’s a list of things that do not make you a better person. If you happen to know someone who is gay and is getting married and want to go to their wedding, then fine, go ahead & go. You don’t need my permission anyway.

To do such a thing to make a statement about your worthiness as a person is a serious mistake.

And obviously, the same goes with hiring minorities. If that’s the best-qualified candidate for the job, then the conversation’s over — hire that person. The criticism is for people who would go out of their way to do that, for the sake of saying something good about themselves.

And yes, if a straight-white-male does happen to be better qualified and you hire the minority anyway because you’re so anxious to advertise your wonderfulness, then I’m criticizing you. That is discrimination and the time has come to make it as popular as attending a Klan rally.

This is a distinction I thought was obvious…thought the title would make it clear.
- mkfreeberg | 06/04/2010 @ 05:40
Buck has a very good point with that line that he quoted from your piece. Still, once I got to the 5th or 6th thing on that list that I had done, I figured you were looking more at motivation than anything else. You can listen to an iPod and still be a perfectly good person, but if you are that guy who needs to make sure everyone knows you are listening to an iPod, you are probably not really in it for the music, asshole.
- Andy | 06/04/2010 @ 08:17
See that’s why nobody discusses this stuff, you have to keep disclaiming the same things over and over and over again. I shouldn’t have to, it says right in the title: You aren’t wonderful just because you do these things. In fact, I’d agree with #101 as far as that goes. Making a list isn’t something that makes me wonderful, it’s just something I’m doin’.

We are really missing that part of it; I think people are running out of vital work to do, a new generation is coming up, and the idea is setting in that every little thing anybody does, has to be a statement about their wonderfulness. #96 is as good an example of this as any. The hour is so late that it no longer seems to matter what the ultimate effect is of your/our/their/everybody’s choices, just what it says about personal wonderfulness. And we have this false choice going on it seems: If it doesn’t say something about your personal wonderfulness it must say something about your personal ugliness. Nothing in between.
- mkfreeberg | 06/04/2010 @ 09:10
Okay, I see the point. Updated that part of it.
- mkfreeberg | 06/04/2010 @ 09:12
I feel like I’ve rambled about that before – if you aren’t celebrating diversity, then by default you are condemning it. Every omitted praise is an implied condemnation. Our society has become a strictly celebration or defamation evaluation, and we are no longer allowed to simply not have parades.

Buck and I have gone rounds on the disclaimer thing. I like to generalize, he likes to tell me why he is the exception to the rule. I wrote a whole post about his proclivity for that. It has caused me to make sure I leave as little room for the “exception to the rulers” as possible when I write.
- Andy | 06/04/2010 @ 09:23
Forgiving someone for the mistake that killed your friend or family member

I think that the Amish would disagree with you.

I feel like I’ve rambled about that before – if you aren’t celebrating diversity, then by default you are condemning it.

I call absolute and teetotal bullshit on that statement, if for no other reason than diversity these days is skin deep.
- Physics Geek | 06/04/2010 @ 09:44
Well, Buck’s the resident pedant. And I have to admit he might have saved me some grief on this one.

Andy, as I recall you have a nest of hornets ready to unleash on all the “exception” people. I was looking around for that device last month I think, and wasn’t able to find it. It seems to me to be a handy tool: Andy’s exception-to-rule hornets.
- mkfreeberg | 06/04/2010 @ 10:11
I believe it was wasps. If I had a utility belt, there would be a wasp grenade on it.
- Andy | 06/04/2010 @ 10:18
Found it!

Wasp grenade. I like it.
- mkfreeberg | 06/04/2010 @ 10:28
Well, Buck’s the resident pedant.

Everyone needs a purpose in life. I have three: cigars and beer are the other two. 😉
- bpenni | 06/04/2010 @ 10:39
Capitalism is not all good: we do suffer slightly for our freedoms. Too many choices are created by capitalism, and the ability to direct a choice toward one product over the other translates into fame, success and untold riches. The bright lights and loud sounds (necessary to sway you toward one of the infinite choices) streaming from TV, computers, and advertisiements trigger a very old survival instinct to react with rapt attention whatever visual that’s in front of you. There’s a fight or flight(fright) instinct, and most folks don’t see it as such. It pretty completely explains why the more wired stimulation we receive, the more frazzled we become. Turn off, tune out, and drop stress (copyright mine). Then there’s no reason to fight (over defending our choices) or fright (stress that we chose poorly).
- wch | 06/04/2010 @ 11:52
[…] John Wooden, R.I.P. Cash, Clunkers, Clunker Adjust Your Privacy Settings Auto Play One Hundred Things That Don’t Make You a Better Person Centralizers and Decentralizers == Architects and Medicators? You Can’t Cite the Spill as […]
- House of Eratosthenes | 06/04/2010 @ 19:55
Good stuff.

http://washingtonrebel.typepad.com/washington_rebel/2010/06/saturday-dolly-whip.html
- Irish Cicero | 06/05/2010 @ 17:34
[…] Get Even” John Wooden, R.I.P. Cash, Clunkers, Clunker Adjust Your Privacy Settings Auto Play One Hundred Things That Don’t Make You a Better Person Centralizers and Decentralizers == Architects and Medicators? You Can’t Cite the Spill as […]
- House of Eratosthenes | 06/07/2010 @ 17:38
OK, none of those things “make you a better person” but did you ever realize that most of the people that do the things you listed off just because they want to, and it has nothing to do with wanting to feel superior to you? (not a difficult task)

Look at it the other way around: how pathetic it would be to make a point of avoiding any of these actions in an effort to not appear “soft”. Have a backbone, do what you feel is right; and fuck everyone else’s opinion.

And talk about finding vital work to do; making lists of 100 ways to show people you’re an asshole doesn’t exactly qualify one as having a purpose.

Just saying.
- Commie Fighter | 06/09/2010 @ 07:04
…but did you ever realize that most of the people that do the things you listed off just because they want to, and it has nothing to do with wanting to feel superior to you?

No. I don’t notice that. What I see is a giant vat, with maybe a pint and a half of real honest “doing this because it makes sense to me,” mixed in with gallons and gallons and gallons of sickening, toxic, obsequious fawning and preening.

…making lists of 100 ways to show people you’re an asshole doesn’t exactly qualify one as having a purpose.

So you’re one of the “mistaken people” I discussed over here. Glad to meetcha.
- mkfreeberg | 06/09/2010 @ 07:10
[…] pointed out the mistakes they make, and the mistakes they make about people like me who point out the mistakes they make. We’ve […]
- House of Eratosthenes | 06/11/2010 @ 13:55
[…] short time ago The Blog That Nobody Reads put up a list of one hundred things that do not make you a better person. We perceived then, and still maintain today, that the need for the list was present, intense and […]
- House of Eratosthenes | 06/13/2010 @ 07:06
[…] you think it’s wise, and instead you’re advocating a certain course of action because you think it makes people all better & wonderful, it has an intoxicating effect. People start to embark on this “ends justify the means” […]
- House of Eratosthenes | 06/15/2010 @ 06:17

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