House of Eratosthenes

There’s a reason everybody’s talking about it, of course: It doesn’t make any freakin’ sense. The slightly-good-looking and somewhat-annoying girl-next-door has enjoyed some success improving her appearance in a bikini…and that makes her hottest of all time. Okay, here we go again: It sounds a little bit mean, and I’m sure it’s politically incorrect as just about anything, but if the judgment is to be rendered on who’s a hotter woman than who, then all the straight women and gay men need to recuse themselves. It just isn’t their thing. Some salamanders are born without eyeballs; would you consult one on the best wallpaper for your kids’ bedroom? No, you wouldn’t.

Well, I’m certainly qualified. And so, a short list of women who are hotter than Jennifer Aniston, who somehow didn’t even make the list. Keep in mind, I was asking myself “Are they better-looking than Jennifer Aniston has been known to be on her very best day?” That was my criteria, and I came up with:

Maud Adams
Jenny Agutter
Karen Allen
Nancy Allen
Christina Applegate
Amanda Bearse
Genevieve Bujold
Dyan Canon
Lois Chiles
Corinne Clery
Elisha Cuthbert
Brittany Daniel
Lisa Darr
Zooey Deschanel
Britt Ekland
Angie Everhart
Barbara Feldon
Sherilyn Fenn
Heather Graham
Kate Hudson
Elizabeth Hurley
Amy Irving
Mitzi Kapture
Kloe Kardashian
Cheryl Ladd
Sheryl Lee
Lucy Liu
Shelley Long
Sophia Loren
Rose McGowan
Ali McGraw
Alyssa Milano
Maria Montez
Mary Tyler Moore
Olivia Munn
Tara Reid
Diana Rigg
Tanya Roberts
Keri Russell
Izabella Scorupco
Jaclyn Smith
Jill St. John
Heather Thomas
Jeanne Tripplehorne
Bridgette Wilson
Lana Wood
Natalie Wood

Now, one or two of those might actually have been on the list, and maybe I missed it because I didn’t go looking around for women who are hotter than Jennifer Aniston, until I was all finished leafing through what they put up, page by page. As I took that first step, I put together a roster of their mistakes — women who should’ve placed higher, and someone in charge of this misguided effort deliberately ranked behind Jennifer Aniston. For shame, guys. It comes to 34 names, which is a third of the total.

In the order they appear, on this bottom-to-top list, they are:

100. Catherine Bach
97. Cybill Shepherd
96. Mila Kunis
94. Kathleen Turner
90. Barbara Eden
86. Grace Kelly
84. Loni Anderson
80. Elle MacPherson
77. Kelly LeBrock
76. Anita Ekberg
71. Cheryl Tiegs
64. Kylie Minogue
59. Diane Lane
56. Bo Derek
48. Kathy Ireland
47. Aishwarya Rai
40. Mariah Carey
39. Cindy Crawford
38. Teri Hatcher
37. Claudia Schiffer
33. Beyonce
30. Jayne Mansfield
28. Ann-Margret
29. Kim Kardashian
23. Carmen Electra
20. Heidi Klum
19. Heather Locklear
18. Shakira
16. Christie Brinkley
12. Scarlett Johansson
9. Jane Fonda
7. Bettie Page
3. Marilyn Monroe
2. Raquel Welch

I don’t doubt there are a lot of dull, or joy-killing, women out there who find it reassuring that someone well-known and jilted by Brad Pitt came out on top of something. Unfortunately, this invalidates the entire list. It doesn’t even rate as any kind of a “list” if there isn’t consistency in the criteria as they are being applied, and in this case it seems “hot” means one thing for the bottom-ninety-nine personalities cited, and then for this top contender it simply means “there are some swimsuit pictures floating around of her that look kind of okay.”

Nobody is fronting the reason for the Anniston Call but it is this…. It is a safe bet that somewhere above 75% of the Men’s Health staff (man or woman) is gay.

