House of Eratosthenes

Movies need you to be scared of the bad guy and impressed by the badass. The method for getting you to buy into this is often the same: by looking the part, and by having other characters go on and on about how badass someone is.

But often when it comes time for said badass to actually, you know, fight somebody, he tends to be profoundly disappointing — even if nobody else in the movie notices.

Yes, yes, yes. We’re supposed to think a designated character can really bring it, but when it’s showtime…

Nothing. Boba Fett doesn’t do a goddamn thing. Somehow people forget that.

Yeah that is a crime of some kind. But then again, it’s a little unfair having Quint on this list isn’t it? The “build-up” is a cat-and-mouse game in the second half of the movie, which is what made it great. And yeah, Quint smashed the radio and fried the motor, thus reducing his two shipmates into floating shark food. But that was his role. It’s the classic Pandora’s Box situation in great movies: “Uh oh, we’ve unleashed this force we cannot control, maybe that wasn’t such a swell idea.”

I count Muldoon, also, as a character that brought what he was supposed to bring. It’s a situation where one character’s purpose is entirely spent building up the properties of another character, which is an entirely valid move. The monsters of the island, you see, are just as intelligent as we are, and they’re really, really sneaky. Now, I’ll grant that the audience should figure this out when the raptors have started opening doors. But that happens during the final climactic battle, so that’s a bit late isn’t it? It’s the classic Thunderball two-bomb rule: The unthinkable disaster that doesn’t quite take place at the end, should be foreshadowed by the smaller, somewhat tolerable disaster that actually does, sometime earlier. Blood had to be shed. And hey, once again, that was this character’s designated purpose. He was a stormtrooper out of Star Wars. Just happened to have some speaking lines.

As for Scarecrow and Fett — yes, definitely. Maybe Bishop, too; I do recall feeling somewhat disappointed over that. And the others I just don’t care about.

I’ll have to think of some additions to this as time permits…

I read your movies that you’d better not spoil the ending and saw one listed called The Skeleton Key. Missed that one and son of a gun, it’s was a steamer on Netflix so I watched it last night-most excellent but I had it figured when someone said that Jusified’s song and dance would let you live not forever but a while longer. Gave me the damn creeps though. Now I’m watching Session 9, and have major creeps-thanx a heap

BTW, you’re an excellent writer-very enjoyable reading
- MM | 11/26/2010 @ 15:29
I have to say I can believe you that you saw it coming, there might have been clues that I missed. But I also have to say it certainly took me by surprise. And I stand by the statement that if someone spoils it for someone else, they’re an asshole. It was a pretty cool twist ending. Thanks for the kind remarks.
- mkfreeberg | 11/26/2010 @ 15:43
I hate assholes like that-years ago when Alien was first released there was quite a buzz, remember “In space, no one can hear you scream” So we go to see it and as we’re filing into the theatre past the people who had just watched, someone(an asshole) looks at us and says, “the cat, it’s the cat” Which at the time didn’t mean anything but at the end of the movie when Ripley is running through the about to blow up ship and just absolutely had to bring Jonsey into the escape vessel, I’m thinking the Alien is in the cat. Of course it wasn’t but damn, why in the hell would someone do that?

Unbelievably I didn’t see the Sixth Sense for almost 6 months after it came out and I heard the ending will blow you away 2 dozen times but no one assholed out on me and that was one that I never saw coming. I saw an interview with M afterwards and he went through the movie pointing out all the clues about Willis being dead and was afraid everyone would catch on. But me? Doh!
- MM | 11/26/2010 @ 16:13
The doctor guy that Henry Rollins played in Johnny Mnemonic could have been on this list, but there was probably some rule here about “movies that didn’t suck.”
- Jason | 11/26/2010 @ 22:23

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Seven Movie Badasses That Fail to DeliverFriday, November 26th, 2010

Seven Movie Badasses That Fail to Deliver
Friday, November 26th, 2010