House of Eratosthenes

Credit to Natus Lumen. I’d offer a hat tip, but I am bound by the oath of the secret society to which I belong, in which setting I may or may not have learned about this.

Guide to being a man
Natus Lumen

Herein is a guide to being the epitome of all that is man, written by the truest form of all men: me. Everything I say in this guide is correct. If you disagree with me, you are very wrong.

If you are a woman, or any semblance, variant, or almost a woman, I command you leave now. This brings me to my first point. All sentences stated by a man should end with a period, and should sound like a command. The occasional Demand is acceptable, but only used as a means to say, “I’m in a good mood, so you only have to do this if you don’t want me to rip off your fingers.” Question marks are completely unacceptable, and are used only by the faint of heart and small of genitalia. These should never even be hinted by a man. Exclamations are nearly as bad. The exclamation point implies that you are surprised by something. A man is NEVER surprised. A real man sees all that is coming, but all that is coming does not see man. Therefore, a man should only cause the exclamation point to come squealing and thrashing from the shocked mouths of others. A man is allowed to yell, as a matter of fact, a man is encouraged to yell, but it should be a booming, roaring, inarticulate noise used only as a means to shock others. This is never followed by an exclamation point but should always be put in boldface font.

Secondly, you would do well on your way to becoming almost as manly as myself by noticing everything as soon as you see it. For instance, if you were half the man as me, you would have already noticed that I am clearly “Working,” as declared by the mood-indicator. Idleness is for ninny-boys. A man is ALWAYS working. It does not matter on what a man is working, but using power-tools will earn you steel-chain and nail points (as men do not eat brownies).

A man should never smell like anything. If, and ONLY IF, a man is intolerably-smelling, he may use a small amount of musk. Whether you are intolerably-smelling or not is determined by the American coin nearest you (yes, it must be American; other coins are sissies). If you put the coin under your arm and Abe’s/George’s/Franklin’s face changes to signal that he is sensing something highly unpleasant in the air around his face, then the odor coming off your body is deemed “intolerable”. Another important tip: NEVER use musk if it is spelled “musque.” This is completely intolerable, and is punishable by a life sentence to the prison that is complete humiliation and ostracism from the world of men. When combined together, the letters “Q”, “U”, and “E” are extremely effeminate. The letter “K” is very manly, as it gets the job done by its own damn self, and doesn’t need the assistance of two other letters to get its point across. It was also invented by the Vikings, a people among the manliest of all human races (but not THE manliest, as they evolved into Europeans). Even their women were more manly than most of today’s men. Also, brushing your teeth is very, very discouraged by all that is man unless you replace the word “brushing” with “shooting” and “teeth” with “those who are not manly enough to shoot others who are not manly.”

Never, ever cry. Ever. Tears have no place on the face of a true man, as they clot the rugged stubble that crowds the lower part of a true man’s face. The closest a man may come to crying is a rough, loud, throaty cough. Nor should you allow others to cry around you. Crying should make you want to punch he/she who is crying. This is acceptable, but avoidable. Violence is always the answer, but most of the time the man should never answer anything.

In order to look like a man, you will wear nothing except the skin of an animal you killed with your bare hands. You must have found this animal in a jungle, the deepest part of a large ocean, or a tropical savanna. The skin of another man is acceptable for this task, as irony is nothing short of awesome and highly masculine. A desert is also acceptable, but only if there is a jungle in the middle of this desert, and a 200-pound animal capable of 70 mph (note: not kmph. The letter K is very manly, but not when used in a European context. Miles are superior to kilometers, as a mile is bigger, and therefore better) in this desert/jungle. If you cannot kill an animal of this sort, you will wear plaid, and it will be covered in sweat-stains.

What else am I forgetting. That was not a question, by the way.

