House of Eratosthenes

That sounds like a fun poll, provided you can have the usual back-and-forth arguing (Pam Bouvier, you kidding? Cigar Girl has her beat by a mile!). But it occurs to me that someone should go out and make sure the list is more-or-less complete before the arguing can commence. Who wants to be belabored by all those false-starts…”oh yeah, I forgot about her, she was pretty smokin’ huh?”

And I think people inwardly realize this. Out of 21 movies, who’s the hottest? It’s easy enough to answer who made the biggest impression. But that’s not necessarily fair, is it.

So I came up with some ground rules, and then I gathered the list.

1. “Bond Girls” are rated whether Bond slept with them or not; whether he expressed an interest to sleep with them; whether he ever enjoyed the positioning that would be needed to sleep with them; whether or not he had the time.
2. I had a “Natalya Simonova” rule in which the measure is based on the hottest as each woman appeared within the film. (This Goldeneye character was presented as a sort of dowdy computer programming waif in most of the movie, but was much hotter in her white bikini — outside the movie, as a professional model, Izabella Scorupco is hotter still. We take our measure from the bikini scene.)
3. Two characters in two movies played by the same actress, are evaluated independently. (Maud Adams is ageless, or at least was for the twelve years in question, so this rule never came into play.)
4. Scrumptious as they are, we leave the young ladies who did voices for the James Bond video games entirely alone. Because this is a mostly visual exercise, and hey, they’re a bunch of pixels.
5. We also leave untouched the names announced for Quantum of Solace this coming Thanksgiving. If we can’t see them on the screen, it’s not fair comparing them to those who came before.
6. These are EON Bond Girls. Never Say Never Again is out of scope…although, it must be said, Fatima Blush and Domino Petachi would both rank very high.

I gave it one go, and everything went wrong. There’s a text entry limit on the James Bond Wiki for starters…and then…I realized I left out a couple names. And then I found I left out ten. And then seventeen. Then, of course, I found a few places where I’d rated some super-hot girls above others who were super-super-duper-hot. Thus negating the entire point…so I had to go back and address that.

By now, I think I’ve got it all smoothed out and pressed into place. This isn’t quite so much time-consuming, as subject to an excessive amount of potential “aw crap” revision later on, so it occurs to me this is probably the ideal medium for the list. With that in mind, be advised that the following is necessarily subject to change. Although I’m reasonably sure the most disruptive is behind it.

So here you go. Bond Girls, to date, in order of hotness.

1. Professor Inga Bergstrom, Tomorrow Never Dies
2. Valenka+, Casino Royale
3. Bonita, Goldfinger
4. Zora, From Russia With Love
5. Paula Caplain+, Thunderball
6. Hotel Clerk+, Casino Royale
7. Log Cabin Girl, The Spy Who Loved Me
8. Patricia Fearing, Thunderball
9. Kimberley Jones, A View to A Kill
10. Gypsy Dancer+, From Russia With Love
11. Naomi+, The Spy Who Loved Me
12. Domino Derval*, Thunderball
13. Bibi Dahl+, For Your Eyes Only
14. Miranda Frost, Die Another Day
15. Dink, Goldfinger
16. Plenty O’Toole, Diamonds Are Forever
17. Tatiana Romanova*, From Russia With Love
18. Sylvia Trench, Dr. No
19. Arab Beauty, The Spy Who Loved Me
20. Helga Brandt, You Only Live Twice
21. Xenia Onatopp+, Goldeneye
22. Peaceful Fountains of Desire+, Die Another Day
23. Mary Goodnight*, The Man With The Golden Gun
24. Tiffany Case*, Diamonds Are Forever
25. Teresa di Vicenzo*, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service
26. Natalya Fyodorovna Simonova*, Goldeneye
27. Paris Carver, Tomorrow Never Dies
28. Female CIA Agent #2 (Jeep Driver)+, The Living Daylights
29. Holly Goodhead*, Moonraker
30. Andrea Anders, The Man With The Golden Gun
31. Octopussy*, Octopussy
32. Corinne Dufour, Moonraker
33. Honeychile Rider*, Dr. No
34. Fiona Volpe, Thunderball
35. Vida, From Russia With Love
36. Miss Taro, Dr. No
37. Solange, Casino Royale
38. Stacey Sutton*, A View to A Kill
39. Tilley Masterson, Goldfinger
40. Cigar Girl+, The World Is Not Enough
41. Melina Havelock*, For Your Eyes Only
42. Jill Masterson, Goldfinger
43. Kissy Suzuki*, You Only Live Twice
44. Dr. Christmas Jones*, The World Is Not Enough
45. Jenny Flex+, A View to A Kill
46. Pola Ivanova, A View to A Kill
47. Felicca+, The Spy Who Loved Me
48. Giacinta “Jinx” Johnson*, Die Another Day
49. Hostess of Private Jet+, Moonraker
50. Linda, The Living Daylights
51. Elektra King, The World Is Not Enough
52. The Photographer+, Dr. No
53. Manuela, Moonraker
54. Lupe Lamora, License to Kill
55. Nancy, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service
56. Anya Amasova, The Spy Who Loved Me
57. Lisl von Schlaugh, For Your Eyes Only
58. Pam Bouvier*, License to Kill
59. Magda, Octopussy
60. Pussy Galore*, Goldfinger
61. Aki, You Only Live Twice
62. Solitaire*, Live and Let Die
63. Carver’s PR Girl+, Tomorrow Never Dies
64. Female CIA Agent #1 (Gun Holder)+, The Living Daylights
65. Miss Caruso, Live and Let Die
66. Bambi+, Diamonds Are Forever
67. Ling, You Only Live Twice
68. Marie+, Diamonds Are Forever
69. Thumper+, Diamonds Are Forever
70. Saida+, The Man With The Golden Gun
71. Dr. Molly Warmflash, The World Is Not Enough
72. Kara Milovy*, The Living Daylights
73. Caroline, Goldeneye
74. Vesper Lynd*, Casino Royale
75. Rosie Carver, Live and Let Die
76. Ruby Bartlett, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service
77. Colonel Wai Lin*, Tomorrow Never Dies
78. Pan Ho+, A View to A Kill
79. Mayday, A View to A Kill

* “Closing Credits” Bond girl. (I decided to go ahead and include Vesper and Teresa under this.)
+ He didn’t actually sleep with her.

Disagree? How in the world could you? Nevertheless, let me know…

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Hottest Bond GirlsMonday, May 26th, 2008

Hottest Bond Girls
Monday, May 26th, 2008