House of Eratosthenes

How’s this. Since NBC is rejecting Wonder Woman, she goes back to pages 1 through 22. She goes prancing around in that tiny Lynda Carter thing with her bare legs all hanging out and everything, the whole time. Some feminists try to get her to wear some pants and she completely blows ’em off.

Wonder Woman and Crew Then she runs up and kicks Superman’s fickle ass of steel.

Everybody ends up happy. Superman the hyper-nationalist super-patriot gets his ass kicked; Superman the sissypants internationalist bozo gets his ass kicked; a woman kicks a man’s ass; and the feminists who try to get all the good-looking women to cover up their legs, are told to stick it. Plus you have Wonder Woman’s bare legs. Everybody wins except ugly feminist women with mustaches, and who gives a rip about them.

Okay, seriously though. What makes comics great, especially comics from the Golden Age. We marvel at them for their consistency. They morph a little bit, but all that shows is that there are fine minds behind these pages, and not automatons. And let’s repeat: They morph a little bit. There’s a balance.

If they’re complete chameleons, then that’s nothing but a digest of current events. Might as well just bag the comic book and sit in on a fashion show. We are amazed by these works of art because something is remaining consistent; without that, they’re just drawings. Drawings aren’t nearly so precious. Lots of people can draw. I mean, I’m not one of ’em, and I don’t mean to put anybody down, but it’s true. In 2011 there are lots and lots of titles out there. But we buy DC and Marvel because? Right. The legacy.

I realize everybody who pitches in is going to want to leave their mark. That’s only natural. And it isn’t undesirable at all. So here’s the guideline I’m proposing: Stick to defining things that aren’t defined yet. Super-freeze-breath is stupid and not supported by the laws of physics…and I don’t mean like flight or super-strength, I mean, not even remotely, not even a little bit. Canx it, it’s dumb. Can Wonder Woman fly? If so, ditch the plane, it’s stupid. If not, keep the plane, but she can’t fly without it. Where the hell do Clark Kent’s shoes go? After 73 years maybe it’s time to come up with an answer to that, right? What happens if Wonder Woman tries to deflect a bullet and she misses? If nothing, then why does she bother trying?

So Superman stands for The American Way…oh yes he does…and Wonder Woman shows off her legs, and whatever brittle ugly women with wretched looking legs don’t like it, along with the “World Without Borders” maniacs wanting Superman to be more international — which he isn’t — they just don’t have to buy the damn thing. I mean, seriously. How much loot were they going to spend, really? How many sponsors’ products were they going to buy? Thought so. Toss ’em out on their ears.

This moment of common sense is brought to you free of charge. You’re welcome.

Compare Update 5/13/11: Aw, can’t believe we missed this. We must be more of a leg man than we thought we were. Even though we wrote about this before it completely went over our head.

The photos. Look at Lynda Carter’s costume…this is what I was talking about, there are elements of it that go clear back to the very beginning, the one with the “beauty contest winner” look and the long false eyelashes. Look down, below the waist. The boots and the skimpy panties that have these nameless no-account busybodies so huffy and peeved. Now look over at Ms. Palicki with the ridiculous horse-jockey outfit.

And then think about Superman renouncing the citizenship, and all that hoop-de-doo.

This is the same effort, the same attempt. They aren’t trying to make it so gorgeous, beautiful young women are dressing like men. That’s part of it, to be sure, but only just…

Wonder Woman, with the ridiculous trouser outfit, was shedding the stars and stripes. The shorts were white stars on a field of blue. The boots were red and white striped.

Now of course, that all makes sense in some way. Comics are sold overseas. If you’re selling comic books, why settle for greenbacks when you can have those, plus euros and pounds and yen? They’re trying to go after an international audience.

But here’s the thing though. People in foreign countries have wanted to buy American products for a long, long time. People in foreign countries, Japan especially, have been interested in American culture. For a relatively long time.

See, America isn’t changing that much. Superman and Wonder Woman, to the extent they exist — as icons of appeal, which I think have been defined through these latest failed attempts to reshape and change them — aren’t changing that much either. At the end of the day, when it comes time to get comic books & related products moved, Superman still embodies American ideals and Wonder Woman wears a swimsuit with boots that have American-flag colors.

Kinda. Depending on the venue.

It’s the rest of the world that is changing. This is what nobody’s paying attention to, and I think they/we should. People overseas who happen to have money, a generation ago, would see a product associated with America and say “I’ll buy that.” Maybe even, “because it’s American and I like American stuff, I’ll buy that.” This year, maybe they’ll buy it if you take out a razor blade and carefully remove the red, white and blue labeling…it isn’t so much the idea it was built in the United States…they don’t want the words, they don’t want that name, they don’t want the colors. We’re being boycotted. These new costumers and artists are still narcissistic pricks itching to be able to say “I’m the one who” completely re-made an icon that is timeless. But they’re acting on behalf of consumers, or potential consumers…who, in turn, are acting on behalf of others who might see them using, or reading, or eating or drinking something with red-white-and-blue. And this isn’t desired.