Oh. I know. How to live. You will live by one credo. That is a comMANd. The credo is thus: A man is NEVER wrong. If you disagree with this, you are wrong. This ideal trumps anything you have read thus far, and everything else in your life. Do not question this. Being right is the all-important rule of being a true man. You may occasionally state, “I don’t know,” to avoid being wrong. This should be avoided when possible and should, when necessary, be replaced by only a rugged grunt. Again, a man is never, ever, ever wrong. A man is allowed to change what is considered “right” and “wrong” because the only people who are allowed to judge anyone are those who are completely and interminably righteous, and a man has every right in the world to attempt to make his way on to this list. For a definitive list of those who are interminably righteous, contact me.

Follow the steps contained in this guide and you will one day become a rugged, face-rocking, ass-kicking, cock-punching, violent, awesome, possibly interminably righteous man, as I am. Being a man is not something that is easy, and nor is this guide all-inclusive. Discovery is the key to being a man, and so must you discover all the secrets for your own damn self. You may pass this advice to others, but only if you are manly enough to honorably mention the original creator of all those deserving of the privilege of the capability to grow a beard: me.

Run-on sentences are also VERY masculine. Nobody tells a true man when to shut up.

My own thoughts:

Agree about the question marks and exclamation marks, although I would modify this to say such devices ought to be used sparingly. In the verbal forum, Mr. Lumen is correct. A real man is like John Wayne. Oh, great horny toads, how that previous sentence is going to tick off the liberals; to which I would respond with a single word followed by a question mark: Why? What’s wrong with John Wayne? If the building was on fire, John Wayne didn’t yell that the building was on fire, he ordered everybody out. He very seldom asked questions. If the Indians were attacking the Alamo and he needed someone to throw him a rifle, he didn’t yell for a rifle, he calmly ordered someone to throw him a rifle. The only time I saw John Wayne yell in one of his movies, ever, was when he was negotiating with bad guys from a mile away, across a meadow. Negotiations brought to a halt, as in “Fill yer hand, you sonofabitch,” meant it was time for action. That’s the essence of manliness right there. Calmly handling a crisis.

“A man is ALWAYS working.” I don’t think we should go here. Our sisters have already tried this with the “woman’s work is never done” thing and it hasn’t worked out very well. It turns out women are human; they get sick and tired of working, and like to veg out on the couch. Men are the same way. When I’m showing off my manliness, chowing down on a steak I just seared to perfection on the grill and chogging down a cold brew, I don’t want someone waltzing out on the balcony and demanding, “I thought a man was always working?” Don’t need that kind of grief, Mr. Lumen. You said a man can see things coming.

On whether musk can cover up what may offend in a man’s bouquet, a man is going to leave it up to the ladies to make that determination. I defer to them here. I dunno if they’re going to go for just covering up with something out of a little bottle when a shower is needed.

“NEVER use musk if it is spelled ‘musque’…When combined together, the letters ‘Q’, ‘U’, and ‘E’ are extremely effeminate.” Yup, gonna have to go ahead and agree with you there, Tex. Can’t scare any wild varmints by threatening to hit ’em with a stique.

“The letter “K” is very manly.” Morgan K. Freeberg nods in approval.

“Also, brushing your teeth is very, very discouraged by all that is man…” I suspect we belong to different camps on this. The low nadir of surrendered manliness, to me, is leaving it up to your mommy to take charge of your personal hygiene. If you need to floss, floss. If you need better pitspray, use a different brand of pitspray. You figure it out for yourself, don’t leave it up to your sweetie when you’re about to do the mattress dance “uh, you should probably start brushing your teeth right before bed.” Observe. Infer. Discern. Take initiative. Make a plan and follow through. That’s manliness.

“Never, ever cry. Ever. Tears have no place on the face of a true man…” Yup. Women who say they are longing for a man who “isn’t afraid to show his feelings,” are liars. The truth of it is that crying men creeps ’em out. The crying man is like the nerd who stays after class to help clean erasers, or the American politician whose paramount goal is to apologize for things way in the past. People say they have unmitigated adoration for these things, and they don’t mean it. Really, it’s a logical impossibility because it professes unambiguous sentiments about a thing that is, by design, ambiguous. It’s simply a law of nature: People don’t show unbridled acceptance for objects that apologize for their very existences.

