House of Eratosthenes

That headline makes our chosen topic sound oh so much more exciting than it really is. A one-day moratorium is being announced for August 4 on a bunch of guy-centered online mags, like this one and this one and this one and this one, against anything related to the sexpot star of Transformers movies.

Renouncing Megan Fox Well, I’m of two minds about it. The girl is horribly miscast, but at least she does know how to act, kinda. Did I say horribly miscast? I meant awfully, terribly, reprehensibly, stink-on-wheels miscast. I think they broke the mold before they made Michael Bay. The man knows how to blow things up, and he knows how to have lots of guys walk in slow motion toward the camera in a classic “power walk” just before they face certain doom. But he couldn’t assemble a female character to save his life. He doesn’t seem to keep in mind if he’s developing a nice-girl, a bored-housewife, a bitch, a vamp, a hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold, an evil-stepmother, a dowager, a princess, a lady-of-the-lake, Juliet, Marion Ravenwood, Lieutenant Uhura, Scheherazade, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. It’s like, to him, they’re all just one male stock character with a few different body parts.

So he gets hold of Megan Fox, who is a young trash-temptress with an Angelina Jolie obsession and tattoo fixation, who is sizzling hot and can kinda sorta act. And he puts her in this part that is a better fit for Elisabeth Shue, back in the Cocktail days. It seems like a great fit at first. She’s dating the football jackass, she breaks up with him because he wants her to be his “bunny,” she knows more about cars than she lets on because her dad’s a jailbird carjacker, and by the second movie she’s working in daddy’s motorcycle shop as a girl grease monkey. At this point, there is only a partial disconnect…the tattoos fit right in, the overly-thick makeup job with the glossy pouty lips, does not. We can deal with that.

But then she’s the Girl Friday to Shia Labeouf as he repeats his run-the-gauntlet stunt from the first movie, trying to get a precious thing-a-ma-bob to a waiting whatz-a-ma-giggit, so we’re all left watching Shia and this super-duper-hot-girl — who’s fully clothed, by the way — run through this maze of marauding robots and explosions. And it just has an awkward feel to it, ya know. She does a lot of yelling, when everybody else does a lot of yelling. In Michael Bay movies, if you’re doing something and you want whatever it is to work…especially if it’s got to do with working a motorcycle, car, plane, boat, machine gun or rocket launcher — you yell really loud. A nice throaty yell is great for making things work in movies. I first learned that when Stalone went AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! while firing a machine gun at nothing in Rambo II. Yelling makes things work. Always. Unless it’s that car that won’t start when the machete-guy is walking…real…slow toward you in a slasher movie. Other than that, yelling works. Megan Fox yells very nicely. She has a man-yell.

Having said all that, yes I’m tired of her. She lacks man-appeal. Methinks her appeal is for boys, the boys who are fascinated with girls, but only since sometime last year. Untroubled by any unpleasant memories of an actual coupling, they lust after the ladies they’ll not actually be having, the same way a grown man lusts after a Bugatti Veyron or F1 McLaren. This full-grown man appreciates her supple body parts, but he finds her personality irritating, along with her overly-made-up face. He finds her suitable as a background extra with few or no speaking lines, perhaps a showgirl; nothing more center-stage than those. She lacks watch-ability. Think of re-doing the 1930’s classic production of Wizard of Oz, with Fox cast as Dorothy. Which means she’s carrying the entire show, since everyone except Dorothy occupies a secondary role. See what I mean now?

There is an urban legend going around that forty years ago, when they were creating a new character for The Avengers, one of the producers dashed off a memorandum addressing the desire for this person to have “M. Appeal,” with M standing for Man. And that’s how the character got her name. It seems, from all I’ve been able to gather, that there is some truth to this legend — but it really doesn’t matter, does it. Mrs. Peel did have man appeal, bushels of it, and because of that she remains memorable to this very day. Why? She appealed to men, and she was brilliantly cast, the part filled with a wonderful, talented actress who fit it and connected with it. Peel will never be forgotten, ever.

Now are there any Transformers fans who can remember the name of Fox’s character in the movie? And can spell it correctly?

Overexposed is right. It’s time for her to go bye-bye for a little while. It’s certainly not her fault, at least not completely. But the fatigue has set in.

And that goes for the live-action Wonder Woman movie too. The Champion of Themiscyra is tat-free; inking her skin would be disrespectful to her mother, and it probably wouldn’t work anyhow because she’s made out of clay. Keep looking. Think about Odette Yustman and Julia Voth instead.

Cross-posted at Right Wing News.

She looks like a teenage boy with boobs.I don’t get it,whats all
the fuss about?
- kermitt | 07/30/2009 @ 07:18
Oh, I get it. She’s smokin’ freakin’ hot. But it’s an empty sort of fivesecondsofholyshit hotness. I’m ready to turn the page pretty quickly. Seen it all before, will see it all again (and will look forward to it).

