House of Eratosthenes

It could be worthwhile to follow North Denver News for awhile. There is an editor there, maybe more than one, who shares some of my favorite pet peeves. But the satire there might be a little bit too good.

Thomas Martel, 28, of Bonnie Brae is a big guy. So he has a hard time using the features on ever-shrinking user interfaces on devices like his new iPhone. At least, he did, until he had his thumbs surgically altered in a revolutionary new surgical technique known as “whittling.”

“From my old Treo, to my Blackberry, to this new iPhone, I had a hard time hitting the right buttons, and I always lost those little styluses,” explains Martel. “Sure, the procedure was expensive, but when I think of all the time I save by being able to use modern handhelds so much faster, I really think the surgery will pay for itself in ten to fifteen years. And what it’s saving me in frustration – that’s priceless.”…While Martel’s new thumbs now appear small and effeminate in comparison to his otherwise very large hands, he says he can still lift “pretty much anything I could lift before the surgery – though opening spaghetti sauce jars has been a problem. That was a big surprise.”

Three days later, the editor had to drop a note because too many people didn’t pick up on the humor. This is a good thing, because it involved taking a complete inventory of the >points being made by the original piece — of which there were more than one:

…that U.S. society accepts plastic surgery and decorative deformation of the human body for vanity, but not other reasons; that technology has become a new cult phenomena, in which items are praised or ridiculed based upon tribal allegiances instead of functionality and performance; and we like to pretend that some of our writers have a sense of humor.
:
Additionally, many commentators have derided Mr. Martel for stupidity first and foremost, which may indicate something about their credulity. In an era when fake news, like Paris Hilton, has crowded out real news and public debate, the lesson is that skeptical consumption of information, whether from the North Denver News, the New York Times, or the National Review, is a must.

I appreciate that first point the most because it’s the most subtle. This queasy feeling we have about people mutilating their bodies to better interface with technology is understandable: Is it not the nature of technology to be changing all of the time? How long will this bodily mutilation, which one presumes will be carried to the grave, deliver on the expected benefits?

And yet when the conversation shifts to even more excessive bodily alteration for social ingratiation and no higher purpose, the horror subsides instantly. In fact, it seems the hottest trends in alteration have to do with alterations that are most permanent, to accommodate the fashions that are the most fickle. A navel piercing is “in”; a tattoo is more “in” than that; an enormous tattoo, shoulder to shoulder, that couldn’t possibly be removed without grafting and invasive surgery on the level of what you’d receive after surviving a gasoline fire, is more “in” than that. But a fictional character modifies his thumbs in order to more efficiently perform useful work on a Treo or a Blackberry, and he is excoriated as an idiot.

Explanation? It’s quite simple, really: We’re bored.

As a “person of a certain age” I find the whole tat/piercing phenomenon abhorrent, and that’s about the strongest word I can come up with before I’m fully caffeinated. I somehow survived 22 years in the military without a tat, although I did have a few drunken close calls in out of the way places like Angeles City in the Philippines. Which brings up the point: tattoos used to appear only on military folks, bikers, convicts, and other societal dregs. Nowadays your average soccer mom has at least one…go figure. I’m rapidly descending into Old Fart territory here — so I’ll stop now.

And DON’T get me started on silicone boobs…please. That’s a bigger…MUCH bigger (no pun…)…hot button with me than tats or piercings will ever be. There are only two valid reasons for silicone breasts: reconstructive surgery following a mastectomy and as adornments on transgendered males. And the second reason is highly debatable. 😉
- Buck | 08/16/2007 @ 11:02
Aiiieee! You really need a preview function for your comments, Morgan. I could swear I closed that bold tag…but guess not.
- Buck | 08/16/2007 @ 11:04
Hmmm. It ain’t ME, coz there were no tags in my last…nor in this post, either. What’s going on?
- Buck | 08/16/2007 @ 11:05
[…] Zac Efron Contact the Webmaster Link to Article paris hilton Mutilation for Vanity » Posted at House of Eratosthenes on Thursday, August 16, 2007 It could be worthwhile to follow North Denver News for awhile … news, like Paris Hilton, has crowded out real news and public debate, the lesson is that skeptical View Original Article » […]
- University Update - Paris Hilton - Mutilation for Vanity | 08/16/2007 @ 14:02
I can’t just out-and-out condemn the practice of tats. My lady has two herself…but I should add she’s taken care to place them in areas that ought to be covered in a professional environment. No, not there. On the back of the shoulder, and on the ankle. Tattoos never did look sexy to me until I met her.

My whole deal is, it bugs me a lot to see people outsourcing decisions. “I’m getting my dead daughter’s name tattooed on my chest” is one thing. “I’m getting a tattoo because the girls like it” is a completely different thing. The owner of the decision is as-good-as admitting his internal ability to justify the tattoo is sub-par, or at least, unsustainable over the longer term. The sex appeal doesn’t have much to do with what bothers me — except perhaps, when a tattoo is purchased for sex appeal, this tends to place the tattoo automatically in the second category. It’s an outsourcing of the decision.

“I know it’s a good idea because someone else, who isn’t me, values it, nevermind that I have absolutely no way of knowing or controlling what they’ll think about it ten years from now.”

But it’s a free country. I’m just wishing like the dickens someone would check this out because it’s really got the gears in my brain spinning. Altering your body for decorative purposes is neato; altering your body for functional purposes makes us all squeamish. What up wit dat?
- mkfreeberg | 08/17/2007 @ 08:55

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Mutilation for VanityThursday, August 16th, 2007

Mutilation for Vanity
Thursday, August 16th, 2007