“In order to look like a man, you will wear nothing except the skin of an animal you killed with your bare hands.” Huhwha? C’mon…

“A man is NEVER wrong. If you disagree with this, you are wrong.” Yeah, well, I don’t go that far…but I would say if you’re running around looking for reasons to say you’re wrong about things, you are not a man and furthermore, you are a danger to anyone who would trust in your judgment about anything. Like they said in that cool war movie whose name escapes me right now: A man who thinks he’s going to die on the battlefield that day, will probably find a way to make it happen. A man who tries to find a way to be wrong so he can show off how willing he is to admit it, will probably find a way to be wrong. As for who is wrong, let the truth be your guide. Compromise isn’t always right just because it’s compromise. Like I was telling Kidzmom the other week, if one guy says humans breathe air and another guy says humans breathe water, you do NOT stick your face in the toilet fifty percent of the time. Truth is not loyal to people; the opportunity only exists for people to be loyal to truth.

“You may occasionally state, ‘I don’t know,’ to avoid being wrong. This should be avoided when possible and should, when necessary, be replaced by only a rugged grunt.” Yeah…well, in my manly life I’ve found day-to-day living is like algebra. This analogy defines exactly how I see manly thinking. You have to get all the unknowns on one side of the equal sign, and if you can’t get that first step done the rest of the solution process is hopeless. When it comes to trusting people, a man definitely admits what he does not know, to himself if to nobody else.

BUT — and this is key — each side of that equal-sign is as important as the other. So a man knows what he knows. That’s why liberals hate capital punishment so much. It isn’t that it kills someone…look at how they view vicious, murdering tyrannical dictators all over the globe, their positions on abortion, etc….they couldn’t care less about killing someone. It’s that making a decision and being sure about it. It offends the hell out of ’em. It allows their ideological opponents to make inroads on that “keep kids from getting hurt” issue. It gets the everyday middle-of-the-road soccer mom to thinking…hey, waitaminnit…if I let liberals run everything, my precious babums will be able to play on boring ugly playgrounds without skinning his knees or bruising his precious little head, so he can be abducted from said playground by some scumbag who is supposed to have been “rehabilitated.” We have to fry those creeps or else putting non-carcinogenic naturally disinfected fake rubber padding on the plastic slide is going to be futile.

And once the soccer moms realize that, the she-men lose votes. Because deep down we’re already programmed to understand this: REAL PROTECTION of precious things comes from REAL MEN.

“Being a man is not something that is easy, and nor is this guide all-inclusive. Discovery is the key to being a man, and so must you discover all the secrets for your own damn self.”

Okay then, here are my additions:

