House of Eratosthenes

I might have complained about those four words before. It’s almost certain that I did, because I was impressed that about half the lines spoken by the bad guys in Atlas Shrugged begin with those four words — and the message is crystal clear. Apart from this other message that socialism tends to feed off the misery that it creates, we see there is this tendency we have to justify shitty decisions with some variant of that old cliche. What I mean by “shitty” is indefensible; ideas that have to have some glittery decoration to distract from the fact that they’re just plain stupid.

And usually it’s socialism. You might say “In times like these, we have to pull together and nobody can make a profit providing a service so essential to the rest of us.” You would not say “Because it’s Tuesday and my butt itches, we have to pull together and nobody can make a profit providing this service.” With the latter, even a flaccid mind would immediately recognize — duh, hey wait a minute…if the service is so essential, how do we make sure it continues to be provided if nobody can make a profit providing it? But “In times like these” goes over like Free Ice Cream night in Hell. Why yes! That makes perfect sense!

But it isn’t confined to socialism. All stupid ideas benefit from the “Times Like These” cliche. It’s like covering a turd in a chocolate-crusty coating.

I went in to a certain financial institution to discuss an interesting letter I’d received from them. The letter pretended to be sent from a collection agency…which I thought was interesting, because my payment record is perfect. First thing the bank guy said was “Well to get a letter like this, you have to be way behind on something…like three months or something.” This I found to be reasonable, and it was my first impression. But the payment record is there. The phone calls are coming in from their account manager to please take out this-or-that credit card and go further in debt, because someone in there has figured out it’s profitable to be doing business with me. I’m invoiced on this every thirty days, and there are no past-due amounts, no late charges, nothing of the kind. So he got on the phone to figure out what’s going on…

What followed was an extended conversation between him and the voice on the other end, as he apparently got an education about the new process. Then he got that look on his face, like he had to explain something exquisitely embarrassing. And explain he did.

“With the economy the way it is now,” he started out…and I realized what was coming next was going to be boneheaded. “What they’ve started to do a few months ago is send out these letters as soon as a payment is two days past its due date.” Apparently this was earlier in the year, and I hadn’t realized it because my payments were on time, like they’re supposed to be. “The idea is…and the lady I’ve been talking to, she wouldn’t want me to use the word ‘scare,’ but that’s pretty much what it is, the letters are supposed to scare people into bringing those payments in because the home office is starting to get worried when payments are late even by a day or two.”

“I have a suggestion for your home office,” I said, and the banker smiled and winced a little, knowing full well what was coming. “Confine this unorthodox and surreal debt management practice to those accounts that have payment records suggesting such a thing might be necessary.” Unless, of course, those customers with perfect payment histories among the ones scaring that poor little home office and making it so upset…suggesting, in my mind, that someone is in a business that they shouldn’t be in.

I’m looking for a way to roll this thing over and give the business to another lender. I have a special dislike for being treated like a crappy customer when I’ve been a good one. Especially when it comes to debt. I look at it like…when you’re a good customer and you’re being treated like a bad customer, what that really means is that the lender in question will not be treating anyone like a good customer. Which means they’re a bottom-feeder. That means if you have the means to deal with someone else, you really should, just because life’s too short. And it will bite you in the ass. Soon. It’s kind of like parking a nice new BMW convertible overnight at Broadway and Stockton Boulevard.

I got a feeling I’m going to get these folks paid off right quick, one way or t’other. This business relationship needs to get canceled somehow. When a wife wants to be single and doesn’t know it, you give her what she wants. When you have someone working for you who would rather be unemployed and they don’t know it, you give him what he wants. The same goes for a bank that doesn’t really want anyone to be in debt to it. They just don’t want to be in business, and they don’t know it.

But the pattern continues. Whatever comes after “In Times Like These” is a staggeringly stupid idea, one that could be justified, even cosmetically, in no other way. If it made sense nobody would be prefacing it with those words.

And with the economy the way it is, in times like these, I’m hearing that phrase more and more lately. There’s a stupid idea behind each use of it. We’re being buried in an avalanche of candy-coated turds.

I believe it was in one of George Carlin’s later taped “concerts” where a reference was made to
“Now bend over while I service your account…
- CaptDMO | 09/27/2009 @ 08:58
“In Times Like These” = “Never waste a good crisis”.

Yeah, I had an experience similar to yours once, and had about the same reaction.
- philmon | 09/27/2009 @ 09:45
What they’re really trying to say is “In times like these we have to show slavish devotion toward those who are abusive toward us…and be complete assholes toward those who’ve trusted us and treated us with respect and decency.”

Exactly the way the cutest cheerleader in the high school sometimes manages her dating life. Really, the older I get, the more I view this as a just-plain-maturity thing. Being nice to people who are nice to you, and keeping your distance from jerks. I think we’ve gotten to the point where the important business decisions are made by people who are too young to have learned this just yet.
- mkfreeberg | 09/27/2009 @ 09:51
I’m going out on a limb here and guessing that this wasn’t a credit union.
- Jason | 09/27/2009 @ 10:08
Perhaps we’ve gotten to the point where someone can become President of the United States who is too young to have learned this just yet.
- vvp39 | 09/27/2009 @ 10:11
[…] economy is in the crapper” is insufficient justification for sticking it to your customers: I have a special dislike for being treated like a crappy customer when I’ve been a good […]
- dustbury.com » Memo to several banks | 09/27/2009 @ 15:11
Linked you here, expanding on your points and bringing in BHO.
- smitty1e | 09/27/2009 @ 19:45
[…] Read it. And usually it’s socialism. You might say “In times like these, we have to pull together and nobody can make a profit providing a service so essential to the rest of us.” You would not say “Because it’s Tuesday and my butt itches, we have to pull together and nobody can make a profit providing this service.” With the latter, even a flaccid mind would immediately recognize — duh, hey wait a minute…if the service is so essential, how do we make sure it continues to be provided if nobody can make a profit providing it? But “In times like these” goes over like Free Ice Cream night in Hell. Why yes! That makes perfect sense! […]
- DYSPEPSIA GENERATION » Blog Archive » “In Times Like These…” | 09/27/2009 @ 20:21
[…] 28, 2009 by Daphne My fine friend, Morgan, can spot a candy coated turd when he sees one. I loved every last bit of this post, please go read […]
- An Avalanche of Idiocy « Jaded Haven | 09/28/2009 @ 16:38
Damn fine post, Morgan.

I’m sure you’ve seen that silly movie Idiocracy, I swear to God we are beginning to resemble that cast of moronic characters in sizable numbers. People seem to have lost all common sense and it’s scary as hell, not to mention frustrating for your average, responsible, reasonably intelligent citizen trying to get through the damn day without snatching himself bald from sheer frustration..
- Daphne | 09/28/2009 @ 16:48
[…] Memo For File XCVII Popular Support of Obama’s Narcissism Memo For File XCVI “In Times Like These…” Great Movie Dialogue: How to Murder Your Wife The Best Video of the Year Nitpicking an Issue? Iran […]
- House of Eratosthenes | 09/28/2009 @ 19:32

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“In Times Like These…”Sunday, September 27th, 2009

“In Times Like These…”
Sunday, September 27th, 2009