With a grateful hat tip to The Smallest Minority.

Once again, from the big thick file folder labeled “Ancient Like The Sphinx, But Damn Well Worth It”.

(Not all material suitable for a mixed audience.)

It’s got a few months of dust on it, but it’s well worth it.

Comic book artist, or inker or penciler or writer or whatever, comes up with some awful dialogue for a sex scene. I mean, this is reeking and rancid. It’s bad…really, really awful stuff. So the online mag folks scan the pages in, and hold some kind of contest to see who can do better.

Has something to do with pirates. Naughty, horny, fornicating good-looking pirates. Pirates who, in the middle of carnal desire, demonstrate a rather mysterious patience for meandering pillow talk from their entangleds in the throes of passion.

Beyond that, I don’t know much, and no I’m not going to high-tail it out to pick up a copy of this so I can find out. Got all the entertainment I need right here.

So blogger friend Buck noticed a Hitler video that struck his funny bone just the right way…and embedded it, although the “Hitler Learns” meme, in his words, “gets old after a bit.” I’ve noticed this about the rare occasions on which Mr. Portales and I disagree on something: More often than not, the undertone that creates the divide has something to do with variety. It’s in our human makeup that we want some and crave some.

But the “Hitler Learns” theme, I maintain, doesn’t really work this way. Yes, there is a parabola. I suppose everything has that parabola; even when Ian Fleming wrote about James Bond’s testicles being whacked with a carpet beater, he described explicitly the “parabola of pain,” in which one loses one’s sensitivities after crossing the zenith. Humor is certainly that way.

But to lots of folk out there, “Hitler Learns” just gets funnier and funnier. It must be the case at least some of the time, right? The goddamn things are multiplying like tribbles.

My collection follows. I make no claim to have the longest list, it seems I’ve just barely scratched the surface. And I can’t even claim to have watched past the 0:30 mark on most of them, because who in the world has that much time? The point is, as you skim over some of these titles, you can’t help but wonder what’s going on behind that link. Most people will eventually click something. There aren’t too many things more worthy of parody, at the moment, than the next man’s obsession with whatever.

Hitler Learns of the Dragonball-Z Movie

Hitler Gets Deleted From Facebook

Hitler Learns the Avatar Trailer Sucks

Hitler Learns of TO Going to the Buffalo Bills

Hitler Learns There’s No Camera in the iPod Touch

Hitler Banned From Mconalds

Hitler Gets Banned from XBox Live

Hitler Gets Banned from Runescape

Hitler’s Aggie Football Rant

Cowboys Fan Until I Die

Hitler Loved Brett Favre

Hitler’s Reaction to the Plaxico Shooting

Hitler Reacts to McCain’s VP Pick – reminds me of more than a few people I know, not all of them Nazis or registered dems

Hitler Learns That Palin Resigns – ditto

Hitler Learns of the Detroit Lions’ Loss

Somebody Stole Hitler’s Car

Hitler Learns of Leno Moving to Late Night

Hitler Gets Scammed on eBay

Hitler vs. Hannah Montana

Hitler Wants a Burger King

Hitler Gets H1N1

Hitler Learns He’s Not Really Hitler

Hitler Learns Texas Longhorns Not in BCS Title Game

Hitler Learns the Halloween Phish Album for Festival 8

Hitler Learns Balloon Boy was a Hoax

Hitler Learns That Kanye West Dissed Taylor Swift

Hitler Learns that Star Trek Online Closed Beta

Hitler’s Reaction to the 2 Girls 1 Cup Video

Hitler Hates Lifetime Subscriptions

Hitler’s Mother is Coming to Visit

Hitler Reacts to the New Star Trek Movie

Hitler Finds Out He’s Really Dead

Hitler Calls YouTube’s CEO

Hitler Cannot Turn Off the Subtitles

Hitler Learns Megan Fox Has Rejected Him

Hitler Rants About George W. Bush

Hitler Wants a Mac

Hitler Learns His Torrent Hasn’t Finished

Hitler Learns There’s No Such Thing as Santa Claus

Hitler Breaks His TV With the Wii Remote

Hitler Learns Obama Won

Hitler Learns the Gays Are Getting Married

Hitler Learns Barack Obama is Not a US Citizen

Hitler Reacts to Michael Jackson’s Death

Hitler Reacts to Twilight the Movie

Which brings us to…oh, don’t look at me like you didn’t know this was coming…

Hitler Rants About the Hitler Parodies

Yeah. Uh huh, there’s a post I’ll never have to update again. Riiiiight…

Damn straight.