1. Don’t leave the house without what you need.
2. Take charge of the excursion, so you know what you need. Real men do not follow steps that come from others.
3. Own at least one folding pocket knife. Preferably more, but at least one.
4. Own a sharpening stone and a bottle of oil.
5. Drive a stick shift.
6. Know how to ride a motorcycle. Not a scooter. A real motorcycle.
7. Failing to produce results, but following all the rules, is a failure. Breaking a stupid rule to produce the desired results, is a success. If you forgot the key, go ahead and scale the damn fence.
8. Show some good judgment in figuring out which rules to break. You’re responsible for this as well.
9. Also, if you scale a fence and it hurts a lot more than when you were a kid, start working out.
10. When you move, do it by renting a truck. No “moving crew.” Manage all the tie-downs yourself.
11. Tie a bowline.
12. Tie a taut-line hitch.
13. Tie a clove hitch.
14. Tie a necktie, so it looks good.
15. Own at least one suit; two would be better.
16. Own a pair of leather work gloves. Really nice, form-fitting ones.
17. Own at least one pair of really-big-ugly work gloves, for moving all that stuff by truck.
18. Own at least one pair of fingerless gloves.
19. Own more work gloves than you have shoes.
20. Own, and know how to use, a rechargeable drill/screwdriver.
21. Own, and know how to use, a ratchet/socket set with at least 200 pieces. Take things apart. Put them back together again. Put them together so they actually work, and there are no “spare parts” left over.
22. Do something across a distance, as the Good Lord intended. That’s why males find this entertaining when the fair women-folk do not. Take up archery. Or target shooting. Or spit on a leaf floating in the river from a very high bridge. Even better, pee on it. Buy a remote control toy. One way or another, have an effect on something that is beyond arms’ reach. It is your desssssssssstiny.
23. Eat salmon. A man’s love of doing things by remote-control, and a man’s love of the smell of grilling salmon — these two things are the evolutionist’s nightmares. Women do not share these things, quite so much. This is proof that God exists, and He expects men to do certain things.
24. Also, do the opposite of the remote control thing: Catch things. If you suck at it, start practicing.
25. Do things, with things, to find out what’ll happen, when you don’t know for sure. C’mon, you’ve always wanted to know about that Menthos/Diet Coke thing. You know you have.
26. Know how to convert metric to English, and then avoid like the dickens having to do it.
27. Study history, both U.S. and European, then don’t talk about it.
28. Know how to play a stringed instrument, then don’t do it.
29. Make your heart pump faster. Bicycling, running, rock climbing — pick one. Then do it.
30. And the most important thing about being a man, by far: Admire the talents of your enemies. Like Patton did with Rommel. That, right there, is manliness.

Cross-posted at Cassy.

The bit of Natus’s text I read made me want to shout

“THIS IS SPAAAARTAAAAA!”
- Tom The Impaler | 08/03/2008 @ 15:49
“16. Own a pair of leather work gloves. Really nice, form-fitting ones.
17. Own at least one pair of really-big-ugly work gloves, for moving all that stuff by truck.
18. Own at least one pair of fingerless gloves.”

You know, if you had a pair of gloves made from the skin of a man you had killed — as I have — you’d find you wouldn’t need all those pansy gloves.
- vanderleun | 08/03/2008 @ 16:05
“Know how to convert metric to English, and then avoid like the dickens having to do it.”

This is just gay, and not because of the word “dickens.”

Instead know how to convert those who know metric to speaking English and, if they can’t, slay them.
- vanderleun | 08/03/2008 @ 16:07
“And the most important thing about being a man, by far: Admire the talents of your enemies. Like Patton did with Rommel. That, right there, is manliness.
Cross-posted at Cassy.”

31. Don’t post for girls, even well-endowed ones with their heads on straight.
- vanderleun | 08/03/2008 @ 16:08
Butkus.
- mkfreeberg | 08/03/2008 @ 16:51
Well, maybe… but only if they own a gun.
- vanderleun | 08/03/2008 @ 19:37
Real men don’t give a flying-frick what other men think of them. Period. Full-stop. And real men don’t make lists, either… They just go on about their bid’niz. I stopped reading lists of what “real men” do (or don’t do) immediately after that frickin’ “Quiche” book came out back in the ’70s. But I did read most of this post, though. 😉
- Buck | 08/04/2008 @ 14:58
Real men don’t give a flying-frick what other men think of them.

Clarification: in a personal, not professional, way. And even in a professional way, sometimes… as in “I don’t care WHAT you think. Just DO it.”
- Buck | 08/04/2008 @ 15:01
Real men don’t give a flying-frick what other men think of them…real men don’t make lists, either…They just go on about their bid’niz.

Buck, Buck, Buck. Why would a real man need to read a list of what makes a real man a real man, if he’s already a real man? The medicine, being in a list, occupies a vessel within access of those who need it.

Matthew^9:11-13, m’friend. Point made long before I made it, and better.
- mkfreeberg | 08/04/2008 @ 19:36

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Guide to Being a ManSunday, August 3rd, 2008

Guide to Being a Man
Sunday, August 3rd, 2008