House of Eratosthenes

He'd Have Questions Nobody ever reads this blog, of course, but if anyone did they might notice a hypothetical resurfacing from time to time involving a “dispassionate but interested space alien,” the things such an alien observes about our domestic and international conflicts, and the questions such a space alien would have about the things we say and do. Of course, being dispassionate, the space alien wouldn’t ask questions the way we ask our questions amongst ourselves; to slander one side or another, would be outside of his goals. He’d be dispassionate. But interested. Wanting to learn more.

And puzzled. In the situations in which I pose his visits and ensuing inquiries as a hypothetical, he’d be very, very puzzled.

The way we support our troops, for example…versus the way we support our football, baseball and other sports teams. Very curious. The things we do here, to us, make perfect sense. Because we’re not space aliens. We have become aclimated to our own behavior, over time, kind of the way the proverbial frog is aclimated to the water getting warmer. Being assaulted on all our senses at once with our ritual support of troops, and sports teams, like the dispassionate but interested space alien, we’d never be able to puzzle out what, to those of us born and bred amongst these rituals, makes perfect sense.

Allegations have surfaced in connection with soldiers, and I know not which branch they were supposed to have served, who are supposed to have raped and killed a woman and murdered several members of her family (link requires participation in a survey). I heard this last night on the radio, and happen to have picked up the snippet that these “allegations” are second- and third-hand. Mmmkay, no confounding problems for the space alien just yet. Allegations were made against the Duke LaCrosse team, worthy of being checked out at the onset, eventually found to be full of holes and dismissed. In both cases, the accused are supposed to be innocent until proven guilty…and this process works a little differently, since one is decided in a military setting and one is not.

The dispassionate space alien starts to be confused with the nature of the accusations. Who is supposed to have done something? The unarmed Iraqis are supposed to have been killed by, and the woman raped by, “soldiers.” Not army soldiers, or sailors, or marines, but “soldiers.” How come it is, wonders the space alien, that the other case is the “Duke Lacrosse” case? How come they aren’t simply “Lacrosse” players? Why aren’t they “a college sports team”?

People are proud of supporting our troops. They drive around with bumper stickers that say so. People are proud of supporting our sports teams, too. They drive around with bumper stickers that say…they support the Seattle Seahawks. Or the San Francisco 49ers. Or the Sacramento Kings. Nobody, it seems, has a bumper sticker that says “I support our brave sports people.” Support is extended to teams.

Now I’m sure on this point the space alien would be able to answer his own question…to have a bumper sticker that says “I support the brave United States Marines” might be thought, by some, as expressing a sentiment to the effect that if casualties are taken you hope it’s the Army and the Air Force that take them. And of course, that just wouldn’t be cricket. Death plays a part in things military, and it’s not supposed to play a part in things sports-related, so that explains the difference. And yet, there is this universality involved in arguing with people to defend one sports team over another. My team is great. That other team is full of jerks.

Some people are willing to engage in arguments to support the troops. The space alien would probably like to know…why does it seem to be far, far fewer of us who “fight,” in the arena of ideas, for the troops? Maybe just half of us. Maybe fewer than that.

The space alien hears an awful lot of discussion about whether the troops are fighting for our freedoms. Many among us say the troops are not, even many among we who say we support them. The alien would have to ask…why is this worthy of debate? It seems a given that a football team plays a game, wins the game, loses the game…our lives are not affected even a tiny bit. And yet this, somehow, isn’t worth pointing out. Is it not pointed out because it isn’t open to question?

To support one team or another, is to hope that that team, in the upcoming game and in all games thereafter, wins. The team scores a touch-down, or a home-run, or a basket, and if you support that team this is worth talking about. It’s worth talking about if the team would have scored the victory and was “ripped off by a bad call.” Over and over and over again…and yet, when our troops take out Al Qaeda’s leader in Iraq, conduct over 400 raids based on evidence they found in that leader’s stronghold, and find 500 of the much-debated Weapons of Mass Destruction…it seems about half of us will take great pains not to talk about it. By that I mean, about half among those of us who “support the troops.”