That is all. Jennifer Anniston…. all time favorite girl friend of gay men.
- vanderleun | 12/11/2011 @ 15:18
Putting Pitt into the mix made her more gay favoritist.
- vanderleun | 12/11/2011 @ 15:21
Amanda Bearse?? You mean the dyke who played “Marcy Darcy” on Married With Children? You’re kidding me, right?

That said, you’ve got some good picks. Zooey Deschanel and Mila Kunis in particular, were excellent picks. I’ve got a few of my own:

– Anna Kournakova
– Jelena Jensen
– Morgan Webb (sucks that she has the first name as you. When I watched Attack of the Show, I never really thought Olivia Munn was “all that.”)
– Kate Winslet
– Natalie Portman
- cylarz | 12/12/2011 @ 00:50
Oh oh! Debra Messing. The slutty newlywed wife from “Along Came Polly,” coincidentally a movie with Jennifer Aniston in it.
- cylarz | 12/12/2011 @ 00:53
I evaluated Ms. Aniston based on an “On Her Very Best Day” snapshot, this is part of the reason Kournikova didn’t make the cut. So it only made sense to do the same for her competition. In the case of Ms. Bearse, her “hotness” image was taken from Fright Night…which is an entirely different image. She’s well into “yowza” territory, doesn’t matter if she’s batting for the other team.
- mkfreeberg | 12/12/2011 @ 05:27
Most fun I’ve ever had making a list;
Adrienne Barbeau
Alica Sacramone
Amanda Lucas
Anna Popplewell
Bettie Page
Brittany Spears
Emma Watson
Helan Mirren
Kelly Clarkson
Kelly Osbourne
Lilly Allen
Natassia Kinski
Yvonne Craig
Sandra Bullock
Renee O Conner
- kermitt | 12/12/2011 @ 07:04
[…] The basic problem with making a list of “the hottest women of all time” is that, well, it’s going to be biased toward those we see every day and against those whom we’ve never seen at all because they died in the 1840s or the 1440s or in 40 BC or whenever. There has already been backlash of a sort from blogdom: neo-neocon — fairly hot in her own right, I suspect — asks “Are you kidding?” and Morgan Freeberg makes a list of women not on the list who ought to be there ahead of Jennifer Anisto…. […]
- dustbury.com » No suitable thermometer exists | 12/12/2011 @ 08:04
Wait. Did I stumble into the online edition of “People” by mistake?
- bpenni | 12/12/2011 @ 09:06
Dude, I’ve been a long time Aniston fan (before Friends) and even I balked at this stupid list. While I did like your list of women who -not on the list- were hotter than Aniston (especially the Agutter inclusion, BTW), I do take exception to one choice:

Khloe Kardashian

Seriously, you think that Red Chewbacca is hotter than Jennifer Aniston? If I were Harry Mudd, being surrounded by 100 androids of Khloe Kardashian would be enough to make me want to breathe vacuum, and I didn’t feel that way about the harpy Harry ended up with.
- Physics Geek | 12/12/2011 @ 14:19
Oh, and I’d like to add Yvonne Strahovski to the list.
- Physics Geek | 12/12/2011 @ 14:21
Oh…wait…there’s a Kourtney or something isn’t there? So there’s three girls?

Your reference to Chewbacca made me think. Crap, I think I named the wrong one. Have to do some Google image searches tonight, you might be on to something. One of them does look like a Wookie, right?
- mkfreeberg | 12/12/2011 @ 14:46
Kourtney is pretty hot. If that’s who you meant, no foul. But Khloe? Well, I’m certain her husband thinks she’s hot. Also the entire Wookie planet.

Mean and harsh, yes. Unfortunately, also true.
- Physics Geek | 12/12/2011 @ 20:52

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Jennifer Aniston Hottest Woman of All TimeSunday, December 11th, 2011

Jennifer Aniston Hottest Woman of All Time
Sunday, December 11th, 2011