You make the supercar analogy, Morgan, and chicks are always getting pissed at me because I use car analogies with women all the time. Stellar to look at, and I will check out every one that drives by – it’s why they were built that way (and in girls’ case, why they got dressed that way this morning). And if I could get away with keeping a couple in the garage without paying for them, well I wouldn’t hesitate.
- Andy | 07/30/2009 @ 07:57
“And if I could get away with keeping a couple in the garage without paying for them, well I wouldn’t hesitate.”

Ah…you still talking about cars Andy?

‘Cause I prefer the basement…less likely the neighbors will hear anything.

BTW, I’m with ya’ kermitt, check out those pot marks. Give me the girl next door anyday.
- tim | 07/30/2009 @ 11:06
With regards to the Wonder Woman movies:

I realize that she’s not amazon-like, but Eliza Dushku can act; everything else can be CGI’ed. Very girl-next-door, IMO.

Lastly, who’ll take odds on it being Jessica Alba? The marketing bump from the latina angle may be irresistible.
- wch | 07/30/2009 @ 14:46
It could be James Cameron’s fault, but Dark Angel has left such a sour taste in my mouth that if I were a producer Alba would be on my permanent blacklist. She starts taunting the bad guys, and before the first insult is out of her mouth the whole match-up has assumed the form and shape of a third-grade playground tussle, with half the dignity. The exact opposite of my vision for a WW movie.

She’s an ambassador sent to Man’s World for forge an alliance that hasn’t been envisioned as possible in times past. That means she is the most mature, refined, empathic and patient of all the superheroes. So no, Alba is out. Every character she plays, has frequent temper tantrums, outbursts, pouting sessions, and a whole lot to prove. Even the Invisible Girl.

Still, Alba isn’t much worse than Fox. And there’s a lot to be said for that killer bod.
- mkfreeberg | 07/30/2009 @ 15:05
Naw, the one who should play Wonder Woman is Gina Carano. Hot, tough and tall, not sure if she can act, but I bet she could learn.
- Instinct | 07/30/2009 @ 19:59
[…] This won’t be the last word on Megan Fox, but it works for me: There is an urban legend going around that forty years ago, when they were creating a new character for The Avengers, one of the producers dashed off a memorandum addressing the desire for this person to have “M. Appeal,” with M standing for Man. And that’s how the character got her name. It seems, from all I’ve been able to gather, that there is some truth to this legend — but it really doesn’t matter, does it. Mrs. Peel did have man appeal, bushels of it, and because of that she remains memorable to this very day. Why? She appealed to men, and she was brilliantly cast, the part filled with a wonderful, talented actress who fit it and connected with it. Peel will never be forgotten, ever. […]
- dustbury.com » Fox news | 07/31/2009 @ 08:43
Y’all are allowed to drool and act dopey over this girl.

She is smoking.
- Daphne | 07/31/2009 @ 14:11
She’s certainly a visual treat. But for reasons explained above, which I suspect won’t resonate across gender lines — “it’s a guy thing” and all that — she’s a 5-outta-10 on a lot of things that titillate the male mind. Mediocre. A generic showgirl.

I hasten to add that you are far from average yourself, in these intangibles. And I mean that in a good way. Without having the slightest clue what you look like. You’ve got what Ms. Fox is lacking, and it’s rather ironic that there’s a certain impossibility involved in explaining to you what that is.
- mkfreeberg | 07/31/2009 @ 14:37
“…there’s a certain impossibility involved in explaining to you what that is.”

Something tells me, Morgan, that given a computer and a slightly purple blog, you could very easily throw down a few dozen paragraphs explaining it all at length. Not that that’s a challenge, because I don’t think I would last through it all.
- Andy | 07/31/2009 @ 15:04
I am a fabulous package, darling man!

I would never claim a level anywhere near Fox’s beauty (but I’m pretty good looking for an old broad) and I do agree that substance and talent enhance a gorgeous package into the stratosphere of choice desirability, but let’s face facts; she’s hot, smoking fine with a rare type of sexual attractiveness that isn’t often seen and isn’t that what most people want in a fantasy figure that they’re never going to deal with on a personal level? She’s packaged perfectly for her gift. Who cares if she’s shallow, liberal or flat out dumb?

I don’t care if Beckham, Pitt or Peirce Brosnan can actually speak, they’re hot fantasies, that’s all and it’s okay to lust after their beauty, appreciate their bodies and dwell on nothing more than the physical gifts they offer. There’s no sin or diminishment in calling a thing true and finding it pleasing to the senses. I don’t plan on developing a relationship with their photos or movies.

If I want to talk to men who I find seriously attractive in all the important ways, I’ll visit men like you in the blogosphere.

If I want thirty seconds of pure eye candy, I’m digging up some shirtless Beckham and there ain’t nothing wrong with that, Mr. Morgan.

Out of curiosity, did you drool too hard in Miss Fox’s direction and get verbally spanked by your girlfriend?

