House of Eratosthenes

The left-wingers on FARK are just giddy over the creative-writing genius of bernardpliers at Daily Kos, who came up with the idea of envisioning the Republican party as a deranged ex-boyfriend of a woman who was America. Said FARK libs found this so uplifting, they celebrated in one of the few ways they know how…they got in a silly fight about it (some twenty or so comments submitted between 10:03:08 and 11:11:09 EDT).

As a side note, someone else did the “America as a woman” thing first, and better. Just sayin’.

Obama Deficit After all this interest throughout last year about what exactly it is liberals think of America, I see this little treatise offers a rather clear, concise answer in the form of this hypothetical and fickle female. She must be terribly naive, perhaps young…perhaps exceptionally stupid. Let’s see, she gave the Republicans the old heave-ho because they were going through her purse, is that one of the complaints? So now the new boyfriend is pulling hundred dollar bills out, whereas the old one was lifting twenties and tens. That’s alright — oh, and the new boyfriend sweet-talked her into going on a vacation because it would help “stimulate” her, and it turned out what he put on her credit card was just a bunch of expensive gifts to his illegal-alien buddies.

Another interesting angle to this is the idea that America is finally finished, once and for all, for good, finito, with that no-good whacked-out crazy crackadoodle latent homosexual of an ex-boyfriend. Wow…so it seems liberals are not too fond of homosexuals either. One wonders if they have more issues with Republicans for being closet homosexuals, or with homosexuals for being closet Republicans. This must be that liberal tolerance I hear so much about. But anyway — is she done with that ex-boyfriend in all aspects? As in, while she sails around the world with her sexy smooth-talking melanin-gifted dude and her old pantywaist ex stews in his white-boy latent-homosexual racist venom…keeping his distance because of that soon-to-be-filed “restraining order”…he can cancel that credit card she’s carrying around? She doesn’t need his money anymore?

So far, it doesn’t look like America is quite that “done” with him.

Okay, so in liberal-eyes the country is a gold-digging bitch, in addition to everything else.

And a little bit of a bore. As DarthBrooks said:

It’s more like the woman at your office who got a divorce last year and just keeps droning ON and ON and ON about what her ex-husband is doing somewhere else and wasn’t he just plain awful and wait don’t go I have to tell you what else I didn’t like about him…

Liberals don’t seem to be conscious of how silly they are made to look, by this argument of theirs that the conservative movement is now just a relic of history, like the silver-standard movement. We’ve said before, many times, that if an argument is weak enough the worst thing you can do to it is take it seriously. This argument, once taken seriously, not only makes itself look ridiculous, but those who keep pushing it, as well. Lessee: They were elected on this platform of “change,” and now my gosh there is all this terrible wreckage to be cleaned up, a big mess made by those stupid other-guys. But — nobody’s grabbing a mop! Darth Brooks nailed it: It’s just “Here’s something else wrong with him…and here’s another thing…and another thing…and another thing.”

Usually, in that situation, it’s the bitter divorced-woman who wants to go on and on like that. “Wait don’t go I have to tell you what else I didn’t like about him…” If there’s a new boyfriend in the picture, his preference is that the topic be changed to something else. What we’re seeing right now is a situation in which America isn’t in that big of a hurry to get into a bitch-pitch about what a terrible awful latent-homosexual the old boyfriend was — she’d rather see the new boyfriend get busy cleaning up the mess, like he said he was going to do. But it’s the new boyfriend that keeps it up with the whining. And doesn’t seem to have an awful lot of anything else to say.

Other than, y’know, “Honey…where’s your purse?”

Cross-posted at Right Wing News.

Update 4/19/09: Clearly, the whole point to the Kossack piece is to catalog the personal shortcomings of the right-wing ex-boyfriend, not of the lady who seeks the restraining order. And so I have to wonder if they consciously realize what a dizzying array of vices they have fastened to this imaginary female. She is weak and vacillating in choosing her men; she has been complicit in this fiscal recklessness with her ex (and with the current one too), and is therefore a spendthrift; she files restraining orders on men, while continuing to live off them, so she’s a parasite; the new guy is motivating her to spend three or four times as much money just by being cool, so she’s something of a dimwit; it takes her forever and a day to figure out her boyfriend is more into guys than her; she tolerated, for an extended period of time, his racism.

And by now it’s very well-established that if you quiz a faithful liberal about the wonderful things America has done in her history — not the wonderful heights to which he plans for her to aspire, after he re-makes her into something different from what she currently is, but what past deeds she has done in which she can show some legitimate pride — you just get back a deer-in-headlights look and a hasty change of subject. He “loves” her in the sense that he wants her to justify her existence; but she hasn’t done it quite yet.

In sum, I think of all the things that could be wrong with a real, flesh-and-blood woman…try to make it as complete a list as I can…and from this, I subtract the list of things that are wrong with this imaginary woman, which is America as the Kos kids see her…and I’m only left with one thing, a venereal disease. Everything else is represented in their vision. The fickleness, the meanness, the inconsideration, the hypocrisy, the excessive materialism. And most of all, that gritty determination to make herself happy at the expense of the happiness of all those she knows, coupled with a dazzling ignorance of what is needed for her own happiness.

That’s how they see her. That’s the image flowing from the poison pen of bernardpliers and cheered on by his ideological compatriots. A woman whose approval is sought by many, especially at election time; but who is wrong in every single way a woman can possibly be wrong.

Let’s just suspend that question about whether liberals love America. Are they even capable of tolerating her for more than a minute or two?

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Daily Kos Sees America as a WomanSaturday, April 18th, 2009

Daily Kos Sees America as a Woman
Saturday, April 18th, 2009