House of Eratosthenes

Well folks, it finally happened to me. I used to live inside grocery stores and Wal-Marts and Targets, and a few years ago I got this magical girlfriend who runs out and takes care of our regular retail needs…so these days, I sometimes have trouble remembering how to shop. I get out of practice.

What I’m sure happened to you some time ago, finally happened to me. New socks and underwear and bicycle pump in hand, my purchase completed, I was wondering what my items were doing down there while the cashier waited on the next customer. I was also wondering where the plastic bags were. When I bagged-my-own, I was diplomatically scolded that those reusable items cost money and if I wanted one I should’ve said so.

Sometime in middle age, I suppose we all get this feeling that the world’s gone all wonky on its axis…that if we were to be sealed up in a block of ice for a century, or two, or ten, when we were thawed out we wouldn’t have any tougher of a time re-integrating in what we find there, compared to the troubles we’re having right fucking now. Everything that should be down is up, inside is out, wet is dry…

…the global warming scolds were caught red handed falsifying their science. Nevertheless, I still have to toddle off to my car with a double-armload of bicycle pumps and underwear hoping I don’t drop anything. Assholes.

I’m pleased with the way I handled it. After all, the next customer in line was already being waited-on; ringing up a cloth bag for fifteen cents would have broken my “don’t be a dick” rule. (Yes, I do have one.)

So I shrugged off my embarrassment, smiled as broadly as I could, and said “That’s quite alright — whatever it takes to SAVE THE PLANET.” My sarcasm was dry. Not too obvious; you almost had to be looking for it to see it. Almost. It was a perfect balance if I dare say so myself.

And I intend to keep handling this that way. Point out the craziness by taking it absolutely, positively, one-hundred-and-ten percent seriously. YES! The planet is four billion years old, but it will not see another tomorrow if I use up a single plastic baggie to hold my newly purchased knickers. We have to SAVE the PLANET. Togetherwecandothis!!

I was thinking about your line about the alarmists being caught red-handed, while on my way to Wal-Mart today. My girlfriend actually suggested we go to a different store than originally planned, since our first choice doesn’t offer
plastic bags any more. Forget that crap.

And believe me, I fully plan on using that “red handed” line the next time I’m confronted by someone who insists that MMGW is real.

Carlin’s rant is pretty silly, but I see his point. I never did care for the way he characterized Israel and some of the other things that social conservatives tend to support, but let’s face it…he was a great comedian. Shame he isn’t around any more.
- cylarz | 04/02/2010 @ 23:32
[…] House of Eratosthenes […]
- How many weeks am I when do you start counting? | 04/07/2010 @ 13:03

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It Finally Happend to MeFriday, April 2nd, 2010

It Finally Happend to Me
Friday, April 2nd, 2010