House of Eratosthenes

Apologies to Michael Savage, I’m going to rip off something he said that I thought was funny as hell when he said it. He really did appear to be completely freakin’ oblivious to what a great line he thought up off the top of his head, though. The line for which I’m going to give him credit was being applied to, I think, Tereeeeza Heinz Kerry. Anyway, I know exactly where I want to direct this. Stand by. Ready? Here goes.

Jennifer Wilbanks, a.k.a. the “Runaway Bride,” may have engaged in some poor judgment and she probably did inconvenience people, and while we all agree she has some mental problems to sort out, if you just take the time to probe beneath the confusing, unstable, and downright nutty exterior…hard as it may be to believe, underneath, you’re going to find an evil horrible witch.

There, I think that just about sums it up.

Jennifer Wilbanks has been sentenced to 120 hours of community service, and has already fulfilled 16 hours of it by mowing lawns around government buildings. This is good news. Walk out on a huge wedding and lie to the cops…spend three weeks cutting grass. We should really be thankful that lying can have an actual consequences such as this nowadays. In fact, ten years from now if it works some other way, we shouldn’t be surprised. I see a future where it just doesn’t matter worth a damn. In the future, it will be protected by the First Amendment, after all, isn’t false speech, speech? We have thousands of lawyers ready to file an Amicus Curiae to exactly that effect. But that’s down the road. This is now.

Let us not forget, the lies Jennifer Wilbanks told were not harmless lies. They hurt people, and they had the potential — still have the potential today — to cause much worse harm. If you’re a cop, how do you later-on conduct an energetic, diligent search for the next missing woman with Wilbanks’ little stunt in your rear view mirror?

Word has reached me that there are a lot of people questioning why this story is still being followed. Apparently, it’s in their way when they’re looking for something else. Ahh…hear ya go.

You people suck. You hear me? Your attitude is kind of like watching a fully-restored vintage Ford Model A tootling along in the right lane beside you, and muttering “those damn things are in the way everyplace I look.”

Get a sense of perspective. This is a story about malicious lies being uncovered, and the people who tell them having to bear the consequences. I really hate to sound like an old fart here…knocking on the door of actually becoming one, and all…but it needs to be said. You don’t see that everyday now. Odds are better-than-average, the day’s going to come when it’ll be a “remember when” thing. Can’t make those liars feel bad by insinuating they have any less virtue than people who chronically tell the truth, I mean hey, it’s just a lifestyle choice right?

But I understand some of you might still wish the story went away, and/or, have sympathy for the rich bitch who still has to mow lawns for another 104 hours. Okay then. Before putting the story down to get back to your American Idol whatever-it-is, you might want to click this link to refresh your memory about what kind of lies Jennifer told. The real damage starts being done toward the bottom of page 2:

While jogging, she was grabbed by two individuals, a “Hispanic male” and a “White female,” in a van and thrown in the back of it. Her hands were then tied with rope. The individuals placed her on the right side on the floor of the van and made her face the back door. The male then began driving while the female stayed in the back of the van with Jennifer. After approximately thirty minutes, the male pulled the van off to the side of the road and shut the vehicle off. The female took off her pants and underwear but left her shirt on. The female then pulled down Jennifer’s pants and underwear, performed oral sex on her, and digitally penetrated her vagina. The female then moved over Jennifer’s head and told her to perform oral sex on her. At the same time, the male had gone to the back of the van. He then removed his pants and placed his penis into Jennifer’s vagina. According to Jennifer, she performed oral sex on the female until she “had an orgasm.” The male pulled his penis from Jennifer’s vagina once the female had an orgasm. Jennifer was not sure if the male ejaculated. The female and male then dressed themselves and pulled up Jennifer’s underwear and pants. The male then moved to the front of the vehicle, and began to drive again.

Just remember: She is not damaged goods, although it would serve her right if she was. She’ll get herself that Prince Charming, and it’s likely to be the poor slob she ditched three months ago, the one everybody thought was a murderer.

I don’t understand why so much of our news is important, until we find out it has something to do with a lie, then we want to go onto the next thing. Liars hurt us, over and over again. I would venture to say most of the serious problems we have in the world, have to do with people telling lies to fatten their wallets or save their own asses. Lies about what they did. Lies about what happened to them. Lies about what they intend to do.

Screw you, you “I’m so tired of this story” types. Go click on something else. I wanna make sure she pays her due, and that the world knows she had to. This is the kind of thing that makes a persuasive argument for bringing back stocks in the public square.

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You Missed A Spot, BitchTuesday, August 9th, 2005

You Missed A Spot, Bitch
Tuesday, August 9th, 2005