House of Eratosthenes

1. Reject any assigned phone number for my house or cell phone that does not begin with 555.
2. Leave the keys in the ignition of whatever I own. All the time, no matter what.
3. If the lights go out and I try to figure out why, I will always walk backwards. If female and good-looking, I will first take a long slow shower.
4. I will not be slowed down by a punch to the nose, or even by a kick in the face. I will keep swinging, virtually begging for more. Even if precariously balancing on a thin girder a thousand feet above the sidewalk.
5. However, if someone gives me a good karate chop to the back or the neck, I faint immediately and stay asleep for hours.
6. As a man, I will scold my female colleague to go home. As a woman, I will insist on tagging along with those four timeless magic words, “I’m going with you!”
7. I will meet all my work obligations instead of flaking out to go to my kid’s baseball game or school play, but later confess to being a big jerk and resolving to be much flakier from now on, while tear-jerking music plays softly in the background.
8. If my wife sleeps with someone else, I will begin a vigorous soul-searching session to figure out what I did to make her want to.
9. Listen unquestioningly to the words of self-appointed amateur psychologists who know nothing about me, as they describe my most intimate personal problems and what to do about them, especially if they’re half my age and good-looking.
10. Use incredibly lame passwords on my computer, and keep obvious visual clues to said passwords within line-of-sight.

Update:
The FARKLibs were generous enough to help tack on the following…
11. I promise to get a parking spot in front of whatever building I need to be in, regardless of time or day or how busy the area is.
12. I promise never to actually pay for anything.
13. I promise to talk to my children about my sexual antics as casually as my friends.
14. I will keep my gun holstered while checking to see if my nemesis is dead.
15. I will spend an inordinate amount of time explaining the happenings of the last two hours to my victim before I kill him.
16. I won’t say hello, when I begin telephone conversations, and I won’t say goodbye when they’re over.
17. I promise to leave the headlights on when I get out of car.
18. I promise to wear my tightest and most revealing clothes at all times, regardless of how practical or impractical they may be for the task at hand
19. I will also never wear the same outfit twice, unless it’s a uniform, in which case I will wear it nonstop
20. Also, should my clothing ever be torn or ripped, it will tear or rip in such a way as to bare nothing but my toned midriff, shoulders, or thighs.
21. If a friend goes missing, I will insist that everyone split up to look for them.
22. If in a gun fight, I will insist on a perfect headshot rather than targeting any body part in view. If there is a car between us, I will peek over the top rather than looking underneath and shooting my opponent in the ankle.
23. I promise to win the big game on some crazy, hare-brained, million-to-one play rather than skill.

I promise that if I’m putting someone in a cab, I will tap the roof twice to let the driver know it’s time to leave

I promise to use L-shaped sheets in bed so my body is exposed to the waist but my female love interest is covered to the chin.

I promise to do “one more job” before retiring from my life of crime.

I promise to show everyone my new wife/newborn baby ensuring that I won’t survive the first act

I promise to make a bomb with a red digital readout counting down.

I promise to turn on the tv to the exact channel at the exact moment necessary to see the Big News Story

I promise to carry my groceries in a brown paper bag with celery sticking out of the top

I promise when running away from a large explosion, I will hold hands with Female Lead despite the fact this makes us run much slower

I promise to live in an apartment who’s value far outstrips my crappy job (see: Friends)

I promise that when struggling for control of a gun, I will keep the gun between me and the other character and when the gun goes off, neither of us will make a sound so as to draw out the drama of the moment.

I promise to grow 3 days worth of stubble in mere hours so the audience knows I’m drunk

I promise to run down the middle of the street when being chased by a car
- Duffy | 04/30/2007 @ 10:11

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As a Movie CharacterSunday, April 29th, 2007

As a Movie Character
Sunday, April 29th, 2007