House of Eratosthenes

There are a lot of us running around who could ponder this question all day long, and come up with no more than one answer, maybe two. Many more among us could make a longer list: change the subject, use the Icy Look of Doom, capitulate, compromise, blackmail, threaten, come up with an idea that makes the disagreement irrelevant, come up with an idea that gives both parties what they want, find common ground — but in real life, fail to put this beneficial assortment of options into practice.

You learn by doing. Some people simply don’t do. Our society discourages this; for all the arguing about politics we do, a lot of the time people simply don’t disagree with each other. We’ve erected a taboo on that, and enforce it harshly, especially toward women. After all the CALWWNTY that’s been going on (follow link for an explanation of the acronym), the modern woman finds herself empowered like never before to form her own opinions about things — but just as encumbered from constructively arguing with anyone, as she ever was before. Bear in mind, that being a loathesome, screeching bitch isn’t the same as constructively arguing.

So we have this ignorance about how to resolve a dispute, widespread in modern times, but encumbering to women especially. Women aren’t expected to disagree…except when they are, for the sake of manifesting their supposed independence, and if that’s the goal, then what? You’ve got to keep on manifesting, which means compromise is out of the question. So until the fairer sex has multiple children, or teaches kindergarten, the fine art of dispute resolution eludes them.

That’s my explanation for the results of this survey, in which 34 percent of dog-owning women are found to wish their mate was more like their dog. Desirable canine attributes cited included the “perennial good mood,” which seems understandable. A significant other who is in a good mood, usually means a good day. Who doesn’t want to have that every day? And yet…there was that movie that came out last year about what a great ol’ time the men had when the wives were put in that “perennial good mood.” The message of the movie seemed to be that this isn’t such a swell idea, so someone somewhere must be hip to the point I’m trying to make. People are people. If you want a good mood all the time, maybe a dog is the right idea.

There are some passages in this story that cross the line into cringe-worthy territory…

Other key qualities, says New York psychologist Joel Gavriele-Gold, are that “dogs don’t talk back and you don’t have to worry about their emotions.”

“In fact, you dont have to worry about what they are thinking either…This has not always been the case in many of my human…relationships. Something gets lost when the significant other is capable of speech.”

Step right up, studs! Get paired up with a desirable bachelorette who doesn’t care about your emotions, and doesn’t want to start caring.

This is highly amusing. You unattached guys out there, next time you get a serious relationship going just try this, and see how long things last. Be a dog. Never tell her what your thoughts really are about anything, don’t have any preferences, any objections, any opinions at all. Smile a lot — all the time, to the point where if anyone asks her what you think about anything, she won’t know. For bonus points, pee on anything that doesn’t move, and screw anything that does. Never, ever, ever make a dime doing anything.

Any experienced man knows these are qualities that women genuinely despise. Playful, cheerful, ready to go for a run? Pffffft. What the hell good is that, if the lady doesn’t know what you like and what you don’t?

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Doggie LoveMonday, February 13th, 2006

Doggie Love
Monday, February 13th, 2006