House of Eratosthenes

I was just noticing there are an awful lot of letters to editors of this-newspaper or that-newspaper about George Bush and his wretched oil buddies skimming off the top and gouging customers, and some of these letters are even sophisticated enough to make some commentary about supply-and-demand. This shows that as of the tenth grade in high school, they were still paying attention. It also shows they understand when we all gulp away at the gas pump, burning more gas than we need to, without resolving the supply issues, we just make it worse.

But nobody ever seems to be bragging about how many miles-a-gallon they get. Nobody’s bragging about having a four-banger, or a three-banger. Like they did last time we had a gas crisis, thirty years ago.

I thought this was odd. But I have a rule around here: When you leave things undefined, you leave room for someone else (me) to fill in the details.

So I thought it would be a fun exercise to pair these folks up with what I thought they might be driving. Why not? I can’t prove it’s them, but I can’t prove it isn’t them. Let’s go.

Charles writes to the Kansas City Star: “Pursuant to a recent comment comparing the price of gas to buying soda pop: What is the writer thinking? There is absolutely no comparison.

“When I purchase $6 worth of pop, it will last me approximately two months. However, when I purchase $6 worth of gas at the same price, it will last me about two hours. On the other hand, comparing gourmet coffee to the price of gas is very similar. Depending on whether or not you are a coffee freak, you could still purchase enough gourmet coffee to last up to a year when comparing that to the price of gasoline.

“My credit card bill for the purchase of gasoline runs approximately $400 per month. I cannot even imagine spending that amount of money on pop or gourmet coffee!

“There is no mention of the millions of people who have to drive back and forth to work, much less us elderly people who have to have gasoline to go back and forth to doctors, hospitals, etc.”

Gary writes into the Kitsap Sun: “While oil companies are bringing in record profits, as a way to help us with high gas prices, the Republicans in Congress want to give everyone $100 and open ANWR for drilling. Why is the GOP�s answer to everything tax cuts and trashing the environment? Why don�t they actually deal with the problem instead of shifting the burden to future generations?

“One of the government�s primary functions is to maintain fair competition in the marketplace. After years of conglomeration, there are only five oil companies left controlling the market, and there is little to no competition. It�s time for the government to do its job and break up these oil companies in order to maintain healthy competition in the marketplace, which will result in lower prices. It�s been done before; In 1911, under the populist Republican President Theodore Roosevelt, the U.S. government broke up the Standard Oil company, which at the time controlled 64 percent of the market, into 34 smaller companies.

“But will this happen? Not while the oil companies are stuffing the pockets of politicians, and not as long as we have an oil man in the White house. And people wonder why gas prices are so high …”

Phillip’s wife poses proudly, at left, with their new Explorer. He writes to the Times-Herald Record Online: “In the June 14 edition of the Times Herald Record, there is an article on why gas prices are higher in Orange County than Ulster and Sullivan. In the article, Robert Sinclair Jr. of AAA New York says, ‘Stations in busier areas, on highways or at major intersections, tend to have higher prices. Where demand goes up, the price goes up.’

“Isn’t that admitting that the oil companies are charging the gas stations a higher price just because a lot of people shop there? So he is saying that if there is more money to be made, they will jack up the price? Is this not the definition of price-gouging? Does Sinclair believe the general public is so unintelligent that we will accept this?

“It also states that corn is used to make ethanol and the government requires its use in Orange County because of high amounts of emissions. They say bigger population makes for more pollution, so we need ethanol, but not in smaller populations. All emissions are pollution. It boils down to they will do and say whatever they need to, so they can justify their greed.

“If all this was true about the prices going up, then how did ExxonMobil have a surplus of billions and give a severance package of millions to their retiring CEO? Everyone needs to let it be known we aren’t going to drive all over looking for lower prices and we will not tolerate this insult to our intelligence. How much is enough? We need to stand up and do something instead of “grin and bear it” as Sinclair says we should.”

Derek, who recently became the next owner of the 1985 Chevy Suburban you see to the right, writes into the Daily Press of Ashland WI with a great question that I’m sure nobody’s thought of before: “What about the oil reserves?

“Has anyone noticed that George Bush and his clan of right-wing conservatives have been obsessed for years with drilling for oil in Alaska? Well, their proposal has many flaws.

“First off, drilling in Alaska wouldn’t give any immediate relief to the already high gas prices. It would take 10 to 15 years before we would see any benefits from it. By then God knows what the price of gas will be. We need a drop in the prices now, not a decade from now. I don’t think Bush knows what it’s like to pay $3 a gallon for gas. If he did, he wouldn’t come up with these plans that wouldn’t help anybody in the near future.

