House of Eratosthenes

The phone rang, and it was her. The clock said 6:58. She’d waited for the house to go to bed, at nearly ten o’clock over there, so we could finally talk without interruptions. About little tiny bullshit things, the way lovers do. She’s finishing up Season 2 Episode 2. Of what, I asked? Ah, it’s that one…yet another show about wisecracking twenty-something hotties carving up stoic dead people. She’s kept the household drowning in this stuff. Crossing Jordan, NCIS, Bones, CSI, et al. She never reaches an exhaustion point with the “Cuter Quincy” genre. Myself, I’m a bachelor just rattling around in a too-large apartment like a BB in a boxcar, in his underwear, gnawing on butter sticks washed down with St. Pauli girl. I’m taking advantage of the stretch to finish off seasons 6 and 7 of Dukes of Hazzard.

But since I kind of like her, I imagine I’ll be missing the NCIS nonsense before she’s back. Except for that jackass David Caruso with his stupid sunglasses — bastard. So glad she’s not into him. If I never see that one again, it’ll be too soon.

Anyway, left to myself I see my own tastes are certainly no more intellectually stimulating. Once them Dukes are cuffed & stuffed, as time permits I’ll finish off the complete run of Knight Rider, Incredible Hulk and The Fall Guy. As my thirteen-year-old son has inquired about these episodes, I have frequently deadpanned that all prime-time television was required to do certain things in the early ’80’s, but of course it is only half a joke. These staple items were de rigueur. Somewhere along the run of however many seasons were granted by the producer-gods, each show had to have…

1. An episode involving the rescue of a gorgeous Olympic athlete from a Soviet state
2. A skateboarding episode
3. A trucking episode with lots of CB radio chatter
4. An episode with some adorable sentient robots, provided such a device was not part of the regular cast
5. An alternative-fuels episode, usually involving a contest
6. Lots of government-agency conspiracy episodes
7. At least one amnesia episode
8. A mind-control episode
9. A telekenesis episode
10. A hypnosis episode
11. An episode with extraterrestrials
12. An episode involving a seance
13. A “Milagro-Beanfield” episode involving a poor community of hard-working decent people being screwed by a rich guy
14. An episode about the hopes and dreams of an aspiring country western singer
15. An episode about earthquakes
16. An episode about race cars

There may be some exceptions. To confirm, you’d have to string these along the top of a table, list the shows down the side, and start filling in boxes…but there is some anal-retentive list-making obsession that is beyond even me. Even now. I think I’d just as soon learn quilt-making, at least then I’d emerge from it knowing how to do something I didn’t know before. I’ll leave that magical spreadsheet to someone else chomping at the bit to prove me wrong.

But I don’t think I am; I think everybody hit everything, before McDonald’s introduced the McNugget.

Anyway, I’m not too wild about teevee, and I’m not about to delude myself into thinking I’ll put in the requisite number of hours to polish all this stuff off. And you can completely forget about anything coming out lately. I heard on the car radio some kind of back-and-forth about a show called “Jersey Shore.” Lots of people are claiming not to watch it, and it turns out to be like a supermarket tabloid…ultimately, everyone ‘fesses up to taking a peek.

Now, I’m really on the outs here because I really have no idea what they’re talking about. And in terms of raw curiosity, my get-up-and-go has gotten up and left; I don’t know, I don’t want to know. It sounds like more “reality-teevee” bullshit.

But I’m looking forward to picking her up at the airport on the 31st. It’s going to be a long ten days for me. I’m thinking of sending a limo when the time comes.

Start Reading Here.
By the way, the best way to watch all those shows on the chick list is with the sound off. Don’t forget Covert Affairs and Rizzoli & Isles.
- HoustonMisanthrope | 08/22/2010 @ 12:40
Ah, with all due respect to Roissy, fuck him. What he is saying has a grain of truth to it, but it’s exactly the kind of hijinks I did to my future wife 21 years ago. It worked out great. Too great…I used my reverse psychology, we got all kissy face, we got married, divorced and then I lost all my shit. Lesson learned: If you have to manipulate your woman in order to run your household, you might as well relinquish the top spot and let her run it — the results are exactly the same in the long run.

Fact is, she’s had this trip planned for awhile. Since January. Roissy’s wisdom about women, as important as it is in these changing times, has no place in my household because my woman is different. Yes I know these are the words of the beta-men who need Roissy’s advice, word-for-word. They are also the words of the men who have fully comprehended the problem and formulated a workable solution to it…and found, after all the drama, a Real Woman. Word for word. This match-making challenge has been met with greater success than I could have reasonably expected, and I have now traversed to the next level, as all strong thinking men must do, and begun worrying about my son.
- mkfreeberg | 08/22/2010 @ 17:18
Nice to see you here, just the same, Houston.
- mkfreeberg | 08/22/2010 @ 17:20
[…] The Crossroads Memo For File CXXII Hyperliberals On the Scale of Evil, Where do Murderers Rate? “It Is Weakness That Starts […]
- House of Eratosthenes | 08/22/2010 @ 18:08
Don’t forget that at some point, somebody has to get stuck in quicksand.
- Duffy | 08/23/2010 @ 09:56

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