House of Eratosthenes

File this one under “Priceless Advice Republicans Can Have For Free.” Are they listening? I hope they’re listening. You lose the election next year, Republicans, and you haven’t used what appears below…I hope whoever’s running the show stays unemployed for a good long time.

Don’t come cryin’ to me.

Here’s the television commercial I’d like to see.

There’s this line of people that stretches off into the distance, in both directions, as far as the eye can see. Everybody is patiently waiting for something, for what purpose it’s not clear. John Edwards, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are working the crowd. They’re talking to people who are waiting in the line.

Barack Obama is telling everybody to think happy thoughts. Every once in awhile he chrips out, “Aren’t I just awesome and wonderful?”

John Edwards is asking people “Have you been to the doctor today? You’re supposed to go, you know. If you haven’t gone to the doctor today, you’re in the wrong line.”

Hillary Clinton is asking them how long they’ve been waiting in line, making sure they’re suffering adequately. “You’re not cutting in front of anyone, are you? Good, good…it’s important that everybody wait until their legs are good and tired. Good and tired. How much money do you have? If you have too much, I’ll be taking some away for the common good.”

Looney Left Obama is telling them “Sameness, yes, that is what is important. We have to make sure each of you is equally well off, and endures an equal amount of pain.”

Edwards is making people feel guilty about carbon emissions, asking them if they’ve changed the light bulbs in their homes. “You can pick up new light bulbs on the way back from the doctor.”

Clinton is reminding them to think about retirement, healthcare and their grandmas having to choose between medicine and dog food.

Obama is asking someone what kind of laptop she has. It isn’t faster than anybody else’s, is it?

Edwards is reminding everyone listening that all the speed limits have to be exactly the same. “Ball bearings, that’s what we all are. Identical in every way. Except I’m a really rich ball bearing, of course. I’ll make everything the same.”

Clinton is droning on about new labels to be put on food packages.

All three candidates start talking over each other, reaching a euphoric crescendo, babbling on about their personal tastes. Hillary just loves her hybrid automobile, which American-made, of course. “And I’ve ALWAYS been a New York Dolphins fan!” Edwards yells, “Sameness! Sameness! You’re all the same! I’m SO much better than you!”. Obama smiles, giggles, and holds up some weird-looking toy animals — “Ya gotta catch ’em all!” Hillary starts giggling maniacally.

It all goes silent the instant a gunshot rings out. A man from the line falls flat on his back, blood pouring out from between his eyes which are frozen open.

The only sound anybody can hear is an empty cartridge bouncing on the floor, and then rolling around.

The dead man’s unseasonably warm trench coat falls open, revealing an enormous belt of dynamite sticks. A push button detonating device falls out of his hand.

The man who had been standing next to him holsters a 9mm sidearm that is still smoking. He looks back up at Hillary, whose jaw is now hanging open, her eyes frozen in horror. He looks at her expectantly with a look that might say, “sorry to interrupt — you were saying?”

The candidates exchange glances. Nobody seems to know what to say. The man continues to wait for Hillary to finish her thought. He shrugs his shoulders.

FADE OUT. The sound of a heartbeat starts repeating…

Narrator: “This November, the Republican party encourages you to vote according to what is really important to you. Not what someone else says is important to you.”

The heartbeat sound quickens slightly. FADE IN on another shot of the push button detonating device. End of commercial.

I like it. I really, rilly, LIKE it!
- Buck | 12/15/2007 @ 16:53
Instant viral video.
I’ve been giggling since yesterday on the image. Is it open for distribution? can I/we pass it around and hope someone will do something with it? Someone oughta’, they really oughta’.
Pleeeease?
- Dark Horse | 12/16/2007 @ 00:25
Who am I to deny the world of my inspiration, when said world is most in need.

Yes, let’s slice open the feather pillow on the highest hilltop and let the feathers scatter where they may. The fate of the free world may very well depend on it. And…Hillary being speechless is a sight I’d love to see, even if it’s a mock-up.
- mkfreeberg | 12/16/2007 @ 00:33
I think Buck was talking about the Loony Tunes pic.

But really. Seriously. About the ad itself — someone ought to make this a YouTube ad if nothing else. Who do we know?

Evan Coyne Maloney ? Does Bill Whittle know someone? He’s in the film editing business.

I doubt they’d be allowed to use names or even likenesses that were too close to the actual candidates (and if I’m wrong about that, cool) but I think the message would get across all the same.

I think your idea needs to be circulated wide enough to catch some people with the right talent, resources, and leanings.
- philmon | 12/17/2007 @ 10:58
No, actually I just embedded the Looney Tune pic late last night. It isn’t mine. I’d give credit for that one if only I could find out who did it.

I know your question has a very complicated answer, because even Congress doesn’t quite understand how to properly implement CFR and there is a consensus MoveOn and Swift Boats have made it necessary to put more “reform” in place. But constructs that are unnamed, so long as they’re allowed, are always entertaining. I remember a Republican ad from the 1980’s that showed a foolish old fat man with big white hair driving down the road, his thinner and much more sensible passenger warning that they should stop, they’re going to run out of gas. Everyone KNEW that was Tip O’Neill, but it was left unstated. That just made an impression on me as a funny, artistic thing to do, while getting the point across elegantly. Even if it was a bending of the rules.
- mkfreeberg | 12/17/2007 @ 11:08

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An Ad I’d Like To SeeFriday, December 14th, 2007

An Ad I’d Like To See
Friday, December 14th, 2007