Martian The dispassionate but interested space alien, would not have to live among us for very long at all, before he’d pick up what we all know but very few people say out loud: Those of us who have not served in the military, respect those of us who do, and have. We think we’d be better people today, if we had served. Would we be better people if we had played on a sports team? It does not appear so. Many of the “fans” seem to think themselves capable, without a hint of jocularity or irony to be detected anywhere, of filling in for any one of the actual participants. Especially the coach!

Most curious of all, however, is the way we worry about how we are represented to the world-at-large, by the conduct of our military. The way we worry about how the military trashes the place, wherever it may go. Our concerns about the military and paramilitary cultures, and how those cultures are perceived. The way we worry about how our country as a whole, is perceived as being boisterous and lacking humility. Our misgivings about how we are seen because of our military. The alien would have to think, gee, I’m not even a member of the world-at-large. I’m from another planet entirely. And I have misgivings about the conduct of football fans. I think they’re boisterous. I think they lack humility. When they think it’s time to make some noise, they hold nothing back, indeed, they actually seem offended at the very idea someone else wouldn’t want to make the same noise.

Nobody seems to be worried about that; not one iota.

We designate the last Monday of each May, and the eleventh day of each November, to think about our veterans. If your family is feeling especially considerate, you might take a few minutes on those days to actually do something. But our athletes get our attention all year long, hours at a time, no expense spared. We sit and watch and watch and watch, until our butts get sore, and during a commercial we take a quick piss, grab another beer, and watch some more.

Being dispassionate, by the very definition of the word the space alien would have to pronounce it a worthy debate as to whether our troops are fighting and dying to make life better for the rest of us, or to make the world a better place. He would pronounce it a legitimate exercise to say they are, and an equally legitimate viewpoint that they are not. But he would notice, no doubt, the abundance of soldiers signing up for their service with the intent of doing these things. And he would not be able to pronounce it a worthy debate whether the same holds true of our athletes; this is entertainment, pure and simple, nothing more. I will not delve far into the question he’d have about why the athletes make so much more money. But he’d be even more curious, or almost as much, as to why there is controversy about supporting the troops — something we’re all supposed to be doing. “Controversy” is supposed to mean disagreement. If we all support the troops, why is there controversy in saying so?

We don’t “all” support the Sacramento Kings. But nobody is ever concerned about offending LA Lakers fans, with the display of a Kings calendar on the wall of a cubicle at work.

Some people say they are the “real patriots,” that their love of our country is the reason they want it to be held to such a high standard. This is why they want every single allegation of shenanigans at the hands of these troops, every second-hand allegation, every third-hand allegation, every urban legend — of misconduct by these troops “everybody” supports — checked out with a fine-tooth comb. Should those shenanigans be verified, these “real patriots” will talk about the shenanigans over and over and over again. Contrasted with that, when the troops achieve something indisputably noble and meritorious, it’s necessary to discuss the achievement in hushed tones, or not at all.

Mork Nobody ever says “I love football” — and this is why we need to discuss the achievements of those football players in hushed tones, or not at all. And that allegations of wrongdoing should be vigorously investigated and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, for as long as it takes.

In fact, among those of us who say we “support the troops” — which, of course, we all do, we say so — half of us seem to treat the troops exactly the way the fan of a given football team, treats the opposing team. With one exception: The football fan is proud of failing to support that other team. He isn’t going to bristle peevishly at the notion someone might be questioning his loyalty to both teams.

The dispassionate space alien wouldn’t understand these things. These things make sense only to people who are not alien, who have become acliminated as these things slowly grew out of nothing. People who are passionate. To the space alien, in fact to everyone else stopping to think about such things, these things are bollywonkers.

[…] We did it here, and we did it again here. And a few other places too. […]
- House of Eratosthenes | 07/04/2007 @ 14:17

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He’d Have QuestionsSaturday, July 1st, 2006

He’d Have Questions
Saturday, July 1st, 2006