House of Eratosthenes

James Bond Some idjit spammer left some idjit spam on a three-year old post on Rick’s blog, but I’m glad they did because otherwise I never would have found out about something that is really a gem. Perhaps, in 2007, we’re a little bit more ready for this than we were back in ’04 — when we were seriously thinking about electing a double-talking soldier-slanderer to be our next President in the middle of a war.

The material was originally hosted, it would seem, somewhere here. It is no longer to be found. I’m sure Rick is around for the long haul, but I thought it would be good to bring the actual text in anyway…the innernets is nuthin’, if they isn’t all about change…

Right Thinking Girl has a host of tips on being a man in 2004. 10 of them here for your reading pleasure:

* Eat meat. Real men eat meat; you need the protein and iron. It makes your muscles stronger and there’s something very sexxxy and primative about watching a guy eat a steak.

* Work out. A man doing pushups…. nothing sexier. NOTHING.

* We will expect you to defend us if someone breaks into our home. You may have to kill somebody. If you’re not prepared for that, please tell us during the dating phase, before we sleep with you, so we can reject you and find someone else with better instincts.

* Know the directions. I’m not saying you have to stop and ask for directions. Lisa and I both agree it’s very hot when a guy is lost and finds his way all by himself. We love logical brains. Don’t let bitchy women bully you into asking for directions, or into doing anything else you don’t want to do.

* Let us hit your biceps as much as we want. We’re fascinated by them because no matter how much we work out, ours aren’t going to be as big and sexy as yours. It’s comforting to just ball up our fist and gently punch that really tight muscle. It reminds us how big and strong you are.

* Own a gun. Or at least a baseball bat. Or be as big as Vin Diesel. We want to feel safe.

* Do not put up with nagging. From anyone. It’s emasculating and it never accomplishes anything. (Ladies, either learn to live with it or shut up.)

* Valentine’s Day is a great time for flowers and stuff but we know you’re doing it because of peer pressure. Better to bring the flowers on a really bad day to cheer us up, and then doing something else entirely for Valentine’s Day.

* Be nice to other women but don’t flirt. It makes us cranky and you can’t get away with it because you’re pretty much under global surveillance (yes, even you). You do it and we’ll find out and it’ll be a nasty evening. Just be a gentleman.

* Help us with unweildly grocery bags, open the door for us (every single time), and say please and thank you. Manners are important. But be careful not to be her slave. You’re a man, not a servant. You’re supposed to protect us, love us, and care for us, but not be so worshipful that your body no longer produces testosterone.

She also has a ton of tips on being a woman in 2004:

* Do not nag him. He doesn’t need to hear your whiney little voice complaining about something he doesn’t want to change. Just sssshhh!

* Dress like a girl. They like us because we’re girls, not miniature boys. Skirts are so popular in spring and summer for a reason. Not only are they much cooler than pants, it gives boys ideas. They imagine that the easier access means something.

* Don’t fall into the habit of wearing sweats and a t-shirt around the house. It can be cute but if it’s all he sees you in, he’s going to start looking at the Hooters girls a little too carefully.

* Never, ever talk badly about your man. Whatever fight you had, it’s between you two. Don’t tell your girlfriends, your boss, or God forbid, your mother.

* Don’t embarrass him in front of his friends. There’s a social order to everything and if you bitch at him in front of his friends, it emasculates him. Treat him like the prince he is, even if you’re seething with rage.

* Expect him to be kind, generous, loving, gentle and sweet, but don’t expect him to be happy about running your errands every day for a month. In other words, don’t take advantage of men’s naturally generous natures.

* Men don’t like complainers, especially if there is nothing to be done about it. Guys want to help, and if you give him a problem he can’t solve (ie, you have blisters and there’s no bandaids and you refuse to take off your shoes) it makes him feel like a failure.

* PMS is not an excuse to be mean to him. Don’t be short with him or be rude. Nicely tell him you feel bad and you’re much more likely to get what you need.

* Work out. They like our bods for a reason. Give them lots of reasons.

* Seduce him. Often. He’ll feel awesome and that can only be good for both of you.

That stuff’s just golden.

Seriously though — masculinity is a lot like fire. It can be very dangerous, but at the same time, we have life because it was here, and we have a life made enjoyable because it continues to be here. To ban masculinity is just as foolish as banning fire. Actually, if we banned fire, your car wouldn’t start.

This is why you so rarely hear anybody spewing out the actual sequence of words, “I want to ban masculinity.” They don’t have the, pardon my French, balls. It would sound as silly as it really is. But we still have people who want to do exactly that…and by carefully avoiding any discussion of what they really want, they get quite far.

The thing of it is, though — you really can extinguish a fire if you work at it long and hard enough, and the fuel supply is exhausted. Masculinity is an eternal flame. And the dirty little secret is, it’s appealing to everybody when danger is imminent. In the right situation, everybody sounds like Right Thinking Girl. From the funny noise downstairs in the middle of the night, to the darn pickle jar that just won’t open, it turns out that keeping us around isn’t that bad of an idea…even if some of us are too savage and uncouth to ever apologize for being what we are.

RightThinkingGirl is pretty much dead on. Especially on this one:

* Dress like a girl. They like us because we’re girls, not miniature boys. Skirts are so popular in spring and summer for a reason. Not only are they much cooler than pants, it gives boys ideas. They imagine that the easier access means something.
- philmon | 11/30/2007 @ 11:15
I liked this one:

Seduce him. Often. He’ll feel awesome and that can only be good for both of you.

True, dat. The interesting thing (to me, and me…only) is The Second Mrs. Pennington embodied (ahem) all those womanly virtues. Which is why I despair of ever finding another like her. There just ain’t that many out there. YMMV.
- Buck | 11/30/2007 @ 13:30

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How to Be a ManFriday, November 30th, 2007

How to Be a Man
Friday, November 30th, 2007