“Secondly, over 1 million acres of wildlife refuge could be destroyed. What would happen to the poor animals and the environment they live in? They would lose their habitat and probably lose the will to survive. Not to mention that there are species of animals, such as polar bears and seals, that couldn’t live anywhere else. Does Bush care about all that? No, I’m guessing he’s drooling at the thought that he found another way to line the oil man’s pocket.

“Third and lastly, there are other options! They can put pressure on OPEC to lower the price or they can flood the market with reserves. He probably doesn’t want to upset his oil buddies, who back Republicans in elections, by producing a plan to lower the prices. Life, as the Alaskan animals know it, is at stake.”

Donald makes a brilliant point to the News-Record of Greensboro, NC. His souped-up monster truck is shown at left. “The following was taken from Market Watch Newsletter: “Exxon Mobil Corp. (XOM) reported a 32 percent increase in net income to $7.64 billion, compared with $5.79 billion a year ago.” That’s $7.64 billion profit for three months.

“Why does the government allow oil companies to continue to rob us at the gas pump? Could it be that Bush wants to keep all his oil company buddies happy? Just joking.

“All companies are entitled to make a profit, but this is outrageous with gas at over $2.25 per gallon. No company should be able to make that much profit on a product that we all need. Maybe that’s the point � we all need it, so they can charge what they want to. Maybe we could get New York’s attorney general to look into this one.”

Herbert, who just realized his life-long dream of purchasing two Hummers so he could park them side by side (right), pointed out to the Kansas City Star that there’s no way anyone can make a profit in the billions without gouging customers. “I read with interest the article concerning the interviews (11/10, Business) with the heads of the different oil companies. But now that they say they didn�t gouge the public, everything has suddenly gotten quiet on the subject. How stupid do they think the public is?

“In my view, there is no way a company can declare an $8 billion profit and not have gouged the customers. After all, profit means monies retained after all expenses have been deducted from gross income. And the congressmen conducting the interview just accepted their answers. There must be some truth in the notion that we have the best politicians money can buy. If we are so short on fuel and in danger of running out, why do we export so much oil?”

Bruce, just in from bringing home the brand-new diesel fun-buggy you see at left, writes in to the Berkeley Daily Planet to let them know the oil companies are ripping us off: “The oil companies are ripping us off, big time. Each quarter, their profits are record profits; meaning that each quarter, their profits are more than ever before. They blame high gas prices on the price of crude oil, but their obscenely high profits show this to be a lie. It is simple greed.

“We need energy independence. That means more investment in solar, wind, and other renewable sources of energy. I don�t trust the oil companies to make those investments, and neither should you.

“We need a retroactive Obscene Profits Tax on the oil companies to redirect funds toward energy independence. It is time for Congress to show some political courage.”

Now, I don’t have any logical reason to believe the educated guesses I’ve made about the chariots of these windbags, are correct guesses. For all I know, they’re driving renovated three-cylinder K-cars from the eighties, or hybrids, or solar-powered converted lawnmowers.

Why aren’t they saying so? I’m forty years old this weekend. That means I can remember the last time we went through this. And that’s what people were doing. People bellyached about gas prices, obscene oil company profits, blah blah blah, and you either thought Jimmy Carter was screwing everything up or he was “handed a raw deal by the Ay-Rabs,” or both. But before you commenced with the complaining, there was this culturally-required preamble. “My family and I are doing all we can, we just traded in the (blank) on a (blank).” And maybe there was something about “We have to have the truck because my husband needs it for his work.” Except if that applied, the truck was mostly aluminum, it never had more than four cylinders, and a good strong man could push down on the hood and get it rocking good enough to tip over.

Last time we had a gas crisis, that’s what a “truck” was. Now look at the freeway. Just look at it. What you see roaming the asphalt, doesn’t look too different from the pictures I’ve included above, right?

A tiny car, as I was just getting old enough for the learner’s permit, was a status symbol. This newer situation is all bollywonkers. People are complaining about gas prices and “obscene profits,” and everything I’m seeing out there on the roads, is big enough to squish me without even knowing I’m there.

I get 37 miles a gallon. What are these whiners getting?

Damn, Morgan, that was GOOD! I don’t think I’ve ever seen a better takedown of hypocrisy, ever.
- Buck Pennington | 07/12/2006 @ 10:37
Thanks, Buck. Always nice to see you come by for a visit.

Hey, I just found out there’s no way to get ahold of you via e-mail. You suppose you can send something to me in private to help fix that?
- mkfreeberg | 07/12/2006 @ 11:14

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Chariots Of The Bush-BashersTuesday, July 11th, 2006

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Tuesday, July 11th, 2006