House of Eratosthenes

I may be entirely alone in all this. I don’t care. But, come to think of it, if you’re in the movie business and have something to say about this stuff, you should care. The older I get — the more irritated I get by these things. And I have to confess I’ve noticed it affects the decisions I make about movies. Not really consciously. I start to take mental notes about who made what, how much I enjoyed it, and what they’re making next time.

So think about skipping these, maybe?

1. The protagonist sits down in front of a personal computer that doesn’t belong to him, and tries to guess the password. I don’t care how. I don’t care if he succeeds or not. It’s just a dumb scene to put in. Actually, if you want to get realistic about it, you should have him fish around for some hidden post-it notes, maybe trip across the password scribbled in felt pen. I’d be fine with that. Never seen anything like it.

2. Where you’re supposed to pick out the bad guy really easily because…
a. He’s over 45 when nobody else is over 25
b. He speaks with a southern accent
c. He wears suits, with neckties tightened all the way to the collar, at inappropriate times — like, for example, late at night
d. He’s an intellectual
e. He speaks with an English accent
f. He has a really, really, really cool house and/or home-office and/or fortress-of-solitude

3. When a healthy person talks to a person in a coma, and muses out loud about whether people in comas can hear what’s going on around them (complicated personal story here, you shouldn’t ask).

4. Where the heroine says some kind of variant of this line, and it’s supposed to be like something original: “I’m going with you!” Hero tries to talk her out of it; fails; it turns out to be a bad idea.

5. Where the President of the United States does something that makes you wonder why the REAL President doesn’t do the same thing; when, in fact, if the real President were to do such a thing, we would have separation-of–powers scandals from here to Tripoli and back again. Like, drawing lots to see who gets to live in a cave when a meteor hits. Directing the government to end poverty and make sure everyone has a job. Stupid bullshit like that.

6. When three- and four-star generals have full heads of hair and, “generally,” look a lot more like Hollywood actors pretending to be generals, than real generals. Something about that just gets under my skin.

7. When two guys are fighting over the same woman…and, because they both have facials, haircuts, beard-trimming patterns, manicures, pancake-makeup jobs that are oh so “chique,” you can’t tell the motherfuckers apart from each other. Hey, you’ve got the same woman screwing both of these guys. First this one, then that one. The scenes are darkly-lit, assholes. Problem!

8. When a “good guy” — not necessarily the hero of the adventures, but someone who’s already been defined as a leading character — yells at some nameless faceless bystanders to “Call 911!” Um…if everybody who is known to us on a first-name basis is a kick-ass action hero…what’s the point??

9. This is the opposite of #8. When the kick-ass action hero is incredibly suave and handsome — but doesn’t know dick about computers. The guy who knows something about computers, is dateless, ugly, comical, stupid in non-computer areas, and you get the idea he smells like ass. I’ve noticed this is a guy thing. Women are allowed to be computer savvy and sexy, for reasons I’m not sure I entirely understand. Guys have to pick.

10. When a “sidekick” makes a reference to alimentary dysfunction in his pants due to intolerable adrenaline rush. If we’re paying $10 a head plus over-inflated prices for popcorn and soda, and it’s going toward comedy one-liners — this doesn’t quite cut it.

11. (Does not include James Bond movies) Where the villain is tricked into describing his nefarious plan in exquisite detail because he believes his selected audience is about to come to an inglorious end, which subsequent events reveal not to be the case at all. If this is not a 007 installment, it’s a case of copyright infringement. If it is…well, I get a little ticked if the scene is not there. Can’t have a Bond movie without the bad guy revealing his plans. It’s just not right.

12. The “dad” is dysfunctional, boring, clumsy, comedic, stupid, uncoordinated, disorganized, oblivious to his surroundings, disruptive to the natural/social activities of his spouse/spawn, overly competitive, overly zealous, overly opinionated, unreliable…did I already mention stupid? IT HAS ALREADY BEEN DONE BEFORE. If your stupid new-movie relies on this too much, maybe it was a mistake to green-light it. You make a mistake, and don’t admit it, you’ve made two mistakes.

13. The point is made on a philosophical level — that dissent is not necessarily unpatriotic. **BARF** Has any point been made on a philosophical level, and re-made, and re-made again, more often than this?

14. When the good guy commandeers a vehicle using police power, or by turning the conveniently left-behind key in the ignition (especially in a city where you would never, ever do this, like in LA).

15. When an ugly girl is made-over into a hot chick.

16. When people are punched or kicked in the face REPEATEDLY and keep fighting with no visible damage.

17. Opposite of #16. When a well-placed karate chop between the shoulder blades knocks an unsuspecting victim unconscious.

18. When the hero figures out the only way he can protect some priceless artifact or protected secret, is to steal it.

19. When the pain-in-the-ass maverick, or convicted felon, is recruited for something only he can do…and that something turns out to be just a lot of fighting. That’s just stupid.

20. Any trash-talkin’ between the good guy and the bad guy that includes the line, “I don’t think so.” By either one of them. It comes off like the little sticky-note with “substitute this with a decent line when you get a chance” fell out of the script.

Hey! I kinda like it when they turn the ugly chick into a hot chick. That’s mostly because (ok, I won’t lie — it’s because duh — there’s a hot chick on the screen.)

But more seriously, it’s that in my experience, a solid majority of chicks have a hot chick hiding inside there somewhere — they just aren’t aware of it, or are afraid of her for some reason.

I had a great time reading this post. Read a bunch of them aloud to my wife — who looooves movies. There were several… ahem, “LOL”‘s.
- philmon | 12/17/2006 @ 22:40

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Movie Scenes I Really HateSunday, December 17th, 2006

Movie Scenes I Really Hate
Sunday, December 17th, 2006