Toilet paper has a natural curve, a way of being that lends itself to certain orientations on the toilet paper spool. If handled with skill and knowledge, it can provide an abundance of both sanitation and comfort, quilted together in each square of pillowy ply. If handled with clumsy ignorance, or worse, carelessness, it will beset the user with pain, filth, and frustration. Don’t let it end this way, with you curled on the tile floor of the stall, weeping in frustration, covered in wasted papier de toilette. To convince you, we’ve created some diagrams, harnessing the power of SCIENCE, to demonstrate the natural benefits of the over hanging method.

…for the country, that is.

Try to owe fewer dollars in debt than there are stars in the known universe.

Let’s try and set a realistic goal here. We have a liberal president and a liberal Congress, so debt is going to increase. They just love spending too much. But let’s at least keep the debt from being so large it collapses upon itself into a singularity and destroys the solar system.

Try to check the plausibility of events before creating a media firestorm.

“Oh no! A kid in a runaway balloon! How could this happen to a family of media whores?”

While continuing to trust science, let’s make sure the scientists we’re getting it from aren’t douche nozzles…

And it gets even better:

Next time we pick a leader, let’s make sure he has more qualifications than a bunch of empty slogans of the sort you’d use to sell carbonated beverages…

If we have another economic crisis, let’s not hand a blank checkbook to a bunch of Democrats…

Try and make sure tax money isn’t going towards child prostitution…

I think we should all be able to agree with these, right?

Click pic to view portfolio.

Don’t do this.

Hat tip to Primordial Slack.

Some language not fit for a general audience.

Hat tip to Uncommon Sense.

Lawyerspeak gold. A Political Glimpse From Ireland points to a highly entertaining and enlightening seven-page piece of correspondence from counselor to counselor. The subject is a potential defamation suit coming from Twitter-tweets tweeted by an unhappy customer. See Section III of the letter first, for the salient facts. Political Glimpse explains:

The letter, which deserves to be read in full, concludes with the declaration that the customer intends to pursue counteraction according to the principle of muram aries attigit, which translates as “the ram has touched the wall.”

This refers to a Roman military policy toward cities the Romans placed under siege. The local authority would be told that, as a matter of policy, once the first battering ram touched the city wall, there would be no surrender accepted, no quarter and no mercy.

Just received this via e-mail. If it’s news to me, it might be news to most others…

Language would not be appropriate for mixed company, or for reading in your company. As you shall soon see.

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .

So, he said to his new wife, ‘Honey, I’ll be right back.’

‘Where are you going, honey bunch?’ asked the wife.

‘I’m going to the bar, pretty face. I’m going to have a beer.’

The wife said, ‘You want a beer, my love?’

She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.

The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, ‘Yes, lolly pop…but at the bar…you know…they have frozen glasses…’

He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,

‘You want a frozen glass, puppy face?’

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, ‘Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious… I won’t be long, I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?’

You want hors d’oeuvres, poochi pooh?’ She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

‘But my sweet honey… At the bar… You know…there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…’

‘You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your fucking beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherfucking snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren’t fucking going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?’

So he stayed home…

…and, they lived happily ever after.

Click the pic to view portfolio.

Cracked.

How many times have you watched an action movie and thought to yourself “Man, it must take years of training to be able to pull that off?” Real life police officers, soldiers, and spies have to undergo rigorous training before they get to pilot submarines and shoot people, right?

As it turns out, that’s… entirely true. Being a real-life James Bond would take a lifetime of learning and practice. But as it also turns out, there are classes you could take this year that could get you half-way to James Bondhood, many of them taking a week or less of your precious, movie-watching time.

Hat tip to Linkiest.

It’s finally up.

It was a year of Hope — at first in the sense of “I feel hopeful!” and later in the sense of “I hope this year ends soon!”

It was also a year of Change, especially in Washington, where the tired old hacks of yesteryear finally yielded the reins of power to a group of fresh, young, idealistic, new-idea outsiders such as Nancy Pelosi. As a result, Washington, rejecting “business as usual,” finally stopped trying to solve every problem by throwing billions of taxpayer dollars at it, and instead started trying to solve every problem by throwing trillions of taxpayer dollars at it.
:
The No. 1 item on the agenda is fixing the economy, so the new administration immediately sets about the daunting task of trying to nominate somebody — anybody — to a high-level government post who actually remembered to pay his or her taxes. Among those who forgot this pesky chore is [President] Obama’s nominee for Treasury secretary, Timothy F. Geithner, who sheepishly admits that he failed to pay $35,000 in federal self-employment taxes. He says that the error was a result of his using TurboTax, which he also blames for his involvement in an eight-state spree of bank robberies. He is confirmed after the Obama administration explains that it inherited the U.S. Tax Code from the Bush administration.

