House of Eratosthenes

From the President of the United States, all the way down to the guy who cleans gum off the sidewalk after a carnival or a parade, I have a lot more confidence that these offices will successfully fill their assigned duties when they’re filled by Republicans than by Democrats. That is not to say, however, that I trust Republicans much. Now that the Grand Old Party is kicking ass for, oh, what is it now, about six years straight…we’re heading into a time when I’m going to run out of reasons to support them. When the delta between their priorities, and mine, is going to start to mean something.

First things first, though. I want Democrats to be defeated a few more times. Until they’re all the way gone, and not coming back. I believe that’s the American Way, because it hasn’t escaped my notice that on every issue that comes down the pike, Democrats seem to consistently take the position that makes America weaker, less important, embarrassed for itself, ready to compromise prematurely, restricted by special rules that apply to no one else, or some combination of those five. They’ve gotten so much better at proclaiming their outrage about this, that, or some other silly damn thing, than they are at articulating what is to be done about it. I’m looking forward to the day they go away.

And I really like looking at beautiful women in bathing suits. They brighten my day, and besides, like millions of other men, I’ve learned something about women: When women are insecure, trouble looms ahead. Insecure women are black holes for your energy. And they tend to be expensive. So women in skimpy outfits appeal to both of my “heads”.

So this offends me on two fronts. It is a call to action from the American Decency Association, and it has two likely effects, one intentional, one perhaps not: 1) To get rid of the famous Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition, and 2) to give people a reason to vote for Democrats again.

Lisa VanHouten, ADA Executive Assistant, writes an analysis of this highly erotic magazine – offering further commentary as to why this magazine needs to be avoided and combated.

“…. Each lust-producing pornographic pose reinforces the message, to the ogling men and boys who pick up this smut mag, that women are nothing more than sexual objects to be used. And wives and young girls, whose husbands or fathers bring home this issue, are taught that their worth depends on the sum of their body parts…

… This outrageous display of pornography is nothing more than a Playboy, yet, to some in America, the name Sports Illustrated seems to give it a semblance of �acceptability�. Men who would not dream of buying a Playboy, without a thought have the SI Swimsuit Edition in their home or on their coffee table. However, there is nothing acceptable about pornography and that is exactly what the SI Swimsuit issue is � material produced for the purposes of eliciting a sexual response. There is nothing acceptable about the degrading display of women as sex objects. There is nothing acceptable about luring susceptible young boys and men into a pattern of lust and escalating pornography use. There is nothing acceptable about looking the other way when local grocery stores, gas stations, or other shopping establishments such as Target or Wal-Mart display this filth in their magazine racks. …”… Also revolting are the numbers of American companies that have debased their corporate name by aligning with this smut. Many of the corporations stoop to the same level as Sports Illustrated by using very sexual, erotic imagery and innuendo in their ads. In some cases there is little difference from the ad displays of bikini clad models to the SI photo displays.

That this collection of pornographic images is produced in the guise of a �legitimate� sports magazine should outrage you. The fact that this too easily accessible magazine has the potential of starting many young boys down the path to a life-destroying addiction to pornography should anger you. These reasons and many others should drive you to speak to store managers at stores that carry this magazine. And the fact that mainline companies such as McDonald�s, Wendy�s, General Motors, Dodge choose to advertise in, and thus condone, this smut should cause you to exercise your calling to be ‘salt and light’ and email, phone, or write the corporations who align their name with pornography.”

Filth. Smut. Unacceptable. Should outrage. Should drive you. Should anger. Must. Ought. Gotta, gotta, gotta.

Hey Lisa, what happens after we get rid of the SI swimsuit issue? Should all the men become gay? I’ll bet some of the supporters of your boycott would say so…or should American society look to the parents of adult singles to arrange marriages for them, as they do in other countries? Some of your supporters would approve of that, too. In fact, I’ll bet this is the kind of question you wouldn’t want to have asked. I’ll bet if you get this boycott off the ground, it’ll be a critical-mass hodge-podge of lefty-loosies and tighty-righties. Man-bashing ugly feminists who haven’t had a date in years, and don’t want the sexy single men to have dates either…and stuffy Christian fundamentalists who don’t want anyone looking in magazines they wouldn’t buy themselves.

Either way, your little jungle-telegram boycott, here, is likely to flood the American environment with two things I want to see even less than you want to see Sports Illustrated: Democrats, elected by well-meaning imbeciles who couldn’t give a rat’s ass about the Democrat agenda, but simply want to be protected from puritans like you; and otherwise-gorgeous women with shrunken titties in short boy bowl-haircuts and ugly fat-jackets and long pants.

Who do you represent, anyway? You look like some misguided conservative bible-thumper; but I couldn’t help noticing you’ve got all these brittle-feminist-hippy buzzwords in your little screed. “Reinforces the message that women are nothing more than sexual objects to be used”; “wives and young girls are taught that their worth depends on the sum of their body parts.” That’s not Christian-fundie talk, those are brittle-liberal-feminist talking points. And what’s with all the victim-moaning? Call the Waaahmbulance. Do men and young boys complain when they’re taught their worth depends on looking like Orlando Bloom — or on the size of their paychecks? Or on their family’s trust funds?

No, they don’t. Men don’t whine about these things…although they certainly could, if they were so inclined. I can’t help noticing, when you tune into television networks made for young, starry-eyed women…like WB, for example? What do men look like on those shows? Do they look like men you meet in real life? Certainly not. They’re overwhelmingly caucasian, with hairstyles defined by the costuming department to be chiseled just so, and either long, or layered. Primped and preened and gelled and blow-dried in such a way that you’ll never see a man in real life who looks like that if you walk around the hardware store or the shopping mall all day and night. And always talking in that alto/falsetto voice. And wearing a purple shirt. With a skinny violet necktie. You won’t see a flesh-and-blood man, of any persuasion, doing that either.

Do men whine about this? It’s not even thought of as a cause for whining by most men. It’s something that simply is. Some guy on a silly show they don’t watch unless their girlfriends want them to watch it. Just a bunch of guys on one show, all with the same height and build and hairstyle, making it hard to tell ’em apart.

But act all put-upon and victimized about it? Men don’t do that. Maybe if someone started to ask why that is, they’d have a better handle on this self-esteem issue for women and young girls, than you’ll ever get with your boycott.

Oh, do go back to bed and take your “must ought should gotta” screed with you, Lisa. I like the landscape the way it is just fine. Gorgeous women in swimsuits and microskirts and Hooter’s outfits, and Democrats getting their asses kicked in legislative chambers and Congress from sea to shining sea. Tax cuts and dead terrorists, as they say. Just for a change of pace, now that things are working that way, let’s keep them like that awhile, m’kay?

Besides, if this is your idea of “pornography,” you would be amazed at what’s out there, for a lot less money than a Sports Illustrated issue. And you can get it in ways that, trust me, will not be the least little bit congested or obstructed in any way, regardless of what GM, McDonalds or Wal-Mart decide to do.

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Must-Tards VFriday, February 24th, 2006

Must-Tards V
Friday, February 24th, 2006