House of Eratosthenes

Dear Jack M.,

You seem like the only regular coblogger who has ever dated a member of the opposite sex. You also seem like the kind of guy who gets dumped a lot.

I want to end a relationship with a guy, but I want him to think it’s his idea because I’m a wimp. Can you give me advice on how to do this? I’m sure you know.

*Name Withheld*

Blogger gold ensues…ten nuggets, of content equivalent to this…

No man sporting a pair of testicles (and I can probably widen the list to include uniballs like Lance Armstrong) gives a rats f’n ass about “Sex and the City.”

If you admit to watching it, you are announcing to the world that you identify with:

A) A 90 year old whorebag;
B) A red-headed lesbian;
C) A phony, holier-than-thou goody-goody or
D) Matthew Broderick’s sloppy seconds.

None, and I repeat, of these characters are attractive in the long term. Unless you, as the red headed lesbian, also have a hot and eager female friend.

Which seems unlikely. After all, if you did, why would you be wasting time watching “Sex and the City”?

Trust me on this: Just drop the phrase “I’m such a Miranda” into small talk and I guarantee you your phone won’t ring again. Unless the guy you are dating is gay and wants fashion tips.

I try to keep my comments to myself on the single life. Because I really haven’t spent that much time in it…at all…what was it, about eight months of dating some five years ago? And then before that, something like three weeks on the market a decade previous.

But there is something going on out there. A young, intelligent, hot & attractive single and available woman, is single and available for a reason.

From the more recent experience, I perceive it is the shopping that does ’em in. Not the spending of money — the impression that shopping leaves, upon the waifish, inexperienced mind, still learning how to perceive the world in which it lives. They were there to pick something out. And they didn’t have to do that good a job of it…they were well accustomed to dealing with an overly generous return policy…they were just gliding along, showing about as much cognitive thought as your average Obama voter, waiting to be dazzled by something. That the something could be picking them out, was a completely foreign concept to most of ’em.

And some of the things I heard coming out of their mouths; just tragic. Showing themselves just completely unready to reconcile on anything, challenges large or small, with a masculine consciousness. “I’m such a Miranda” — I don’t even know what that means but that captures it.

Don’t even get me started on how they wrote their personal ads. Over 50 percent of female-personal-ads, I would conservatively estimate, contain this phrase: “I’ve kissed a lot of frogs.” How much thought do you need to put into your draft, to figure out this might not be what a guy has in mind when he’s reading that section?

How did I get myself out of that pathetic existence? I used reason and logic. The “average” woman, after all, to the extent she exists in any form — she’s no dunce in the department of treating love and romance as a financial transaction. Girls are way ahead of guys here. And yet, when you advertise a product (herself) to its potential consumers, in terms of how happy they will make you (saleslady) by doing the consuming after all the frustration you’ve been through with getting it sold previously…that demonstrates just a mind-blowing lack of comprehension in exactly that area. You don’t place an ad for a car, using up your precious $2 words droning on about all the customers who bought the car before, and then for some reason demanded their money back?

And yet the “average” lady advertising her availability, thought there was great urgency in getting this mentioned. Her pitch was “Hey fellas, here’s a chance to make me happy,” and then we were all supposed to come running. They were accustomed to family members, and fictitious movie characters, behaving strangely, living out their lives for no higher purpose than to please Princess. Like I said: Available for a reason. And so I figured out, there’s some tiny slice of women who are in this market, who don’t really belong here…they understand things the rest of ’em don’t.

And so I defined the target, developed some ways to recognize it when it popped up, and zoomed in on it. Worked out pretty well.

“I’m such a Miranda.” That cracks me up. I wonder if there’s anyone anywhere with a penis & testicles who has even the slightest idea what that means.

Leave it in the comments below, if you’ve a mind to educate me. I really don’t care. Google requires such precious little effort, but somehow I can’t quite work up the give-a-damn.

You don’t place an ad for a car, using up your precious $2 words droning on about all the customers who bought the car before, and then for some reason demanded their money back?

Great analogy. Pure Morgan Gold.

I think I have some insight on it, though, and I think it boils down to a general female need to be made to feel “special”. This is why ads that use phrases like “because I deserve it” work. It’s why women chase the bad boy. They want the bad boy, the rebel, the wild animal to treat them differently than they treat anybody else, which shows her that she’s something above and beyond all the other women.

If they just pick a decent bloke who loves them for who they are, they don’t get that sense of “specialness”. He treats everybody well. Where’s the evidence that I’m better, that he values ME more? Much more? So they don’t feel the power rays bursting off of themselves. They get something warm and steady and ultimately good, but it’s too boring for them.

It’s an ego problem.

I’ve known several women who have figured this out and have finally opted for love rather than feeding at the spotty, unreliable “ego trough”. Some of them got it after their first marriage. Those are the lucky ones. Most of the rest of them it was after their second or third marriages. Sadly, from what I can see, though, is most women who suffer from this ailment never do figure it out.

Getting back to the point, though — it’s a case of projection. They’re saying “none of these guys were good enough for me. If you win, it’s because you’re special. You deserve it.” Because that’s what they want to feel. They figure you do, too. But for the most part, we’re not wired that way.

Don’t get me wrong. Many guys are the same way. But it’s not really the norm as it seems to be for females. And it ultimately hurts them. Maybe we’re not raising our girls right.

I didn’t have any to raise, so you can’t blame me 😉 Just boys.

But I sure pined away for lots of girls who would complain to me all the time about their “bad boys” while telling me … “you’re a nice guy, BUT … and I hope you never change, BUT …”

As I’ve gotten older, more than one of them has expressed to me regret over their previous blindness to the love that was right in front of them after they went through disasterous marriages with their self-centered rebels.

Incidentally, I don’t give a hoot about “Sex in the City” — I think it’s trash. I have seen a few episodes over the years for whatever reason. And if you’re going by pure looks, Miranda’s definitely the hot one. I don’t know anything else about her except for the fact that the actress that plays her has no interest in anybody with testicles. Which kind of takes care of the whole “she’s hot” thing in my alternate fantasy world.
- philmon | 04/10/2009 @ 11:22
And if you’re going by pure looks, Miranda’s definitely the hot one.

Really? I thought she was that other one, with the short hair. I remember Kyle McLachlan had something to do with this (maybe it really was Matthew Broderick and I”m just confused) and the one he married was really good looking but wasn’t given any decent lines. There’s a short one, one that’s not Sarah Jessica, whose haircut, body language, fashion statement just radiate the lifestyle…and she isn’t even pretty. I thought she was “Miranda”…I should probably do research before commenting away like this…

I’ve never understood how the Beatles became popular, and I really don’t understand why SitC is so popular. The other stuff I don’t understand, your explanation makes as much sense as any other.
- mkfreeberg | 04/10/2009 @ 12:04
Heh. Yes. She’s the one with the short red hair. But you see, that’s because beauty is in the eye. To each his own. I think she is. But I can see where some people might not agree.

Same with the Beatles. I know why they became popular. Because they were good. But then again, some people like opera and I really don’t. I prefer my classical music “instrumental”.

At least we agree that SitC is trash. Heh. Maybe we should start calling it “Trash in the City”.

But that would make it look too much like we gave a rat’s ass.

Besides, we agree on lots of other far more important things.
- philmon | 04/10/2009 @ 13:07
As usual, Bob Dylan has it nailed:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RpGCgeTk19w
- roylofquist | 04/11/2009 @ 10:47

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