House of Eratosthenes

“Why you ain’t where you is go, ra.” I don’t know who these people are. And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk. Then I heard the father talk. This is all in the house. You used to talk a certain way on the corner and you got into the house and switched to English. Everybody knows it’s important to speak English except these knuckleheads. You can’t land a plane with, “Why you ain’t…” You can’t be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth.

Regrettably, the audio clips are edited, somewhat. But you get the idea.

I work in Information Technology…a field in which we look to professionals to solve problems. But it turns out when you work here, you can solve as many problems as you want to solve, and nobody’s going to give a crap about it until you have the right sheepskins on your wall.

I didn’t think that was a serious problem until I met some “skilled” engineers who had all the coveted “sertifikayshuns” and therefore enjoyed career portability I didn’t have…who could not write and could not spell. Now, is this still not quite a serious problem? Hey. These are our problem solvers. These are our technology-bringers. These are our make-things-work-ers. They think “affect” and “effect” are interchangeable words…and trust me on this, it goes sharply downhill from there. Many of them can not type. Why on earth should they have to know how? The median birth date is about 1976, or later. If you’re my age, which is just a decade senior to that, you think a mouse is a luxury item. Well yeah, have you really worked at re-thinking that lately? You also probably know what an eight-track is, GRAMPS.

It should be mentioned that my complaint is different from Mr. Cosby’s, although when you get down to it, we’re both a couple of old men grousing about the next generation, with a mixture of sour grapes and some other stuff that is not just sour grapes. Stuff that might be thought of has having real legitimacy to it. Stuff that could be thought of as a real wake-up call. Cosby is talking about a culture in which intellectual achievement is frowned-upon, in which people actually channel their energies — vast sums of energy — into staying stupid and keeping their kids stupid, and then blame their problems on other classes of people with lighter skin. Yeah that’s pretty foolish alright…I’m talking about a culture endemic to a universality of skin colors, in which intellectual competence is thought to be synonymous with the seals and signatures which are imposed simply for the purpose of manifesting it. To the extent that we end up buried in a tidal wave of “knowledgeable” professionals who are supposed to know everything, and in actuality when it comes time to getting things done, can’t really be counted on to do any of it. I’m griping about paperwork being treated as an acceptable substitute for skill — paperwork treated with greater respect than skill. To the point where those with the authority to do so, reject skill, replace it with paperwork, think the exchange to be a costless one, and then coast along in blissful ignorance of the fact that this is what was just done. If we were talking about installing seat belts or brake pads, we’d have to wake up to what we’re doing…but we don’t have to…and what we’re talking about, is all the stuff in our lives that is supported by technology. Which is pretty much everything, lock stock & barrel.

The overlap between these two old-guy complaints, is broad, deep and significant. It is a seductive cultural spirit antagonistic toward simply knowing how to do things. The shoving of the nearest nerd into the handiest garbage can. The pretending you don’t know the answer to the question so you can avoid being typecast as a “geek,” and therefore get along with your pals. The wearing of the clothes backwards. The ass crack sticking out of the pants. Ain’t. You is. Let me ax you. The Idiocracy.

Deep down, I think we all understand we can afford this nonsense because…well, we can afford it. Got a hungry belly, you take it to Taco Bell with $3.15 and the problem is solved. Boss fires you for goofing off too much, you take it up with your local union and you’ll make the sonofabitch sorry his momma ever met his daddy. Laziness…all kinds of laziness, the intellectual, the spiritual, the physical…carries no consequence as 2008 finds us. None at all. None. And so — we work hard at getting lazy. It is the one thing toward which we channel our truly dedicated, sweaty-forehead, all-other-priorities-are-trivial, white hot energy.

Because we must put that kind of energy somewhere, and there are no other challenges, dangers or problems left to absorb it. We work at staying stupid. At not speaking English. At using improper grammar. At mumbling. We are very much like the battery with one paper clip attached to both terminals. Zero resistance…and we’re overheating and melting down because zero resistance is a situation outside of our intended design.

Happy new year!

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Bill Cosby’s SpeechMonday, December 31st, 2007

Bill Cosby’s Speech
Monday, December 31st, 2007