House of Eratosthenes

How it is understood that your brain is a moped engine powering a Humvee — and so quickly, with such certainty, by so many. Where exactly is that “I’m a moron” sign located? You’ve checked and checked, it doesn’t seem to be written on your forehead, but people around you act as if it is. What’s clueing them in?

There are more folks wondering about this than we know. Gonna add to this list as I think of more…

…but at the moment, the only one truly worthy of comment is the one at the very bottom.

1. Walking around with your fly open.

2. Using “y’know,” “totally” or “basically” more than three times within five sentences.

3. Unplugging your cell phone and your coffee pot…to help SAVE the PLANET.

Ritalin-O's 4. (Men) Wearing a football jersey three sizes too big for you.

5. Medicating your son for his “abnormal” behavior, that is, in fact, quite normal behavior for a boy.

6. Pursuing a conversation with someone fifty feet away across a parking lot for more than a minute.

7. Speaking of a tax cut as something that “costs” money.

8. Taking a picture with the lens cap on.

9. (Men) Wearing a baseball cap backwards.

10. Calling someone greedy for simply wanting to keep something that belongs to them.

11. (Women) Speaking of the demands you make on men, and your refusal to ever be satisfied with their attempts to meet them, as if that’s an endearing quality.

12. (Men) Marrying a woman who brings nothing to the table except her incessant demands.

13. Ordering a fancy coffee drink with whipped cream on top…taking special care that it is made with NON FAT MILK…

14. …and then bitching away about your household budget while you slurp a morning-beverage that costs four bucks.

15. Hitting Reply-All button, “I Agree!” and Send, when you get a message specifically requesting people not to use Reply-All all the time.

16. Wishing aloud that politicians “of both parties” would find a way to “work together” and “get more done” without exploring what exactly would get done.

17. Wishing aloud that our country would “sit down and talk with our enemies” and “stop offending our allies,” without elaborating on what agreements should & shouldn’t be made, which allies these are supposed to be, or how exactly they’ve been offended.

Strip Bar? 18. Using the words “strip bar” to describe the Hooters restaurant chain.

19. Chastising someone else for being stupid, for simply disagreeing with you, while making third-grade mistakes with homonyms like “your” and “you’re,” “our” and “hour,” “their,” “there” and “they’re,” and “one” and “won.”

20. Using the word “majority” to legitimize an opinion, as if you wouldn’t want to be doing that selectively.

21. Three thousand dollar rims on a one thousand dollar car.

22. Hearing of one man’s sad tale of the life he shared with an unscrupulous female, and the wreckage his life became afterward, responding with the timeless non-sequitur “Not all women are like that.”

23. Watching reality television.

24. Talking about what you saw on reality television.

25. Advertising your opinion that Sarah Palin is stupid when you’ve never actually met her.

26. Getting a tattoo on your face…

27. …consisting of images or words you wouldn’t want your grandmother (or your job-interview guy) to see.

28. Using the word “loving” as a euphemism for homosexual.

29. Climbing into the cage to make friends with the wild animal at the zoo.

30. “The rich get richer, the poor get poorer.”

31. Leaving the bathroom with a foot and a half of toilet paper stuck to your shoe.

32. Gun control. You know, to “get rid of all these guns lying around.”

33. Skateboarding in a parking lot.

34. Driving several miles with your blinker on.

35. Extolling the virtues of some country’s “free” education and/or “free” health care.

36. Talking about how you’re overweight because of your “metabolism” or your “genes”…when your mouth is full.

37. “Irregardless.”

38. Beginning any statement about your political views with “Hey hey, ho ho.”

39. Talking about childrens’ “self esteem.”

40. Talking about the “stimulus” as if it is a job-saver, rather than a left-wing giveaway.

Lately…*sigh*…this shit all looks the same to me.

Cross-posted at Right Wing News.

Expanding a bit on #22: Using the “Not all X are like that” line reflexively whenever you hear or read someone generalizing about something. If the original speaker did not explicitly say “All x are like this,” then do NOT think you are being clever by raising exceptions. Irregardless of the subject.

34? How bout a 34b: Calling it a “turn signal indicator” instead of just a turn signal, or turn indicator. Hey hey, ho ho.
- Andy | 02/07/2009 @ 14:17
34c: Editing your blog posts just because of the smartass comments that start bubbling up under it.

Point taken, though. In fact even “blinker” would probably be plenty specific enough. I’ll make a note to change it when we get back. Totally.
- mkfreeberg | 02/07/2009 @ 14:50
ah…elaborATing (17.) Just giving you a hard time. Great rant and very nearly complete, too.

Except:

Number 1. (before all other number 1s): Using “it’s” when you obviously cannot mean “it is,” which is what “it’s” means. Always. In every case. Ineluctably. Without exception.

And thank you.
- rob | 02/07/2009 @ 17:48
[…] That’s Item Number 7 on my list of things that give everyday people away as clueless idiots. […]
- House of Eratosthenes | 09/09/2009 @ 17:53
19. homophones?
- prekenaya | 09/09/2009 @ 19:37
[…] there’s time, I’ll go over the What Gave You Away? list of things stupid people say, to put others on the alert to the fact that they’re stupid. […]
- House of Eratosthenes | 09/18/2009 @ 06:59
[…] liberals would come out of the woodwork to give form and voice to Item #7 on the list of things that give clueless idiot dipshits away, Speaking of a tax cut as something that “costs” […]
- House of Eratosthenes | 02/12/2010 @ 08:49
[…] much convincing. Speaking of a tax cut as something that “costs” money is Item #7 on my list of things that gave you away as an imbecile; Krugman’s columns typically start from that premise, and then work forward into bristling […]
- House of Eratosthenes | 08/24/2010 @ 05:29
[…] #38 on my list of telltale signs that you might be a clueless […]
- House of Eratosthenes | 10/05/2010 @ 06:58
[…] insignificant little things to save the planet. That’d be the well-worn-out Item #3 on said list. Kate reports at Small Dead Animals: Britain is the home of a surprising number of […]
- “Look At Me Saving the Planet” | Washington Rebel | 10/05/2010 @ 08:01
[…] insignificant little things to save the planet. That’d be the well-worn-out Item #3 on said list. Kate reports at Small Dead Animals: Britain is the home of a surprising number of […]
- House of Eratosthenes | 10/06/2010 @ 06:23
[…] tax cuts costing money…aside from qualifying as a clueless dipshit according to Item #7 on my list of ways to give yourself away as one…I want to know how much extra money you’re sending […]
- House of Eratosthenes | 10/23/2010 @ 20:06
[…] tax cuts costing money…aside from qualifying as a clueless dipshit according to Item #7 on my list of ways to give yourself away as one…I want to know how much extra money you’re sending […]
- Not One Word, And I Hope a Polar Bear Eats You | Washington Rebel | 10/23/2010 @ 21:49
[…] This has been exposed as a falsity the first time we cut tax rates and experienced increased tax income as a direct result. That is why we have it down as Item #7 on our list of things that give you away as a clueless dork. […]
- House of Eratosthenes | 12/03/2010 @ 07:21

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What Gave You Away?Saturday, February 7th, 2009

What Gave You Away?
Saturday, February 7th, 2009