House of Eratosthenes

“You should try keeping a journal,” he said.

“A journal?” I echoed. “Do you mean I should write a book?” I know, of course, that Moff Nur has been editing the manuscript of my master Darth Sidious the Emperor Palpatine, whose highly anticipated treatise on the subject of the subjugation of civilizations and the creation of powerful monsters promises to be a bestseller.

“No, no,” smiled Nur. “I mean like a diary.”

“Like a teenage girl?”

“Well, not entirely unlike a teenage girl, I suppose. The purpose is to help you analyze yourself by exporting your thoughts and impressions into a form you can review. Not only can it provide valuable insight as an artifact, but I find the actual process of recounting my reflections cathartic in itself.”

“You do this?”

“I do. I promise you, my friend, it helps.”

And so I have decided to make good on the Moff’s advice, now that he is dead and the confidence of the terrorists swells. I have begun this journal. I do not know how long the experiment will last, but I admit that in the absence of Nur himself I do find it calming to imagine I am speaking to his spirit as I dictate this recording.

Hello, Moff!

Alright, now I feel really stupid. Perhaps this experiment will be short lived. I am a busy man. Being a preternaturally powerful dark overlord at the right hand of a descent-crushing Emperor entails a certain set of demanding responsibilities. The galaxy won’t tyrannize itself, after all.

The whole thing is well-written, from what I can see, apart from the dissent/descent thing. I’m particularly fond of the “Christmas on Hoth” entry.

Big day. Storming the rebel ice fortress. Took a nap first so I would be peppy. Leg feels pretty good.

Admiral Ozzol took the fleet out of hyerspace too close to Hoth, and the Rebel Alliance were — you guessed it — alerted to our approach. The cornerstone of Ozzel’s arrogance is his insistence that rebel technology is so vastly inferior to Imperial technology that we need broker no caution.

This attitude is typical of a man who could not rephase his own fusion orb if his life depended on it. He cannot fathom what rebel engineers may accomplish out of desperation. People who are good with things, people like me, can appreciate the infinite diversity of possible tools buried in artful combinations of even the humblest technologies. Give me an hour to reconfigure an industrial grade repulsolift and I will give you an ion cannon and enough parts left over to build a droid to run it.

Ozzel just isn’t the creative type.

The problem is solved now, however. I crushed his trachea with my mind, and promoted Piett to command the fleet. I have transmitted to following note to Ozzel’s kin:

Dear House of Ozzel,

I regret to inform you that your son has been killed in the line of duty. He was an incompetent, yammering boob and he will be missed by none. I have allowed the men to pillage his personal belongings, which is why we have enclosed nothing but the sole remaining item: a torn advertisements page from a magazine of midget pornography. May it shock and disturb you, and may you think of it always when you remember your dearly departed son, the ninny.

Know also that his limitations as a sub-par military professional caused the deaths of many of the Emperor’s loyal soldiers, whose funeral expenses will appear on your next tax assessment.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

Too harsh? I call them as I see them.

Hat tip to Nightfly.

Every few months, I go back and re-read this. And then I wonder how in the hell THIS guy didn’t get to write the prequels.
- muttley | 01/28/2013 @ 00:01
http://youtu.be/0sKRRY5tQz8?t=53s

“An hour and a half of people standing around in semi-circles…council meetings…different council meetings…!”
- mkfreeberg | 01/28/2013 @ 01:53
Did you watch the RedLetterMedia reviews of the prequels I posted the other day?
- muttley | 01/28/2013 @ 01:54
No, I can’t find any such thing. Did you post it here? Or back at your place? Can’t find anything there either.
- mkfreeberg | 01/28/2013 @ 02:08
Start with part one, and go on through. It’ll take you about three hours to make it through all of them, so set aside some time. I’ve never seen the movies deconstructed so perfectly, and it makes me wish this guy had been consulted, too. http://redlettermedia.com/plinkett/star-wars/star-wars-episode-1-the-phantom-menace/
- muttley | 01/28/2013 @ 02:10
Oh yeah, I saw that about a year and a half ago. Great stuff!
- mkfreeberg | 01/28/2013 @ 02:13

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Darth Vader Starts His JournalSunday, January 27th, 2013

Darth Vader Starts His Journal
Sunday, January 27th, 2013