House of Eratosthenes

Oh I forgot to mention, on the subject of the globular wormening…when they remake this classic, at the end when Klaatu lectures us silly earthlings on the evils of war and weapons and violence and what-not, they’re going to drop all the peacenik stuff and instead the smarmy alien is going to give us a lecture about ManBearPig.

Keanu Reeves, who stars as the film’s intergalatic messenger, Klaatu, tells MTV Movies that in Scott Derrickson’s remake of the sci-fi classic, his voyage to Earth is prompted by more than just humanity’s endless thirst for war:

“The first one was borne out of the cold war and nuclear détente. Klaatu came and was saying cease and desist with your violence. If you can’t do it yourselves we’re going to do it. That was the film of that day. The version I was just working on, instead of being man against man, it’s more about man against nature. My Klaatu says that if the Earth dies, you die. If you die, the earth survives. I’m a friend to the earth.”

That’s right, gang — Klaatu has gone from pacifist weenie to tree-hugging hippie. (Or, more precisely, pacifist weenie and tree-hugging hippie; as Reeves puts it, “We’re trying to reach beyond the idea of [just] environmentalism.”)

It’s impressive that Hollywood was already indulging in this nonsense about “we’re so stupid we need someone external to show up and tell us how stupid we are” fake humility back in 1951. The “we”, of course, is lowercase-w; it means the we sans me. Everyone who worked on the 1951 classic understood war was dangerous, it was everybody else who needed to be lectured by Klaatu. That’s two years before Shane, four years before Gunsmoke. So before Father Knew Best, we were already marching off, gathering momentum, on this other hot new fad where father did not.

This is significant. It shows we have a deep-seated, timeless psychological need to externalize wisdom. We want to envision ourselves as dysfunctional. Which snotty lecture Klaatu flies in to give us, is secondary; we need him. So I don’t fault Keanu and crew for swapping out one lecture for another. The story is really all about Planet Earth lacking any common sense until someone flies in from elsewhere to import it. The message could be about anything.

In fact, if they want to remake this a few more times, I have some more ideas.

We could start with the highest-level ideas. Klaatu could fly in to tell us to stop being liberal. We’ve been watching you from afar and you never seem to learn. It just doesn’t work, okay? Get rid of your liberalism, or we’re going to come back and do it for you.

He could address some issues more specifically. We see you are a dishonorable race, incapable of keeping covenants to your own kind. You have ratified this document called the Second Amendment, freely and of your own free will, and a couple hundred years later you’re outlawing guns in the cities where people need them the most.

Klaatu could arrive as a messenger from a doomed planet, dying out because they tried universal, socialized health care. Don’t make the same mistake we did!

Or Klaatu could point to Jeremiah Wright and say, you earthlings love to talk about prejudice and bigotry but don’t you know it when you see it?

Stop wasting time arguing about weapons of mass destruction. You know Saddam had the Anthrax, you know he was up to no good, and by the way there are about eleven other dickheads out there you’d better start invading. If you knew what we knew you’d get started by noon tomorrow. Oh and by the way, the United Nations shouldn’t even have anything to say about this because the defense of a nation is a national, not international, issue. They’ve bolluxed up the whole issue more thoroughly than George W. Bush ever will. But if you must keep them involved, take away France’s veto power for heaven’s sake. Honestly, getting permission from some foreign nation to defend yourselves? How’d you get to this point.

You shouldn’t be listening to anyone warn you about global warming unless they drive something that gets at least 35 miles a gallon. That Klaatu from the other movie put out six quadrillion carbon tons just to get to you. Oh and by the way, carbon dioxide doesn’t cause global warming. Agricultural emissions contribute much more potently to any greenhouse effect than any techno-industrial component ever will. I mean, c’mon, we know you earthlings love a good scam but this one has worn out its own welcome. Move on.

Stop being so hostile to capitalism. Capitalism is good.