By the way, I missed you while I was at the beach – I could read but my passkey was tucked away in my mac email at home.
- Daphne | 07/31/2009 @ 15:04
He’s not shy with the words, is he Andy?
- Daphne | 07/31/2009 @ 15:06
Daphne, pipe it down and post something on your own blog. We’ve missed you, and no points for being all bright and wordy in someone’s comments section.

Right on about all the hotness analysis up there, too. Sometimes you just want to look at a thing. And when I do, I want it to look like Megan Fox.
- Andy | 07/31/2009 @ 15:16
I just rolled in from the coast, Andy, give me a break. I feel like chatting and sipping bourbon tonight.

I will write, I always write, but I do want points for being all wordy on someone else’s blog, too. I want it all, greedy bitch that I am.

I’m glad you agree that vacuous hotness is all it’s cracked up to be. Bring on the empty hotties.
- Daphne | 07/31/2009 @ 15:22
See how much better wordpress is? Quick response versus the monotony of refreshing a site for responses and snarky discussion. Make the move Andy, you’re so worth the zero cost of signing on. 😉
- Daphne | 07/31/2009 @ 15:26
Now I am worth nothing. That’s an upgrade from how I felt this morning (and for the last 34 years), so thanks for that.
- Andy | 07/31/2009 @ 15:42
Out of curiosity, did you drool too hard in Miss Fox’s direction and get verbally spanked by your girlfriend?

You’d be surprised how mediocre I consider her to be. Pure eye candy? Wonderful body, perfect DNA, toned muscles and radiant skin being showcased with skimpy clothing? Beyonce any day of the week.

There’s something about Megan that just turns me off. Has something to do with her mouth. Too cover-girl-ish. Too much teeth, too much gloss, too shiny. Like there’s absolutely, positively nothing genuine about her.

And perhaps that goes away toward explaining that you’ve got things Ms. Fox decidedly lacks. You’re the real deal, flamey-finger and all.
- mkfreeberg | 07/31/2009 @ 15:43
Andy, you write like this why not own it?

Why isn’t my tag working, Morgan? Did I mess it up?
- Daphne | 07/31/2009 @ 16:04
Oh, it worked! It looked wrong in preview, I thought someone changed the rules on my simple ass.

Okay Morgan, Miss Fox is mediocre (huge eye roll), how does my hot lady list stack up?

Raquel Welch
Sophia Loren
Kim Bassinger
Jaclyn Smith
Giselle
That blonde Australian model, whatshername
Eva Longoria
Terri Hatcher
Angelina Jolie (I hate her though because she poached another woman’s husband, a big no-no in my book – righteous women never poach)

I know, I’m heavy on brunettes, but I’m heavy on brunettes and bald men for my own girly treat list. Blondes aren’t appealing to me, although I get the attraction. I’ll take no hair over blonde hair. I like tanned skin, too.

The men I really like, the ones I would consider leaving my happy marriage over, have nothing to to do with looks. (Well, mostly, I don’t find thin lips attractive) Bright minds are extremely sexy, well cut wit is sublime, men who can laugh without sneering are jewels. I find comfortable self confidence attractive, no matter the package.
- Daphne | 07/31/2009 @ 16:32
Daphne,

Maybe I’m just going through revulsion seeing someone so obviously young wear such an overpowering quantity of makeup. You strip all the ladies in your list bare naked and line them up with a nude Megan, I’ll be pleased to feast my eyes on the glory of each and every single one of them. But when it comes time to do a ranking, I can pretty well promise you Ms. Fox will be ranked inferior to everyone who has thighs between zero and…oh, let us say…eight inches thicker than hers. Especially if you throw Shawn “Legality Countdown” Johnson into the mix (who, it goes without saying of course, would be wearing some clothes). Regardless of her age that is exactly how a woman’s legs should look.

In fact now that I think of it, that would have been a brilliant casting move right there: Shawn Johnson as the adorable, doe-eyed, girl-next-door girlfriend. Fox would have been far better as the (spoilers here, highlight to read) Decepticon masquerading as a female co-ed student who catches about ten minutes of screen time, trying to kill Sam.

Out of respect for the fact that Ms. Johnson is underripe until January 19, I will leave her out of the running when I go through your list name by name.
- mkfreeberg | 08/01/2009 @ 09:08
[…] Daphne has inquired as to what our thoughts are about Welch, Loren, Bassinger, Jaclyn Smith, two selected supermodels and the craziest Desperate […]
- House of Eratosthenes | 08/07/2009 @ 06:28
[…] that “Don’t Mention Megan Fox Day” is over, she of the dead eyes and glossy lips has an important message for us all. Use […]
- House of Eratosthenes | 08/13/2009 @ 06:54
[…] while back Blogsister Daphne was giving me a friendly jibe, in the form of a list of Hollywood damsels I should find pulchritudinous. And I gave it back to […]
- House of Eratosthenes | 11/18/2011 @ 05:05

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Megan Fox OverexposedThursday, July 30th, 2009

Megan Fox Overexposed
Thursday, July 30th, 2009