You sure you want to read this? Kinda like living it all over again huh?

It’s got a year’s worth of dust on it, but it’ll come in handy next time we watch one of the original trilogy movies. They were alright, you know: Coherent story, robust theme, not very many scenes taking place in conference rooms, with someone in a funny rubber mask getting the “Then It’s Settled” line at the end…

We’re out here at Timber Cove Inn, and there are many nice things about being here (photos to follow if/when I get the chance). One of which is that we did not wake up to this…

The one thing that’s missing: A note chiding him to be sure and CUT THE SCOTCH TAPE ONLY, FOLD THE WRAPPING PAPER CAREFULLY AND SAVE IT FOR NEXT YEAR! Just like my Dad always said.

Hat tip to Boortz.

Update: This is too good to leave behind. It’s a Wonderful Bill. Hat tip to Dr. Melissa.

Update: We’re back in town, and my lady unwrapped the last two of her gifts under the tree from Yours Truly which was precisely what she had on her list: An eight hundred watt Haan steam cleaner, and the replacement pads for same.

After a few minutes watching in frustration the resulting frenzied cleaning activity, I gave up on having my beer brought to me and went out and got it myself, while she continued to clean our windows, mirrors, tilework, et al. All you feminists wanting to kick my ass, take a number.

Update: We’re watching one of my Christmas presents, which is Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home.

Is this the preachiest liberal movie ever made? I’m comparing it, in my mind, to Twelve Angry Men, To Kill a Mockingbird, Inherit the Wind.

Preachiest…preachiest…as in, unsubtle…yes, I do believe this might very well take the cake. Excluding all the Michael Moore “documentaries,” of course.

Gerard does not want a computer for Christmas. His work of art that tells you so, is treated appropriately like any other worthy gem, catalogued and buried deep in an archive to be hauled out for display on special occasions. Well today is December 22, so it out comes, complete with all the smartass comments his regulars have attached to the bottom of it in years past.

Blogsister Daphne‘s reply got me to thinking. Hasn’t anyone besides me noticed how incredibly smug Apple users are?

The answer, it turns out, is not-only-yes-but-you-bet-your-ass. I first tripped across this thing, which looked tempting, but it turned out to be a joke. A reasonably good joke, worth bookmarking. Less satisfying as a joke, than as a starting point from which to noodle out what’s going on. Hmmm…Apple users tend to be control freaks…but they don’t know, and don’t want to know, how their computers work. There’s something deep going on here. Perhaps we are all control freaks but there’s a different flavoring from person-to-person regarding the underlying control-freakishness.

That’s a story for another day, said Pooh.

That’s when I tripped across this…

Ah…itch scratched. Now I can enjoy Christmas.

He’s an Obama supporter, but he seems to have a brain in his head so that might change any week now. His blog is over here.

With a grateful hat tip to DRJ posting at Patterico’s Pontifications.

Some of my readers are amateur editors, and show rather impressive skill at it. Even more impressive sometimes is their zeal.

But they’re not quite like this guy…

Still and all, this oughta come in handy someday.

Flopping Aces reader post, from Donald Bly. Brought to our attention by Washington Rebel. Mr. Bly has cooked up some interesting stuff, like for example this…

3. The number of representative shall be one for every 30,000 citizens.

This is actually the representation ratio as set forth in the Constitution Article 1, Section 2. In todays world of technology it is not necessary that our representatives gather in a single place in order to cast a vote or debate a bill. They could all have a subscription for gotomeeting.com…. More importantly any qualified candidate could quite literally mount a viable campaign without spending a dime. A little shoe leather and some time and a candidate could literally shake the hand of every voter in his/her district. The current ratio is somewhere in the vicinity of 600,000 to one and facilitates the ability of special interests groups to unduly influence policy. This is campaign finance reform at its simplest[.]

Has a few things in common with When I Start Running This Place items — the objective of getting Congress a little bit more representative of the rest of us, is a prominent and well-defined theme permeating both pieces. That’s a bipartisan thing, I suspect.

What’s that got to do with a picture of a cute girl? I dunno. The Rebel had it up, so I swiped it.