The military is good too. On my planet, we tried to do away with war by getting rid of the military. Big mistake. Soldiers don’t make war; soldiers make peace. You have an all-volunteer military here in America. Don’t wait until November 11 to thank them; thank them whenever you can.

Stop your petulant hostility toward masculine things. Men are good. Now and then, they have good ideas. Admitting it once in awhile, doesn’t “set the clock back.” There’s nothing wrong with letting men look at good lookin’ women in bathing suits. And don’t stop making James Bond movies. On my planet, we think it’s the best thing to come out of here. The Barbra Streisand concerts, you can keep.

Play with your kids. Television shows and video games have a very long shelf life. They won’t rot.

Don’t treat your son as a freak, or a weirdo, or a mental patient, just because he acts like a typical boy. Stop medicating the bejeezus out of your kids. We’ve gotten used to pointing and laughing at how you earthlings behave, and we’re afraid in another generation you’ll all be so doped up we won’t even know what earthling behavior is anymore.

We have been shaking our alien heads in sadness at how easily you let illegal aliens invade the United States. I, Klaatu, am a respectful visitor. When my visit is done, I’m outta here. I’m not going to pretend to be a citizen when I’m not, go driving without a license, get drunk and kill people. We’re upset that you tolerate people who do these things. Do your own laws, and your own children, mean so little to you?

When the morning news is showing you how cute a dog looks in a Halloween costume, or that an ink pen is really cool because it has a highlighter concealed inside, it isn’t news anymore.

If you get insight on life and tips on how to live it, from shows like “Desperate Housewives” or “Six Feet Under,” there is something terribly wrong with you. Get help.

Even better, don’t. Stop telling each other to “go to counseling.” Especially your spouses. We aliens are particularly embarrassed for you when we see how earthlings treat marriage lately. If you’re married, and you have some friends who encourage you to be hostile to your spouse, stop talking to those friends. If you’re a wife, and a feminist, but your brand of feminism makes you an angry and bitter wife, stop being a feminist. Ditto for the men. If you have a “buddy” and you’re a lousy husband because you have that buddy, stop talking to him. Being a spouse is not a pass-fail thing. If you are one, take pride in how good you are at being one, and get better at it every day.

When a corporation is taxed, it passes the tax on to the consumer. Stop taxing businesses, or electing politicians who pledge to tax businesses, because of your own shoddy economic circumstances. You has met the enemy and he is you.

If you’re watching me give this speech on a digital television, or on your iPhone, thank a nerd. Be nice to nerds. You earthlings are using high-tech gadgetry all over the world, even in what you call “third-world nations.” Everything you have that you want to keep, you got from nerds. But you work so hard at being hostile to nerds, and making sure your kids won’t grow up to be nerds. It’s like you’d rather have your kids grow up to be spoiled brats, than nerds. If you have a daughter, and you catch her being snarky or mean to the nerds just because they’re nerds, take her cell phone away until she figures out how it came to be. She’ll thank you later.

That brings me to another point: Dogs weren’t built to be carried around in purses.

Stop smoking pot. You are at your silliest after you’ve been smoking pot. You should hear the things you say. But when you outlaw pot, outlaw it in your state, not the entire nation. Even better, outlaw it in your county. It’s a neighborhood quality-of-life issue. Stop telling people how to live, in places you’ve never been. From my planet, we can see you in New York telling people in Montana how fast they should be driving…and that makes us very sad. You have a Tenth Amendment. Use it. Local control is good.

Um…and on THAT note, fittingly, my speech is done since I’m not from here. I am Klaatu. I’m here to point out what you’re doing wrong, not tell you what’s right.

Just use some simple common sense, earthlings. Ever since you voted for Bill Clinton, you’ve been on a steep decline. Gort is upset. Straighten up and fly right, or face the wrath of Gort. We’ll be watching.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.

Recent

Items of Interest

Monthly Archives

What They Say

Links

Klaatu Goes GreenWednesday, March 26th, 2008

Klaatu Goes Green
Wednesday, March 26th, 2008