And no, from what I’m seeing this did not start in 2003 with the invasion of Iraq. From what I recollect, this subtle push has been going on since about a decade before that, maybe a bit more.

The solution is completely obvious. We need to boycott back. And no, I don’t think that is a lost option in this day & age in which we owe China a bunch of money. If we’re really suffering the fate of sharecroppers, then it’s in China’s interest that we stand up for ourselves, because debt that is owed by a country set to survive & thrive in the years ahead, is worth much more than debt that is owed by a country petering out of existence.

Where the hell do Clark Kent’s shoes go? After 73 years maybe it’s time to come up with an answer to that, right?

I remember coming up with that very same question back when I was eight or so, while watching the first or second Superman movie on TV back in the early 80s. For that matter, I got to wondering: Okay, so Superman has the super suit with the big red ‘S’ on underneath his coat and tie all along, right? So, is he wearing the red boots, too? Do they fit inside Clark Kent’s dress shoes, and he takes them off of the boots at the same time he removes the tie? For that matter, how does the cape fit underneath Clark’s suit coat? Doesn’t anyone every notice that the coat and slacks look bulky or misshapen with the super suit hidden underneath?

Later on, I had some more questions:

Why does Superman switch from his alter ego to his real one inside a PHONE BOOTH, which is mostly-glass and doesn’t offer much privacy?

Where does he stash his Clark Kent get-up when he’s flying around as Superman – does he hide his coat & tie & slacks & glasses & and dress shoes inside the phone booth, and pick them up later? Because I remember where in one of the movies, Superman lands behind a concession stand after battling evil…then walks out from behind it dressed as Clark Kent again – where was the coat and tie hidden? In the newest movie, by contrast, he takes off the coat real quick and flies up an elevator shaft…and you can see the dress shirt falling away down the shaft, behind him as he rockets upward. Did he go back later and retrieve the shirt, and if not, how many shirts does Superman go through in a week? A month? A year?

Does Superman eat, drink, or take a shit like the rest of us? We know he sleeps, because he’s seen sleeping with Lois Lane, in a silver hammock inside the Fortress of Solitude in one of the 80s films. Does Superman age, or is he eternally young?

How come he doesn’t explode in outer space like the rest of us, or suffocate there? Doesn’t he breathe? If not, why does he have a nose?

If Superman can survive flying through the Sun, why didn’t his super suit burn off of him as he passed through the corona, and he come out the other side of the Sun naked? (In a comic where he fought a villain called Black Zero, Superman claimed to have taken such a flight.)

I apologize if I just ruined America’s favorite superhero for the rest of you…but seriously, I’ve wondered this stuff for years.

I won’t even get started on the questions I have about the Incredible Hulk…
- cylarz | 05/12/2011 @ 23:44
John Byrne came up with answers to a lot of this stuff during the reboot shortly after the Donner/Lester/Salkind movies. The most awkward answer out of the bunch was that Superman’s “invulnerability” is actually a field he throws off from his body. Not by much, just a tenth of an inch or so. So he can’t be hurt by conventional means, and neither can anything else within about a tenth of an inch of his skin.

Now, that was a lot for me to absorb. But try to envision where this went, bearing in mind it’s a comic book with visual pictures. When Superman rips a bomb out of a building ten seconds before it explodes, and yanks it way up to the atmosphere so it when it blows, nobody’s around except him — the suit survives with him where the cape is shredded and burned. It made for some super-cool pictures. I remember back in ’92 right before “Death of Superman” they tried to shed some more light on how this worked, as a build-up to the climactic death scene. This master criminal, a female Lex Luthor of sorts, figured out how she could kill Superman. She deprived him of sunlight and then beat him and battered him somehow. His strength was gradually worn away in the course of one night…which makes for some contradictions, I think…but as he got weaker, the remains of his suit did start to get rips and tears in them with further abuse, showing this “field” of invulnerability was wearing down. Obviously they were prepping for what would happen a month later. I forget this villainess’ name.

It ended that the two of them were somehow trapped in a cave or bunker with a hydrogen bomb, and Superman somehow figured out how to defuse the bomb. The implied message was that, in his weakened state, he surely would have succumbed had the bomb gone off.
- mkfreeberg | 05/13/2011 @ 06:31
Hi-Tech. “Superman, at the Hands of Hi-Tech,” Action Comics 682.

I have it down in the garage in one of those big cartons, I think. Looks like it’s appreciated by about a buck.
- mkfreeberg | 05/13/2011 @ 06:42
The superpower that got me was invisibility. There were too many questions I couldn’t figure out an answer to. Did you have to be naked or did your clothes, glasses, shoes, and the crap in your pockets become invisible too? If you sat down and leaned your elbows on the table, did that and the chair become invisible? Did you still cast a shadow?
- vvp39 | 05/15/2011 @ 15:47

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Thursday, May 12th, 2011